Just couple of reminders

I am in kind of strange mood for this couple of days. I don't know what is the reason, but I guess I might be bored a little bit with the relationship

Old Issue

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It seems like some old issues never really went away.  I am even thinking that if i have ever tried to deal with those old issues or not.  I am 30 now. I should know better and do better. Couple of old issues that I really want to get over with.

Frist is the money issue. I have to say that I am doing better than before, and being more careful with the money and how to use it. However, I am not doing well enough yet. It's been my life style of spending money, and it isn't a good thing. I know that already and just have to control the desire of buying things. I have to do something about the feeling of spending money. I think it is kind of mental sickness that called "spending addiction". Do I think I have it? Not really, well, maybe a little bit. I really should keep on track of how much money I have been spending and make a rule for myself to follow, also make a move before I want to spend money. For example, I love to buy Starbucks those days, and the reason for that is I enjoy hot drinks during the winter time. And why I don't drink free tea or free coffee at work? I think I am in love with latte, the creamy milky taste of coffee. It might be another addiction which I should over come it. And, I also like to buy snacks on the way home from work or buy breakfast on the way to work which I should prepare the breakfast before I go to work at home and prepare the snacks for after work driving. That will help me save money too. What is the reason that I don't do that? Because I don't get up in the morning early enough to do that, and why I don't get up early because i enjoy the warm bed. And, I also like to go to the mall after work which might give me chance to spend more money, but what is the reason I go to the mall because I don't want to go home and wants to go move around. Umm....somehow, I think all my old issues are related with my current life style.

If I get up early a hour in the morning, I could take shower to make myself feel better, prepare breakfast to go that save me money, have snacks and lunch with me too, after work besides go to mall, I could go to gym. I really should do that instant get up 5 mins before leave, buy breakfast on the way, buy drinks and snacks afternoon, go to mall after work. Maybe if I keep doing that, I could not just saving money, but have less headaches and sick days, and also have a better fitted body. Maybe even my mood will be up and far away from depression.

Yeah...I should do that. Do that now.

love 101

It is always hard to remembering an ex who you truly loved and gave everything to. I have that ex and I am that ex too. I think it is kind of lucky if you don't have that ex in your life or you never are that ex for other 'cause it is too heavy to remember that ex sometimes. It's a mark on you and only you know it's not going anywhere.

I hate that ex. I wish he lives in a painful life. I never want to see him and never wants to remember him. I never even wants to hear his name or having him as a memory. When it comes to love, we are so hard to forgive others and so easy to forget about our own sin. At same time as I hate my "that ex", I remembered that I am "that ex" for someone else.

Love is an unexplainable thing. It is too simple and too complicated to be explained at same time. You love then you love, you don't love then you don't love. What about all the good times, all the sweet kisses, all the smiles, and laughs, and romances, and endless nights? With love goes by us, all those things are like shadows following us.

I know at least I have 3 exes hate me so much. One was crying and yelling and saying he was going to kill the people in CT; one cut me off from his life 100% and laugh at me as a street slut if we meet by accident; and the one I loved most, after all those years, blames me for leaving him, and still asking for the reason. I careless about the first one; feel sorry for the second one, and I just don't know what to say to the last one.

The "sorry" I already said many times, but the reason, I just couldn't give it to him. I thought about a lot of reasons and all of them were true too. They are all one of the reasons. But, what can I say? The major reason was so shameful that it only could hurt him more if he knows. It was just simply because I need someone besides me, someone who I can touch, kiss, hug, look at into the eyes, feel the skin, the care, the love. I was young, and I didn't want to be alone. I NEEDED someone at that time. I needed someone right at that moment, not 3 years later, not have to wait for 12 hours to talk in the phone with for 3 minutes, not only could look at a picture or webcam. I was just a simply girl who need a basic love. A love 101. Be there. Be right there.

I still feel bad for what happened. He was the one. Almost perfect Mr.Right. But, maybe it is him, maybe it is fate, he became Mr. right then. I was just a simply woman after all. Not someone who has a big heart, who can handle all the problems, who is so morally right. I just needed love, a love that I could see by my own eyes, touch by my own hands, kiss by my own lips. Not by heart. That is just a bullshit after all. If you can't hug each other, how can you know your feeling is still there? If you can't kiss each other, how can you know your heart still skip a beat? If you can't look into each others' eyes and say "I love you", how can you know you or that person is not lying?

I believe in love 101.

30s thinking

Well. It is not the first time I have thought about marriage. It seems to be a regular thing to think about after 26. It didn't really bother me that much. I always want to marry with someone that I truly in love with, and that person should truly in love with me too. I never really felt I might have any kind of possibility of not getting married. I always felt it is just matter of time.

Then, one friend got marry, two friends got marry, three friends got marry, and out of nowhere everyone is married and having a baby. I had a period of time that could not take it. I didn't want to hear anyone is marrying or having a baby. It's like a final truth hit me. Am I gonna be like this, alone, even not single, but not married, forever?

It's not the end of the world when all your friends are married and having babies. But it is end of the world when all your ex-boyfriends are married and having babies, and included the ones who never make or willing to make a commitment with you. At that point, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself:" What is wrong with you?"

Chinese people likes to say "fate" and like to blame everything on the "fate". We keep our hopes on fate and give up our hopes on fate too. Is there really something called fate? Is your plum lines really tell you when you gonna die? Is your horoscope really tells you that you will meet your true love tomorrow? Is the crystal ball really trying to make you less worried and have a future plan? Who or what should I trust? Is following my heart really works? or "let the time to decided" really worth of waiting?

Real life is not a novel or movie. It's not even a dream which could come true, sometimes. I asked the higher power "is there anything wrong with me", and I didn't hear answer from him, and I asked myself the same question, that I didn't hear any answer back either. I don't know. I don't know if this is fate or is time, or just simply me.

