When did the leaves turn yellow?

I still saw orange leaves on the trees just couple days ago, but there seems to be nothing left up there right now. Fall came faster every year, and I still don't know what future will be like.

Well... I can't write like I did before. Just wrote about life, love, fun or whatever just happened. It's seems so long ago that I could find every little enjoyment out of life. Days gone by same as yesterday, and I wonder if this is the way adult life should be.

I think I do worry or think too much a lot of times. That kept me far from the dream which I want to have. I just feel helpless sometimes 'cause I don't know what to do. I know it is becasue I don't ask for help either. Well...I guess I can't change myself to have this kind of pride.

Anyway,

Just haven't update for a while, wanted to write something about my life.

Everything is fine, not the best it can be, but I am still here~!

今日有雨

窗外在下雨，

不知道什麽地方出了什麽事，警車救火車救護車全都從窗前開過去；
淋得濕淋淋的馬路上反射的都是讓人煩心的警燈。

這樣的天氣，正好配上這樣的心情。

不知是否又要度過一個灰色的冬。

什麽都救不了人心。

認真

原來，認真是個很沉重的詞

即使你想認真的對待，

別人不一定會想，因爲太沉重。

認認真真的對待生活，有時候也是一種錯。

忽然的寂寞

觉得可能有很久都没有察觉什么是寂寞了，就在无意之间悄悄的来到。

原来，不论如何的习惯了一个人的生活，寂寞还是会像秋季的流感一样，在不经意之间，侵袭。

所以，我不想恋爱，不想等待，不想和人分享幸福。

什么白纸？

被人说我现在还是一张白纸，可以任意的作画。

这样说我的人，根本不了解我。

Little Cherry tree and empty egg shells

Well.... It really piss me off to see how ignorant people can be, especially when those people are asian.

J is an Asian lady close to her 50s. She likes easy life, likes to eat, likes to take care of her own health, and likes to be loved by her husband. I call that a very simply mind person, which is good at some points. J is easy to be happy, but easy to be upset at same time. I liked her before I know her too much. J made some boiled eggs other day. She think that is very health to eat a lot of boiled eggs. I saw she was cooking the eggs outside of shop, at the back door. Guess where all the emtpy egg shells end up? I found them in the garden which was outside of the shop. I was speechless. Yes, we all know the egg shell contains a lot of calcium, and good for the plants to grow. BUT...EXCAUSE ME... THAT IS THE PUBLIC AREA, NOT YOUR OWN BACKYARD. I was so shamed for her.

S is an Asian lady in her early 40s. She likes money, likes beauty, likes men, and likes to showing off what she got. She has very strong personaily, but I know she won't care about others when it comes on what is good for her or not. She always try to tell me about love, about America, about beauty. I just listen even I knew all the things she told me. I didn't want to stop her because I know she feels good when she "educates" me. She feels better than me at that point, so let she be happy. But there are times that I just couldn't take anymore because what she does is totally different as what she says. S saw the egg shells too, and she said to me that she is so shamed by J too, and said J is so not educated. Ha...guess what happened? I saw S was breaking the branchs of the two cherry trees outside of the shop. Why? Because she wanted to eat the cherries.....She went outside, breaking all the branchs that she could touch, and came back with big smile on her face:" Shanshan, you should eat this. All natual~!! It is best for you." Once again, I was speechless. OF COUSE I KNOW ALL NATUAL IS GOOD FOR ME, BUT THOSE ARE NOT YOUR TREES, THOSE BELONG TO THE PUBLIC~! God....

I went outside, looked at the egg shells and borken cherry tree, I said sorry.
Why they just don't care?

Empty Sep.

Just found out, I didn't write anything during the Sep. The whole month~!

Well, Sep actually past very fast.

Weather was changeing around, made me dizzy.
Meeting new people, made me dizzy.
Working harder than before, made me dizzy.

It's an empty month with a lot of dizzinese.

Happy B-day, China.

It's oct.1st again. The national day of China.

I felt more I stay in oversea more I love my country. I was't really care about China that much (well...I still don't care that much), but I found out I was just felt uncomfortable to talk about my nationality with other people 'cause I use to think there will be less respect from other if they know I am Chinese (actually, I think there are people look down us out there still).

Now, more and more I can accpet who am I 'cause that is one thing which I can never forget. I will still remember myself as Chinese even if I stay rest of my life in USA or other countries.

