When I was facebooking today, I came across the homepage of one high school classmate's. We were not friends back then, and not so called friends now either. She is just someone who I have been knowing for years, and I sure I am the same way for her too. Things attracted me into her homepage were the pictures that she just updated. Seems like she just went back to China not long ago, and seems like she goes back enough to make me wonder how could she do that. I mean what is she does for living? and the guy she is with is her bf or husband? It's just hard for me to understand how she reach the point where she is at. Well...I sound like I am jealously here, yeah, I kind of am. I know the pictures can't tell the whole truth, and I don't really know what is going on with her in her life. And I shouldn't feel sour in my heart, maybe it's all because I am not having what I want in my life.
I saw couple of my high school classmates in her picture. I am thinking for myself that they still look like the old days, didn't get old and still beautiful. For that moment, I feel back to high school that I am the ugly-fat tomboy that those pretty ones made fun with. I wouldn't really call myself back then fat or ugly, but I am sure that's how they saw me in their eyes. I wasn't popular but well-known for different reasons. I still remember how they talked about me, looked down at me, laugh at me, and faking themselves around me. I felt bad when I am around them. They were the pretty ones, skinny ones, popular ones, smarter ones, be loved ones, and everything I wanted to be. I wasn't. Not pretty, nor skinny, no boyfriend, not a teacher's pet either. I was about 120 lbs, but you have to know those girls were just 90 lbs. In a culture that even man don't weight over 140 lbs, I looked big. I can't fit S or XS, and there cute girlish things looked somehow weird on me. I wasn't the girlish type which maybe deeply inside of my heart that I want to be. Just like I never could have chance to be a dad's girl because he was not there around me. Sometimes I wonder, would I be a girlish daddy's girl if I grown up in America? I like the way I am now, and I know for sure that I look much better than when I was high school. I even surprised my own classmates when I went back to China one year, my outside looking changed so much that I could make the guy who I had crash on in the high school, but wasn't into me, fail in love with me. However, those girls still have their power over me,
Kate Winslet wasn't a popular pretty girl back when she was teenager, but look at her now. She is so beautiful, classic and sexy. Even she said:" What you feel like as a teenager never really goes away." I am so agree with that. When I look at the girls picture, I feel I was back in high school one more time.
I just want to write down this feeling. I hope I could reach my dream, or find the true happiness. I want to feel beautiful from inside out. Not only from other people's eyes, but my own.
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