I am nervous. I sometimes ask myself that what is Mr.Rabbit
waiting for? The timing? Is he still not ready yet? Am I still being tested? I don't want to rush him or push him because I want him to want to marry me, not marry me because I asked for. Then, I asked myself, what if he never ask you? Life is so many "what if"s. And all those "What if" drives people worry.

I hope Mr.Rabbit knows that I am ready, and I am waiting, and so as many people. My family, friends, customers, maybe even his friends and family. I think it is about time. It is about time for both of us to grown up as really regular adults. I hope he knows, oh GOD, I hope he knows.

A part of aging

Angelababy

I was bored at work on Sunday, and was playing with my laptop. Something pop into my eyes which I normally wouldn't be interesting in. A online video of a very cute Asian girl whose name is Anglerbaby. I like to look at beautiful girls, and she surely looks so beautiful from that small video icon. I checked it, and there she was, speaking in Chinese in front of press and telling them that she is 100% nature beauty who never had plastic sugary. "She is cute. Who is she?" I thought to myself then goggled her.

She is even more beautiful in bigger pictures. I was in love with her beauty in a short second. How come someone could be that beautiful. I read her information and know she is 1/4 of German, well, that always explains something, she is mixed. As we all know the mixed children are much better looking in most of case. She is 21 years old, and work as a model with major Japanese beauty magazines. OK. Now I am really envy her. I keep thinking how come there are so many beautiful girls out there now? I looked her and feel that I am ugly. I know I am not ugly but if she could make me feel this way, how about those people who aren't good looking at all feel? I looked my face in the mirror and tried to smile, opened my eyes big, and took couple pictures. And, I looked so weird with a stone alike smile and un-nature eyes. The bags underneath my eyes were huge, wrinkles from the end of my eyes were long and noticeable, my eyes looked small because the upper eyelids started to drop, same as my face. I looked......looked like I am 30~~!!

I finally realized that I am 30. This is how I look now. I am getting old. I am not 21, or 25, or 27 anymore. The mother of nature hit my head. And I couldn't just ignore the fact that I am not as good looking as before or as I thought I was. I compared the younger self with Angelababy and I do think she is still more beautiful than me, but I felt I was close to her level. I didn't even wear any make-ups. As I page through Angelababy's model pictures and life pictures, I couldn't not notice that I waste a lot of time just being easy and comfortable. So many clothes and shoes that I have, so many make-ups and hair stuff that I have, but I didn't bother use any of them often. I let myself go pretty easy. I have been very comfortable with my looks for long time. A lot of people gave me compliments for being nature without make-up. And I do believe that I was good looking without make-up. That made me think I don't need make-up to be beautiful 'cause I am beautiful the way I am. Maybe it is also true. But age doesn't agree with my outside looks. I always like to be that kind of lady who doesn't have to try hard. But now, I feel I need to try at least a little bit. I even start to doubt that if I ever have being beautiful or not. Like a high school nightmare all come true again.

When I was 23.

I put some make-up on, tried to make my hair look good, picked a cute outfit from my dressing room. I feel better. I took some more pictures of myself just to see the result of it, and the pictures didn't come out as good as I hope for. Then, I told myself it's the camera's fault. I looked at the mirror again, smile to it, then I told myself "you are still a beautiful lady".

I won't be getting younger, and I know it is silly to compare myself to someone who is 9 years younger than me. And I also tried to tell myself to have own beauty which fit with my own age. We all tried to tell ourselves that, and we all still couldn't not feel the disappointment of getting older. It is not scare of getting older but getting uglier. Maybe it is the time for me to renew myself to a new beauty. A little bit more make-up and more well dressed than before. I would love to have all those high quality clothes, shoes, bags, but I can't afford them. I tried to tell myself that a cheap outfit still can be well dressed if you dress them in a right way. I hope I am not laying to myself and I want to understand the essence of beauty.

Younger girls are coming out of their shell every day, and me as a 30 years old woman trapped between the young and old. I am not young anymore but not yet old. Trying to find a new me. It's a part of aging and I am sure I will face it again when I turn 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90 or even 100. I remember someone said "Well dressed woman, well dressed mind". Maybe I should just use that as my motto for my 30s and future.

I am not a girl anymore. I am a woman, a lady.

Everything happens inside of you

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There is something bothers me. I am in love. I am in love with Mr.B. That put my self-doubt and confidence from high to low. I start to be worried by other women, be worried by how other women might take him away from me or maybe he will go away with other women.

I just don't want to lose him, and lose a good chance to have a good relationship, a family that I dream to have, a good man, finally, a good man. I don't want to fall in love with some kind of assholes again, or someone who can't be a father or stupid. Mr.B seems to be perfect. I am scared of using the word "perfect" because I know nothing is perfect. Do I actually don't trust him, don't trust other women, or just don't trust love? Do I still believe in the power of love? Do I still believe that love can conquer everything? Do I still believe that a man could love and only love one woman in his life time? Do I still believe that a man wouldn't cheat on his loved ones?

I am scared. Every time when I feel the power of love push my heart close to Mr.B's, I am afraid. To be hurt, to be lost, to go back to the old road that once I was walked on. I don't want to feel jealous, worries, distrust and so on. If all those are love will bring, am I willing to take all those?

I love Mr.B. I want to have a family with him. Couple children, a dog, 2 cats. God, am I wishing too much? I just want to be happy, to have a normal 30 years old woman has. I am tired of being a teenager. I want to have a family with someone loves me truthfully and deeply.

No matter who you are, how rich you are, how beautiful you are, how famous you are, in front of love, you are a little baby face a big wall.