Why don't I just accpet what I can't change, that's my policy. BUT~~ accept what I can't change doesn't means to become what I can't change. I have to make sure of this point 'cause there are too many things that I can't change, but I won't sell my soul to.

Anyway, 10th year of out of China now.

Happy birthday~~! My home.

My car's name is Harlequin~!!

Finally, I found the name of my car~: HARLEQUIN~~! I had this car since 2004, and many people have come over and ask if I did the paint job by myself or not, or told me they like my car. Even couple policemans had come over and ask about my car and joked around with me. So many times that people waved to me on the high way, or take pictures of my car.

Couple people had told me that my car is rare, and only 300 of those in the world. I do believe them but nothing could prove that. Until today...... I found it~!!! The brothers and sisthers of my car~~!!! My car is not alone~~!!! I was so happy.

Check here: http://www.rossvw.com/harlequin/

You can know more about Harlequin~~!! So you won't be like other people ask me if I did the paint job by myself or not.

The best day of summer

"I have to take a break for tomorrow." I was telling myself last night before I went to sleep. Yesterday was my off day, I had enough sleep, I didn't do too much things, but I was still very tired at end of the day, and I didn't even have emerge to do my laundry. I was there, just sating in front of  my computer and telling myself to call my boss for the break. I worked hard all summer long 'cause I need the money and couldn't ask one day off. With one of the boss who keep piss me off, I really could use a break. I do worry about money...well....i don't have the greatest job in the world which make huge money like some of other people, and I am at the point of my life which I am trying to fix every bad things caused by my past mistakes. So, very tired, but I know that's what I need and should do.But... I was too tired. Finally, I did call my boss and asked for a day off. And, I am so glad that I did it.

I thought about call maki the first thing in the morning after I woke up. " We should go to the lake." I told her, luckily, maki and boyfriend tom both didn't have plan for today, and was welling to go to the lake. That was great~!!! It would be my first time wear bikini in this summer and get in water~!! (I know...summer is gone now) The lake was great~!! Weather was not so good, it was sunny day, but with cold fall wind...we stayed there for around 1 hour, and had great sandwich with ice cream. After that, we just chilled at maki and tom's place, watched movie. 

It was a great day. I was so happy that I could get out from my working place, get out from all those people who doesn't take me nice and all those troubles in my life. 

Thank God for this great day. I was very happy.

A day of not so good mood

It's my emotional wave down time now. I know myself well enough to find out easily. 

So even I didn't do much and had a body massage, I still felt very tired.

I was very hungry by the time of 3 p.m. But has no power or desire to cook anything.

As I always do, I went out for food.

Four people sat behind me might be the freshman of Yale. 2 young boys and 2 young girls. Their conversation was boring as hell, and one of the girl was keep showing off herself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so we all know you got in Yale and paid $1000 just for the application stuff, and we all know you have a great dad, also we all know you are spoiled, ok? So stop talking.  

Summer is all most gone. I hate winter. 

Winter is my dark season. Hope I won't kill myself like last winter.  

My dearest Grandpa: Happy 85th B-DAY~~!!!

It is my dearest grandpa's b-day today. August 23rd, 85 years old now~~!!!!! 

I love my grandpa a lot, he is one of the most wonderful person in this world. He means so much to me. I grew up with my grandparents ( I love my grandma as much as I love my grandpa). My parents were really busy at their work and no time for their only daughter  ( no complain about that ). I stayed with my grandparents during summer breaks, sleep besides my grandma, go shopping with my grandma, help with cooking or wash dishes, watching TV with them.... so many wonderful memories. 

My grandma is a small lady who has a big strong heart. She is very kind to me, always read bedtime stories to me, and cook wonderful food. My grandpa is a gentleman with kind and warm heart. He always let my grandma won the fight, and tells me "let your grandma control everything." He always smiles with love, tell stories about my grand-grandfather and his youth life, he also can drew beautiful Chinese water painting. I was socked how good he could draw while I was going the after school drawing class. He smiled and said:" Your grand-grandpa was an artist~! Pretty famous around our home city."

I have been in US 10 years now. I missed 10 b-days for each of my parents and grandparents. That is something that never could be recovered in my heart. I love them with all my heart. It's just sad to see they grow older and older by the pictures from home.

" Your grandma and me will live until 100~! Live until your parents and uncles all retried from their work. Hahahaha...." on the another side of phone, my grandpa laughed so loud while telling me his future plans. That's one of the reason that I love him so much. He always makes me happy. 