Love, and to be loved. Never be hurt by anyone, anytime, anyhow.

May God be with you.

Blue Mood

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Haven't been here for a while. My days have been busy, and my HP computer is keeping have problem get connected with the wi-fi from Starbucks which stress me out a little bit and I finally decided to just not bring the laptop to work.

Life hasn't been too bad for me so far. Mr.B is treading me great. We went to Mitsuwa in NJ yesterday and he bought me to the rotate sushi restaurant which I always wanted to go. Then took me to a huge mall in NY. Mr.B is full of surprising, and always a such gentleman to me. I guess from the day when we started dating, I always felt that he is a good man to be with for rest of my life.

My 30th Birthday party~~!!

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I wasn't plan to have a party for myself. Just wasn't in the sprite of celebrate my 30th birthday since I felt there is nothing good enough to be celebrated about. However, couple of my customers asked me if I was gonna do anything for my birthday and my answer disappoint them. Lisa said to me:" Why? It's a big birthday, a milestone. You should do something. 30 will be great." Yeah...why not. I thought to myself. The party notice was late. Couple of my friends couldn't make it. Like, Tadayoshi, Tokutada, Jenny, Rachel, Maki, Tom and Andy. But Sherry, Bobby, Linzi, Mr.B, Lori and 4 of Lori's friends did. It was nice. Actually, it was nicer than I thought. I was a little bit worried about Lori and Lori's friends 'cause I don't know them well enough yet. I wanted everyone to have good time. But, they were all great~~!! Very funny and friendly.

I left work 3 hours early, tried to get to Mr.B's place earlier so we could make to Flushing with no hurry. However, it was a heavy windy day. I didn't know the route 15 is a high target of danger. The falling trees. I was only 5 miles away from Mr.B's place, but a huge tree fail down at 20 cars front. That cast huge delay, like 3 hours. LOL. I was worried the whole time of any tree would be blew down by the high wind and fail on my car. Lucky, nothing like that happened. I made to Mr.B's place 3 hour later in one piece.

Dinner is at Little Pepper. The favored Hotpot place that Sherry and I always go to. It was fun dinner time. Lori's friends were exciting to try the real Hotpot, and Bobby was just a happy-go-lucky nice boy with Linzi, Sherry was doing her best to be funny, Mr.B was just enjoying his food. It was so different as last year when Sherry, Jenny, Maki, Tadayoshi, Tokutada, Andy and others went to clubbing. It was more mature, like real 30th party. After dinner, we went to Karaoke called sky blue. I don't sing normally, but when I saw the song BEN by MJ, I just had to do it. Everyone seemed to be having fun. It was good.  Mr.B and I didn't go back to CT that night, we stayed over in a hotel in NYC. It was a really good idea 'cause we were both tired to drive back home.

The next day, the 14th, we worked around in NYC, went to my favored Tonkatsu restaurant for lunch, went to my favored Japanese bookstore Kinokuniya, went to Zara to buy some nice spring shirts, went to have a wonderful foot and body massage done which Mr.B loved it, went to Hizakaya Kenka for dinner and had nice bubble tea on the way home. It was nice. I haven't been to the city with a boyfriend for long time. It was different, but surely fun.

My real birthday is coming up in a day, and Mr.B said we will go to NY again. And, he will take the whole day off for me. I love that. He is the sweetest person. LOL. (Even that doesn't mean he couldn't change later, but I just enjoy now and have my eyes open wild and armor prepared on my side).

Thanks to everyone who came out, and Thanks to Mr.B. Love ya~~!!

Over the fear

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Miss.S and I had fight last night. I think it was my fault. I was kind of mean and said something that I shouldn't had to say. Of cause, Miss.S was pissed off. I felt bad afterwards 'cause I know even her way of talking made me mad but I think I should trust her more as a friend. I shouldn't have doubt about her personality 'cause she is my best friend. I should have trust her, stand by her side. Why I didn't? Then, I thought about how i treaded Lady M, so mean too. And, then I wonder why I don't have a lot of girl friends?

I spent whole morning think about what happened to me. Have I always being like this? Am I always being cold and mean to others? Why I am doing this? What makes me do it? What is deeply inside of me that I might not notice which make me do such a thing?

I talked with Miss.S. She agrees with me and said she always know the part of me that I don't look at other's good points but always look at other's bad points instead. I do that a lot. I always doubt about people's intension, and always thinks that others might hurt me. I think somehow I protect myself overly. Just at the moment that I was thinking something like that, Mr.B send a text massage to me and told me he was at Hibachi. The first thing came up in my mind was "why is he at Hibachi for lunch time? Why he need to have lunch at Hibachi? Is that some kind of lunch date with some girls?" Then, I noticed I was thinking so negatively about the thing. Why not? Why not he can't have lunch at Hibachi? It could be the weekly lunch thing that they do; it could be some co-workers just want to go for it for lunch. Why I have to think that as a bad thing first. I AM LIVING IN FEAR.

That was the reason that I could think about. I am in fear of everything. To protect myself, I choose to hurt others first. To not be hurt by others, I choose to be cold to them so they could fear or dislike or stay away from me. I am, after all, just a coward.

I need to know how to over come the fear. I know I am weak, and I admire Miss.S that she can stand up for herself every time, but I couldn't. It might seems like Miss.S is crazy, wild, rule, or even stupid sometimes and I might seems to be clam, mannered, wise or mature, but I don't know which way is better now. Miss.S is much braver than I am, and I think she can get mostly what she wants than me. I have to learn how to stand up for myself, not just stand back.

It is a hard thing to over the fear. To learn the trust on others. But I know it is better for me and my friends to do so. Before, I always say that I want to be a clam, smart, mature woman, yes, I still want to be all of that, but now I have to add one more. I want to be a clam, smart, mature and brave woman. A woman who isn't just accept the fact but also fight back to the fate.

For everything, for everyone, to be a better woman. And the first step will be TO BE OVER THE FEAR.

Tiger, Tiger

The Chinese New Year celebration TV show of CCTV ( The official name is Spring Festival Gala Evening) is a must to watch for me. It a tradition for many Chinese family to watch that show at New Year's eve night. The first Gala evening was at Feb.12th of 1983. I am sure I don't remember any of that because I was only 3 years old, but it become a part of my memories of Chinese New Year since then. I am fondly remembering the old times that my family would spend the new year eve night at one of my grandparents' house with all my uncles, aunts and cousins. We eat, we drink, we wear new clothes, have nice hair done and make-up (yes, even children had make-up on), we get money from our parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents, we play fireworks, and watch the gala evening on TV. What a wonderful time. I truly miss it.

It isn't easy to feel the holiday sprite in America. Not only because it isn't an American holiday that everyone will celebrate, but also because there isn't anyone to share the holiday with. Just like the saying "Happiness is happiness when only you share with others." I hasn't try too hard to keep the holiday sprite with me, but I do some small stuff to remembering the holiday. Like, buy some new clothes, have a small dinner with my friends, call home to my parents and grandparents, also some of my friends who know about the holiday. And, I don't miss the gala evening show. Thanks for the internet, I found a site which I can download the show every year. It is the only major thing I do to celebrate and to remember the holiday.

This year's show was alright. I think they could done better. There always are one show or two stand out from the others, and became the major point to the gala evening and to be remembered by people for long time. This year, it was the performance of not only my but the 70s and 80s people's youth time idol "The team of little tiger". I cried when I was watching their performance. I cried not because I am a fan of them, but because they remind me the time of purity, happiness, love, and hope; the time of everything were possible; the time of nothing is bad, and I cried because I know that is the time which will never be back. The lost of happiness, deeply inside of my heart, deeply still want to have, it won't be back.

Maybe I am having be too far from my family for too long. Maybe I am starting to get lonelier and lonelier. Maybe I am just become more mature, and maybe it is what it is. It is a part of life.

I miss my childhood, I miss home.

Well...Tiger year it is~~!!! Miss.S and Daddy are both tigers. It's their own year, and I wish them the extra best, and everyone who I love the best, and myself.

2010 WILL BE GREAT. IT WILL BE GREAT~~!!!!

To be a couple

Miss.S was on the phone with me, sharing her relationship problems as usual. She said it is such a hard work to keep relationship working, and I couldn't agree more.

Mr.B and I had our first argument today. I'd like to think it is an argument, it wasn't bad enough to be a fight, but it was bad enough to make me feel uncomfortable. The reason of the argument was small, like all other fights between couples, most of the reasons are small. My place was out of power, and I called Mr.B to ask if I can stay over his place if the power wouldn't back on. Mr.B wasn't willing to let me go to his place yet because he think his place has been clean enough yet. And, I didn't see that as a problem to keep me not going there, but for Mr.B, it is a problem. We agrued a little bit, more like we tried to convnicing each other by reasoning, but couldn't convnie each other. By the time when Mr.B said:" I told you when we start to dating that I am very busy, and you want me to go to your place all the time." I knew he was getting upset by the argument. I could have asked him:" What do you mean by I WANT YOU to come to my place all the time? You mean that you didn't want to come, and always is me ask you to?" But I didn't. I know if I said that, our argument will change to fight. It won't be any good for us. I didn't like what Mr.B said above. But it sounded like a typical couple's fight. I know where he will be going if I keep push the wave, so I just gave up. Later, Mr.B offered to come over tomorrow, and I asked him:" Do you want to?" to make sure that.

It's about time for us to have an argument or small fight. We have been together for half year now, and hadn't get into any argument or fight, which is really good and lucky too. No matter how close our point of views, personailties, thoughts are, we are still different people who grown up in different cultures, have different life experiences, belong to different age range, have different friends, etc. We have to learn to deal with the arguments and fights. As long as we want to be with each other, we need to know that there will be many more of the unpleasant arguments and fights in front of us.

I just want the best for our relationship. I hope Mr.B and I can both learn from our daily experience to creat less argments.

Well, that's what takes to be a couple.
As I always said, I have my fingers arcossed. Wish me the best.

Power over me

When I was facebooking today, I came across the homepage of one high school classmate's. We were not friends back then, and not so called friends now either. She is just someone who I have been knowing for years, and I sure I am the same way for her too. Things attracted me into her homepage were the pictures that she just updated. Seems like she just went back to China not long ago, and seems like she goes back enough to make me wonder how could she do that. I mean what is she does for living? and the guy she is with is her bf or husband? It's just hard for me to understand how she reach the point where she is at. Well...I sound like I am jealously here, yeah, I kind of am. I know the pictures can't tell the whole truth, and I don't really know what is going on with her in her life. And I shouldn't feel sour in my heart, maybe it's all because I am not having what I want in my life.