Happy 85th b-day~!!!! My dearest grandpa. I will always be your dearest grandchild, love you with all my heart and all my soul. 

10 years anniversary

8.16.1998. I left China with 2 huge suitcases (one of them was over weight), took a 14 hours flight, landed at LA, USA. The sun was so shining, airport was full of people mixed with the smell of coffee and cold air from the air-conditioner. Everything was so fun, so new, so scared, and so unexpected. My heart was jumping crazy with excitement, but mixed with fears. Never past single English exam back in China, and no idea what is TOFEL,  I started my life in USA.

10 YEARS PAST.

I can't even put my feelings into the words now.... 10 years.... I can't even judge my life for everything that happened is this 10 years. The things I lost, and the thing I gained. I wonder if this 10 years were worth for my life or not. Could my life be better if I stayed in China? Could I become a better, wiser person if I stayed in China? Could I never got hurts that much if I stayed in China? All those questions can not be answered now. Maybe I need 10 more years to find out that.

I am not a smart person. I learned things from pains, lost, disappoints and mistakes. This 10 year is very meaningful for me. It is the 10 year which I transform from my youth to adulthood. What I am about to become were all depended on the past 10 years.

Wooo.....I still don't believe this.... 10 years.... for some people to look at my life, they might think I am a loser ( and I know some people really want see me fail and call me a loser ), but whatever they judge me, my judgement is in my heart, not their eyes. 

Hopefully, I will be much wiser in the next 10 years. No matter where I will be, and who I will be with. 

Michael Phelps, ROCKS.

I am watching the summer olympic games every night, and the most exciting game is swiming~! Oh my god, Michael Phelps is amzing~~!! He won everything so far. I think I should cheer for the Chinese team since I am Chinese, but I can't keep away cheering for Michael Phelps. He is the one who make history~!! I want to see he win because I want to see someone can break all the limits. Just like the Visa CM says:" When they success, you success." Because after all, Michael Phelps is still a human, his winning is the winning of humanity.

Plus, he is a sexy guy who is not all over himself. Some people might show off a lot because of their success, but Michael Phelps just very low key, like it's nothing to be showing off about. I like that part of him.

Olympic is going great~~~!! Love the games~~!!

Summer of Fire

I thought I won't be able to watch the firework of this summer again. 

When I lived in BPT, I could watch the July 4th firework very easily. My house is just 5 minutes walk from the seaside park, and they host the firework at there every summer. It was hard to miss it. But since I moved out from BPT last summer, it became hard to watching the fireworks. I have been working very hard since that time, it's been hard for me to find free time just for the firework. So I give up watch it as the many things I have given up from last year.

But, who knows~!!!  

I still got the chance to have a surprising-firework-watch. It was a great surprise which God gave to me. Maybe he was trying to tell me that life is full of surprise, so do cheer up. 

Never ask too much. That's my new rule for life. 

The Dark Knight

                    

I think THE DARK KNIGHT is the best batman ever. I had to watch it twice, and still feel it is worth to watch for one more time. Yeah, it is THAT good. Heath Ledger is one of the major reasons why I love this movie so much. He is such a great actor and he nailed the role~~!!! I had watched a lot of villains in different movies, but the joker from THE DARK KNIGHT has been the best, strangest and craziest villain that I have ever watch. I love it, just purely love it.

 

Then, I have to talk about Heather Ledger's acting skills. Crazy good. He did so good and I don't even know it was him plays the joker while I was watching the movie. (Maybe because I was still remembering him as "Ennis Del Marin" in BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN ) I felt Heather Ledger kept the soul of joker and understand the role very well. Joker is crazy, he doesn't follow the rules, no one can ever understand his mind, and that's exactly what Heather Ledger showed to us. I feel so sorry for his death. It is truly a HUGE WASTE. I wish he could be alive and made more good movies. 

After all, THE DARK KNIGHT is a great movie. Joker stoled the show from batman. I loved the movie, the cast, and even the posters~~!! One of the best of 2008~~!!

Tattoo

After 5 years' waiting, I finally got a Tattoo today. Maki went there with me....

It was a very painful, but fun~!!!

I was exciting at the begining~!!
A lot of talking and laughing.

When the Tattoo started...

I was shutted up...

It was PAINFUL......

After almost 2 hours and 3 times break

IT'S DONE~!!!

I AM LOVING IT~!!

Something New

Today I did something fun and new.
Not very enjoyable and kind of painful,
but the out come isn't bad.