I saw couple of my high school classmates in her picture. I am thinking for myself that they still look like the old days, didn't get old and still beautiful. For that moment, I feel back to high school that I am the ugly-fat tomboy that those pretty ones made fun with. I wouldn't really call myself back then fat or ugly, but I am sure that's how they saw me in their eyes. I wasn't popular but well-known for different reasons. I still remember how they talked about me, looked down at me, laugh at me, and faking themselves around me. I felt bad when I am around them. They were the pretty ones, skinny ones, popular ones, smarter ones, be loved ones, and everything I wanted to be. I wasn't. Not pretty, nor skinny, no boyfriend, not a teacher's pet either. I was about 120 lbs, but you have to know those girls were just 90 lbs. In a culture that even man don't weight over 140 lbs, I looked big. I can't fit S or XS, and there cute girlish things looked somehow weird on me. I wasn't the girlish type which maybe deeply inside of my heart that I want to be. Just like I never could have chance to be a dad's girl because he was not there around me. Sometimes I wonder, would I be a girlish daddy's girl if I grown up in America? I like the way I am now, and I know for sure that I look much better than when I was high school. I even surprised my own classmates when I went back to China one year, my outside looking changed so much that I could make the guy who I had crash on in the high school, but wasn't into me,  fail in love with me. However, those girls still have their power over me,

Kate Winslet wasn't a popular pretty girl back when she was teenager, but look at her now. She is so beautiful, classic and sexy. Even she said:" What you feel like as a teenager never really goes away." I am so agree with that. When I look at the girls picture, I feel I was back in high school one more time.

I just want to write down this feeling. I hope I could reach my dream, or find the true happiness. I want to feel beautiful from inside out. Not only from other people's eyes, but my own.

I want to get lost in the sea of books

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I feel that I have give up reading for long time. It use to be one of my happiness, one of the things that I enjoy most while I grown up. What happened? I kept ask myself for a while. Should I blame my lock of reading to so called reality? or So called the adulthood? The busy but meaningless life that I developed in years? Maybe it's because the computer, the internet, the TV, the movies, the modern life style. I miss the feeling of reading a good book and just get lost in the book. I miss the feeling of writing too. The feeling of touch a pen and actual write something on papers, it's a art, your own creation, your own handwriting, that is you, and only you.

I was suffering my favored BBS: powerapple. I saw someone post a book list which just caught my attention. I realized how long that I haven't been reading and how many good books that I might be missed. I have been buying books, but most of those books fall in self-help or some kind of tool of life. There isn't a good novel which I feel like to read. Until maybe a month ago, I bought At First Sight, a novel by Nicholas Sparaks. I bought it simply because he wrote Notebook too and it was the last book of that title. I felt maybe it was meant to be to buy that last book. Well...I have been reading it on and off. It just got some interesting to me. I am not big fan of happily love stories, so it was a little bit bored for me until someone wrong happened. Maybe I will like this book after I done with it, I think.

I think I should take more time to read than watch Japanese dramas. God knows how much I loved watch Japanese dramas. But somehow, I start to losing interest in them. The stories get old, and I always could guess the endings. I think I learned their pattern now after almost 10 years of watching.

I just had the feeling that how great that will be if my job is reading all the books and write reviews about them. I can read them anywhere, and anytime. It will be so great. I also still wanna be a writer, but I have not enough confident in my grammar and spelling. For now, I just want to read more books. Chinese, English, Japanese if I can.

Book is wonderful.

Warm Feb

This winter has been warm. Yeah. Very warm for me, and I am happy about it.
I think it's because Mr.B. He makes me feel warm.
Love does still has great power over me. I kind of feel that way now.
I remember how I thought love is powerless couple years ago, and I have been feel that way for couple years until Mr.B came into my life.
It's too beautiful, too warm, too precious to lose.
From deeply of my heart and soul, I truly hope Mr.B and I can have great future together for our lives.
I truly hope all the hopes and wishes won't come back as nothing as before.

It has been wonderful, dreamily, unreal.
Thank God, thank life, thank fate, thank Mr.B.

It is a warm warm Feb.

Not happy?

I think I am not doing so good with my job. I am not smiling to people or being nice to people. I don't know if it is because I got use to what I do or I got bored with what I do or I just don't like what I do.

Of f cause I don't like what I do.

I want to be able to wear nice clothes, nice shoes, have nice hair and nail done, with nice make-up and notebook computer, talk with smart and powerful people, look at people's face and eye, don't have to be smile to everyone who isn't nice to me, don't have to work 9-10 hours and paid like shit, don't have to work on the weekends and being bored during work time, don't have to stay in the little store everyday and no even lunch break, don't have to drive for almost a hour everyday and go home tired without dinner ready.

Off cause I am not happy.

But what I can do to change it now? Right now, right this moment? I really can't think of anyway to change anything. It's my fault to end up like this. I shouldn't compliance to others. I know I can't live like this forever, no, I can't. Maybe top 2 more years. That will be my limit. I have to move on.

My life is better a little bit already. I am happy about that. I have Mr.B in my life now which I am very happy about it. I guess I am just a little bit blue today which I shouldn't be at all. I will try to cheer up myself a little bit.

What am I worried about? Life? or Other people?

LOL.

It's gonna be a good year

IMAGE FROM GETTYIMAGES.COM

How funny is that? The 2010 Chinese new year is same day as Valentine's day. It might happened before but not in my memories. Mr.B and I had some plans for the Valentine's day, so I had to make sure that I have enough time to call my parents and grandparents. I woke up at 6 a.m. on New Year's Eve (Feb. 13th), called my grandparents first. I think it was the first time that no other people were at their house. They were just by their own. Grandmom told me that they had lunch with 3rd and 4th uncles, and they were just watching TV now.  We didn't talk for too long, then I called my parents in Beijing. They were at my 2nd granduncle's house. I couldn't talk to them for long time 'cause they were having dinner, but they were happy to hear my voice.

Mr.B and I met up at 13th night. He was at my place before I got off from work. I went back, opened the door and saw a doze red, heart shape balloons fluttering up on my bed, a happy new year banner which in Chinese style of yellow background and red words was across my kitchen, a Chinese art style tiger poster was on my kitchen stove. Mr.B sat in front of my computer desk and a doze red rose on my computer desk in front of him. I was so happy to see all those things and to know that he took time for it. I told him that if I saw a red sport car with a doze red heart shape balloon in it on the highway, I will wonder who that lucky girl would be, and now I knew that lucky girl is me. I love the balloons. Never have anyone give me heart shape balloons, I just love them, love them. We went to Wasabi for dinner 'cause I wanted to eat some fish for New Year Eve. It was lucky that they weren't busy. The dinner was great and they gave us free dessert, didn't charge sake and another 10% off. That was very nice of them. It was lucky that I took Sunday off, so we could just take our time to enjoy each other. We went to new movie The Valentine's day which was cute. Movie is just movie. Nothing like that will happen in the real life. Everyone in the movie is great looking with great hair, great clothes, great thing or great that. Real life isn't fun like that at all. Well...movie was cute anyway. I decided to give Mr.B his Valentine's day gifts tonight. He was surprised to get all the gifts and I think he really likes the dark green bathrobe with his name on in sliver. I was happy that he likes it.  

Sunday, the valentine's day and Chinese new year day, was great. Woke up late, ate cute cupcake for lunch, took off to the spa~~!!!! Yeah. The spa was nice. I did enjoy that, and so as Mr.B. We had couples' massage. It was a little bit strange at beginning 'cause I never had a massage with another person in the same room, but it wasn't bad. I did enjoy it.  After that Mr.B got a pedicure and manicure, and I got a manicure. He was so cute when he was having a pedicure done. I was happy to see he was happy. It was around 4 30 when we done with the spa, but we felt a little bit hungry. Since we would go dinner, we decided to just get something small. Dog house was the no.1 choice for us. The chili hot dog was so good, it reminded me the first chili hot dog that I had back in Harrisonburg. Mr.B said our reservation was at 8 pm. I took shower, changed and had make-up done before we went out. Of cause, Mr.B dressed up too. It was very cute to see him try to wear his tie so seriously. Mr.B took me to melting pot~~!! I should have know it~!!! Melting pot was great, I was surprised to see a lot of ladies dressed up. I was worried that I might over dressed, but when I saw all other ladies, I didn't feel I was over dressed anymore. The food was great, and a lot. I was so full. The whole dinner time was great. I had such good time over there. It was my first official Valentine's day dinner~!!! Just a great great time. It was just great. Before we went to bed, I found a red envelop on my bed. It was a Valentine's card from Mr.B. He is so sweet. And there was money inside of it~!! I was socked to see the money and asked him what is the money for. He said it was for Chinese new year 'cause he wanted to be authentic. I laughed because I know I told him the older people will give younger people money for Chinese new year, but maybe I didn't explain well that that there is age range and also depends on what kind of relations that you have with another person. I thanked him but didn't want to keep the money. I actually did want to have a gift from him, not the money. But I know he was trying to do something different and trying to make me happy. I am happy, very happy about that 'cause I felt he was trying, not just doing it for him, but also for me.

I have a good feeling about this year. The first day of 2010 has been so sweet. The whole year will be great. Yes, It was be great.

Ganbate.

Knock on the wood~~!!

A little bit feeling of Love

IMAGE FROM GETTYIMAGES.COM

I feel a little bit in love now.

I don't like the feeling, so scary.

The Chinese lady of M&M Farm

IMAGE FROM GETTYIMAGES.COM

Mr.B is gonna stay over at my place for a night and a day because of the snow. I was happy to know that and went to shopping for some food. Mr.B loves food. I don't want him to be hungry at my place. I want to fit him, and make him happy.

There are couple places that I go for food. Stop&Shop, The whole foods and M&M farm. Stop&Shop has most basic stuff that I need, like milk, egg, meat, pasta....The whole foods has food which are suppose to be better and healthier, also be unique which I found that out. M&M farm has cheapest vegetables and fruits. It also has an small Asian market inside of it. It has been there for around 5 years. I remember the earlier days when it just open.

The owner seems to be this middle age Chinese lady. I think she has a teenager daughter. I don't go to M&M farm so often because it is a little bit far from my place, but I wanted some Chinese sweet sauce for one dish that I planned to make, I went to there. I found what I was looking for in a short time and went to pay for it. When the Chinese lady came over to take my money, I was surprised. She looked so old. She must didn't remember me anymore which isn't important. I was socked by her white hairs. I am sure that she is no more than 50, but she looked like in her late 50s. She didn't smile to me, gave me the changes very fast, then back to do what she was doing.

I kept thinking that how hard her life has been? How stressful she has been? Life isn't easy for everyone that I knew already, but it was still a sock to looked at someone aged that fast. Just in a short 5 years. I remember her smile to me and tell me about her daughter in Chinese. I remember she smiled to everyone who come to buy things. I don't know what happened to her, but it must be life, must be stress that aged her that fast.

Life isn't easy. That is the truth. Money can make life easier, but it isn't everything. I remembered my dear friends Miss.S. She aged fast too, all those stress that she had. Do I have stress? Yes, I do think I have. I try not let the stress over take me. I keep telling myself that there will be a way to solve everything. There will be an end for everything, good thing or bad thing.

Once more I realized how important it is to have a health mind. The life isn't nice or fair or easy. The people def isn't nice or fair or easy either. All you have to do is be happy. Don't let your angry over take you, don't let your desire over take you, don't let all the failures over take you.

My father is a very wiser man. He taught me so much about life. He use to said to me:" when a thing reaches its extreme, it reverses its course." Never ask too much from others, never give too much to others. Life is a not fair to everyone, but it's equal to yourself. How you want life to treat you is how you treat yourself.

I just feel life is too hard sometimes. That it is sad to see people have hard time. I just wish everyone who is having hard time will have their own happiness. Hope the Chinese lady can put her smile back on her face soon.