I guess some people will be upset about what I did,
and some people will be happy for me.
It's a new trying out,
and doesn't hurts if you do once in your life.

Well, I am not a child not more.
No complaining.

Love with my heart~!

LIE

I heard something from one old friend about someone.

He said it very simply:" S was a smart guy. You were just a victim of S and T. Most of their age people were liers, expect K."

Expect K? "That's because you don't know what he did." I was thinking.

Well...if he think only K was not a laying guy, 
I guess everyone back to that time was laying.

I am so tired of those S**T.
Don't trust any of them or whatever they said at whenever.
I am so tired of clean up baby boy's mess.

U GUYS SUCK.

Few thoughts before goes to sleep

Well...I was keep thinking if I should keep all those 
old writings from my blog or not...'cause some of 
them do remind me bad memories which I didn't wanna
be reminded.

But, the past is part of my life and made me who am I 
today. I do regert about things I did before, but I am 
also blessed that I did make mistakes, so I learn.
Also, to read the past memories make me remembered how
I use to be, and I was deeply in love before and was 
pertty crazy too...hahahaha...that's good memory.

So, I guess I keep all those old writings.
Life is only once, can't change what happens before,
why dislike it, just accpet it.

Cheer up~! my love~!

Moving my English web

I started move my old english blog to here from yesterday.
The one that I use to write from 2004 to 2006.
It's kind of fun to re-read everything I wrote and thought
when I was only 24. Wo...that's 4 years ago. Yeah, My stupid
4 years started from the summer of 2004. 

But don't take it wrong. Even I say it was stupid 4 years,
it doesn't mean I didn't enjoy any of it. I did have a lot of 
good time, and I am happy I had those times.

However, I do regret about things that I did too. I own a lot
of "sorry" to some people. Well...I think I am not a smart
person, that I learned life in a hard way which I WON'T FORGET.

It gonna take me a while to finshie all the moving, but once
I done with it, I will let you guys know.

Yes, this blog will be open for everyone, not only you anymore.

CHEER UP, MY LOVE~~~~

Good news

Hi~ You~~
long time no see~~
How's everything so far?
I have a good news.
No more blue feelings for me anymore.
Now,
I am happy every day and love my life.

It takes me a year to be recoverd,
but I did~~~!!

Life is good,
no matter with someone or not.

Life is mine,
no matter with someone of not.

I haven't feel this happy for long time,
finally, i have my own life.

Thanks for breaking my heart~~

Late Night Thoughts

It's late night now. 
I couldn't sleep but I am already tired.
Maybe it's the coffee,
or maybe the bed is too warm.
What is keeping me up with a tired body?

I wonder
does anyone still come to this blog?
does anyone still remember this blog?
It's all doesn't matter now,
I need a place to write my thoughts,
No matter if anyone wants to know or not.

How many nights were like tonight already?
I lost cont with it.
Close my eyes, and see thoughts flying by.
Current, past, future,
Hopes, wishes, dreams,
Missed ones, loved ones, hated ones,
Regrets, happinese, afarids.
Or...just lonlnese which keeps me unsleep.

Tabacco's smoke flows in the dark night,
so beautiful that happinese won't understand.
There is no promise to keep me being someone elase.
How to be who you are with hisotry of unforgetable?

People who aremoving forward as new born baby,
either have strong mind or cold heart.
Since when I start to smile to unacceptable?
I want to be the me who never lost soul before,
but no matter how I could be like her outside,
I still can't kick out the shaows at the night as tonight.

Something once you have done,
you will never get use to.
Some people once your heart dies for,
you will never forget.
Some hurts once you have on,
you will never be recovered.

One person's power is not enough to change anything,
but I am too afarid that I'd love to be powerless.
Now...I don't remember anymore,
never loved, never happened, never remembered,
but why I still cry sometimes?
What makes me cry?
Maybe just the life.

Surpisely, 
the one I missed most isn't the one I thought.
The ones who I loved much,
are dead.
I only can think like that to be able to love again.

If you are the one who is willing to love me,
please don't ask my past,
just simply accept who am I today.
'Cause I promise you,
Death won't return to alive.

4 a.m again.
the time in my dream was 28:00.
the time was your death.

Oyasumi.

one year

It's been one year.
Would you say the time past fast?
I never could forget.
How I can start something new 
without saying goodbye to the old.

Pana is doing good.
I guess so am I.

Another star never shines.

Wish your dreams come true.