Hope myself can find my own happiness too.

The Chinese new year is coming. That will be my wish for myself. Also, I want to wish my grandparents, my parents, Miss.S and Mr.B the best for their own happiness and health.

Love you all.

The single ladies of Superbowl Sunday

Superbowl Sunday. A day which gives man a reason to eat, to drink, to yell, to be ruled, to be a boy, to drop off whoever they pretend to be in their normal life and to be who they really want to be. It's a man's holiday. Well, I think most of men deserve a day like that. I do want to believe that most men work hard and try to be a good person, husband, son, dad, friend and co-workers. They deserve a day to being a boy and being who they naturally are. So as Superbowl Sunday as the man's holiday, woman has to share her part in it. So she will be busy with cooking, cleaning and preparing for or with the man. That's how I thought we might not be busy at work on Superbowl Sunday. Oh, boy. Am I wrong.

The morning was slow, as a normal Sunday morning. Ladies started to coming in after lunch. And, I mean all the single ladies. Yeah, single ladies. They either come alone or with couple friends, with or without Starbucks. I looked at each of them and thought they have no party to go to. I was one of them last Superbowl but I was working anyway, I didn't feel sorry for myself, and I am sure none of those single ladies felt like that either. But somehow, I felt sorry for them this year. Maybe it's because I had somewhere to go this year. Well, being a single person is fine. I still think like that. I don't think there is anything wrong with being single. However, I do think if you are being single without a choice, you should not keep being sad.

The last lady came in was a large size, unhappy person. She looked angry even when she enjoy read a book. Well, maybe she wasn't enjoy that book. That made me think a little bit. Thought about how your face emotion shows your inner feelings. That lady looked so unhappy and ugly. Angry face is a ugly face. I kept guessing what might happen to her. She had no ring on her ring finger and she looked in her 40s. So maybe she just came out from a unhappy marriage. I know it is hard to do than say, but I think we should cheer ourselves up when we know there isn't chance to change things. I don't want to be a unhappy person who is sorry for by others. I don't want to be a ugly lady who looks 10 years older than her real age. I don't want to be a single lady who feel the world is over without her man. Well, I did feel that once before. And I know it isn't a sweet feeling. It's always hard to live happily because no matter how wonderful your life looks from outside, there isn't something called perfect. There will always be problems, issues, troubles and puzzles. It's called life.

I used to be easy troubled by life, and get deeply inside of depression and unhappy about myself and my life. I use to cry a lot at night, alone in my bed. Then, just out of blue. I thought to myself that who is gonna to care even if I cry my eyes out? Who will be there? Who cares? The people who hurt me? or the people I hurt to? No one~!! No one is there to care you and you know that, what you gonna do next? Keep crying? That's not a good idea. I gave up beating myself up at that point.

What all I want to say is that don't let other beat you up and don't let yourself beat you up~~!!! You might be the single lady who gets alone at Superbowl Sunday this year, but you never know what gonna happy next year. Always keep hope in your heart and smile on your face.

The stage 2

I think I am at stage 2 now. I don't know actually how many stages are there and I don't even know if there are stages or not. But Just for me, I thought there might be some kind of stages for relationship. So what is stage 2 then? It's the time that you are comfortable with the person enough to show the side of you that you don't show to strangers or co-workers or some friends. And also it's the time that you start to know how the person acts in front of friends and family, then you start to know if you fit in that group or not, and try to fit in it.

I don't like stage 2. I never really liked stage 2. It's hard for me to build trust between anyone. When I don't trust someone, it is very hard for me to acting normal. It might be normal, but it reminded me the time when I tried to fit into the Japanese group. I never wanted to go to those parties and never wanted to know other people. I guess my comfort zone is very small, or I am just worry too much. Maybe I look fine for other people, but I actually worry about a lot of things inside of my mind. Every every little thing will make me think. What if? What if? What if? then, what should I do? How should I act? What should I say? It's not about communications, I have no problem with that. It's about what if there are facts that I don't accept or I can't deal with it. When that kind of time come, what should I do?

I love having a boyfriend, being a relationship, and have someone to touch and be touched. But the worries, and the hard works are making me tired sometimes. I had a lot of drama in my early 20s to middle 20s. I am already tired of those things, and don't want to be in one. I just wish for a normal life, normal normal normal life. No drama, no surprises, no hidden secrets. Just a normal life. If I remember right, a normal life is what I always want to have. I still wish for that after all those years? I am too tired for all those things. If, I mean if something happened, I will choose to be alone. I need love, want to have love, want to be married and have children. But I know marriage isn't everything. If that's what relationship will bring with, I will choose no relationship. I want a simple normal life. Just like a warm Monday afternoon of May, not a hot Saturday night of July.

I really hope Mr.B has nothing above. I really hope we can work things out. As I always said, I have my fingers crossed. 'Cause you just never know, you just never know.  

A message from the past

It was socking.

When I read what he wrote, I was socked. First, I was socked to realize that is him. Second, I was socked when I jump read what he wrote. Then, I was socked when I read it one more time.

I didn't realize that is how he feels about the past still. It has been 6 years now. He still blames me and angry at me for the breakup. And, he still wanted to let me know that. I don't know what to say to that expect I am sorry for the past. I am sorry for what I did. I did apologize to him at least once before, either by phone or email. I know I was cruel to cut off relationship fast, but I think it was the best way to do it. I never told him what was happening in my life after we breakup, but I heard a lot of what was happening to him from him. He didn't have good years, didn't have good relationships, and felt like he wasn't happy about what he was doing. I am sorry that was what happening to him, but I don't want to think it is my fault to cost that. He didn't know, he didn't know I didn't have good years, didn't have good relationships, and wasn't happy about what I was doing. I had my heart broke too, into small pieces that I don't think I ever recovered from it yet. Do I hate that guy? Yes, I do. Am I angry at that guy? Yes, I am. But I won't show all my hates or angers to that guy because it is pointless. I want to be happy, I want to be healed from the broken heart, and the only way to do it is not reminding myself of that past. There are somethings and someones that you never forget. For everyone. You know you won't be able to forget, but you can choose to not remember.

I just want to let him know that I do truly wish him to be happy and find someone who is better than me, live a life which will make me regret of leaving him, and have his own happiness. We all hurt someone and got hurt by someone in our life. The important thing is to learn from the past and move on with life. Past will keep you in the past, but the future and the time won't stop for you.

I am not cruel person. I am just a person who want to be happy and have my happiness.

子夜（zi-ye): The darkest time of the night

Mr.B said to me:" Don't be afraid of what gonna happen in the future and stop your life because of that." I said back:" No, I didn't stop my life because of that." "But you stopped writing." Mr.B said. I couldn't agree more.

So here I am again. Start to writing on this beloved blog of mine once again.

I love new things, love to try new things. It's hard for me to keep writing on the same blog. But this one is a keeper. I just simply love it. I have to say that my life was more fun and exciting couple years ago that I could write something new and "foolish" fun everyday. I could write and share my love, my happiness, my anger and my deepest depressions with everyone. I was just a simple happy girl who lived in her own world. I didn't care and didn't have much to care.

When things went down hill at 2007. I stopped almost everything I did enjoy to do. There was great things, more important or should I call argent things for me to do. The princess of her own happiness hit by the reality. Wow. That was fun. I think I quieted down a  lot. For the first time of my life that I was alone. I mean I had always felt lonely when I was young, but I had never been alone. You woke up alone in the morning, spent most of the day talk to no one, eat alone, go shopping alone, go to movie alone, go to NYC alone, etc...which I did enjoyed to be alone for certain things. However, when you went to bed alone and know you would still be alone in the morning; when you saw amazing sunset and felt happy but know you wouldn't be able to share the moment with anyone; those moments made alone upgrade to loneliness. I was truly depressed sometimes and thought that kind of life would never end. There was time that I couldn't sleep at night. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but there was too much feelings filled up my mind. All those regrets, hates, angers and sadness were like the ghosts of hunted house that flowed in the dark empty spaces and crashed into the walls, windows, doors and people's hearts. To make things worse, I didn't want to talk about my problems to others. (well, I still don't want to. It's just me.) I don't like to be sorry for, laughed about, and judged of. So I had to hold in everything which was my choice and it is the way I am. Things are getting much better now. I am happy about it and cherish every little things that made me happy or showed me the first twilight of the dawn.

Well....I don't know why I am writing those things. LOL. Maybe it is good that I am writing them down that make this post as the first post of my improved happier life. Things still could be better, but I know it won't happen over night. Time is all I need, well, hard work too.

To Mr.B: when I said I was happy to know you, to be with you, and to have you in my life; I meant every words that I said.

LOVE

I went to Susan's house to take look at the gfits which she mentioned about last night. There were 2 more ladies there while I was there. Susan invited me to stay for dinner which was Pizza. I did 'cause she insisted. Susan really like to talk about my relationship. She seems to be more  exciting than I am. Just like last time, she told one of the ladies that I am gonna get married. I had to explain to the lady that I am not getting married. That is just what Susan wants from me. Susan was kind o talking to us and talking to herself:" Yes, Chris is gonna get married with her boyfriend. And, I am gonna do all the gifting and I am gonna go to the Wedding. I will give you an expensive gift. You know me, I am not a cheap person....." I laughed and kept telling the another lady that Susan is funny. That lady asked me:" Is that what you wanna then?" For a second, I didn't know how to answer. Then, I answered:" Yes, That is what I want too." I didn't even notice that I was trying to run away from my ture feelings. I am scared as I said so many times before. I dont want to have too much hope for future 'cause I don't want to be disappointed agian and agian.

Sherry was telling me same thing too. She texted me and asked me to admit that I do love Brian. Do I? Am I falling in love with him now? I remember I was telling him that I am holding back a little bit. His voice was kind of sad asked me really. I don't know how to asnwer. Yes, for some part, yes I am holding back. I don't trust him yet. I mean I do like him a lot. But can I trust him enough to give my heart 100 percent to? Can I trust him eought to release my worries to? Can i trust him enough to know that he will be by my side no matter what happen? No. I can't yet. I still need more time to know him, to learn to trust him, and to let him trust me and love me. It's almost 5 months of being together now. I am looking forward to being with him for long time. I do like him. Such a great guy that I think he will make a good husband and father. Then I start to thinking that can I be a good wife and mother? Do I still have the ablitly and power to be good enough? After all those stupid mistakes that I made, can one love me truly as who I am?

I have too  many worries that he doesn't knwo about. I can't share with anyone yet 'cause I am afraid. I don't blame anyone for what happened or what is happening now. I know I am the reason for it. I just want myself and GOD to know that I learned my lesson and I am trying and parying the best for my future. I am a good person who got lost for couple years, but now I am back on track. I am a good person. Please let me have the love, let me have the happinese which I wished for.

01-06-10 Sunny

I am trying to keep my mind out of Mr.B now. I just don't like or want to be like before that think or miss someone all the time. I don't' like the feeling of it. I don't like to be in deep emotion feeling which could lead myself to something painful. Do I still afraid of love, be loved or love someone? I think I still do. I am happy to be with him and to feel loved and share my love too. But I found out I just couldn't say it out loud. Like now I just want to forget about him for a while. Don't care if he tests me or not. I want to be fall in love, but not getting hurts.