The weather is great. Surprise it's around 60. I thought about many things. Then thought it is best to write my feelings down before it drives me crazy.
It is scare to feel that you start to like someone. Yes. I am scared. The fears are so strong that I almost could just give up the feeling and be alone again. But i don't want to be alone. I want to have family, Children, someone who loves me. The desires are stronger enough to push me keep dating.
11/20/2009
11/18/2009
幸福是渴望不可求的吗？
仿佛越幸福越觉得可怕。
最近一切的一切都很好，除了身体上有点小小的不舒服以外，其他的都很好。很好的让我觉得有点害怕。我想没有 经历过痛苦的人应该不会理解我的感受，那种在寒冬里行走很久的人，眼看着春天就要来到，却害怕渴望的春天来到之前先到来的流感一样。
我怕 那种失去幸福的感觉，我已经失去过了，不再愿意再次经历一次。
最近一切的一切都很好，除了身体上有点小小的不舒服以外，其他的都很好。很好的让我觉得有点害怕。我想没有 经历过痛苦的人应该不会理解我的感受，那种在寒冬里行走很久的人，眼看着春天就要来到，却害怕渴望的春天来到之前先到来的流感一样。
我怕 那种失去幸福的感觉，我已经失去过了，不再愿意再次经历一次。
11/13/2009
嫉妒是可恥的
最近，我一直對真紀子的態度很不好。常常冷言冷語的對 她，説話很無情。大概，從她結婚的那一天起，我對她的態度就完全改變了。好像被她背叛了一樣。心中的那種感覺，越來越強烈，對她的新婚生活一點都沒有祝 福，對她生活中的一切一切都冷言對待。那種感覺，我知道叫做嫉妒。
第一次有這種感覺，第一次被這種感覺強烈的支配了。這段時間，我忽然很 了解《太陽的歌》中，那美麗卻内心黑暗的女主角的感受，她不停的迫害身邊幸福的人，是因爲她受不了比她幸福的人。我深深的了解到那種感覺。真紀子是個思想 很簡單的人，我真的有的時候會覺得她有些輕微癡呆，因爲有兩次她居然問了我連幼兒園的小孩子都知道的常識問題。什麽都不用努力的她，心裏不希望她能幸福。
我知道這樣的想法很黑暗，很不善良。可是對她我真的一點祝福都送不出去。很快，她就會去其它的地方工作了，我其實很高興，因爲我不想每天見到她， 如果每天繼續這樣見她的話，我可能會和她永遠都做不了朋友了。希望我能調整好自己的心態，不去管她的生活。
嫉妒是可恥的，我不想成爲一個 可恥的人。
第一次有這種感覺，第一次被這種感覺強烈的支配了。這段時間，我忽然很 了解《太陽的歌》中，那美麗卻内心黑暗的女主角的感受，她不停的迫害身邊幸福的人，是因爲她受不了比她幸福的人。我深深的了解到那種感覺。真紀子是個思想 很簡單的人，我真的有的時候會覺得她有些輕微癡呆，因爲有兩次她居然問了我連幼兒園的小孩子都知道的常識問題。什麽都不用努力的她，心裏不希望她能幸福。
我知道這樣的想法很黑暗，很不善良。可是對她我真的一點祝福都送不出去。很快，她就會去其它的地方工作了，我其實很高興，因爲我不想每天見到她， 如果每天繼續這樣見她的話，我可能會和她永遠都做不了朋友了。希望我能調整好自己的心態，不去管她的生活。
嫉妒是可恥的，我不想成爲一個 可恥的人。
11/05/2009
The baseball
Yankees just won the world series last night at NYC. I watched the whole game at home alone, and started to understand why baseball has so many fans, and why all those fans are crazy about it. Baseball is different with a lot of other sports. It is not a game which can be exciting though the whole game. It could be a bit of boring. It could be a very long hours game and too many rules to follow. I wasn't even understand the whole rules and only has been watch the game for couple times. However, when I was sitting on my bed, alone, in the dark last night; I first time felt that I could fall in love with this game.
Baseball, is like the process of success. Each hit, each throw, each catch; one step at a time, every player has their own role, and they play it well. Then when it comes to the last moment of wining or losing, unlike other sport that players are always in moving motion which could take their attention from the stress that the cheering fans and press bring to them. Baseball players can actually hear the cheer, feel the press. The fans' cheering were loud enough to break down the whole stadium; all eyes, all cameras, all lights, are on the pitcher. He feels the heat, the passion, the hopes the prays. So much pressure on him, but he has to put all those behind, eyes on the catcher, mind on the hitter, "straight, curve or fast?"
I like that they have to stay clam under such pressure. The stillness of them, the Sharp mind and sharp eyes. Making the important decision in such a short time and giving the best performance under the pressure. I truly admire that. The clamminess, stillness, clearness of the mind. I truly, truly admire that. They don't show any fear, any panic, any thoughts in front of their rival. Everything, they hold in. They hold in all the thinking, planning, fear, worries and weakness; they straight up their eye contact, show no fear. I admire that. I want to be just like them.
The worse thing of being a woman is easy to get emotional. I try not to be, try just be rational, be clam, be reasonable, be understandable. Recently, I feel there is anger in me. The anger of jealousy. Yes, I have to be truthful to myself at least. I am jealousy at others. At people who are worse than me but got what I want easily. Life isn't fair. I should know that already, but it's so hard to see some people are happy by luck. I know I am better than them in many ways, but I just can't work around what I have to get what I want.
Well... I am still a human. A small small human.
Baseball, is like the process of success. Each hit, each throw, each catch; one step at a time, every player has their own role, and they play it well. Then when it comes to the last moment of wining or losing, unlike other sport that players are always in moving motion which could take their attention from the stress that the cheering fans and press bring to them. Baseball players can actually hear the cheer, feel the press. The fans' cheering were loud enough to break down the whole stadium; all eyes, all cameras, all lights, are on the pitcher. He feels the heat, the passion, the hopes the prays. So much pressure on him, but he has to put all those behind, eyes on the catcher, mind on the hitter, "straight, curve or fast?"
I like that they have to stay clam under such pressure. The stillness of them, the Sharp mind and sharp eyes. Making the important decision in such a short time and giving the best performance under the pressure. I truly admire that. The clamminess, stillness, clearness of the mind. I truly, truly admire that. They don't show any fear, any panic, any thoughts in front of their rival. Everything, they hold in. They hold in all the thinking, planning, fear, worries and weakness; they straight up their eye contact, show no fear. I admire that. I want to be just like them.
The worse thing of being a woman is easy to get emotional. I try not to be, try just be rational, be clam, be reasonable, be understandable. Recently, I feel there is anger in me. The anger of jealousy. Yes, I have to be truthful to myself at least. I am jealousy at others. At people who are worse than me but got what I want easily. Life isn't fair. I should know that already, but it's so hard to see some people are happy by luck. I know I am better than them in many ways, but I just can't work around what I have to get what I want.
Well... I am still a human. A small small human.
11/04/2009
有时候的一些心情
生活本来就不是一件简单的事情。不论是谁，都必须承受生活给的压力。
20岁的时光已经没有剩下太多了，再过半年，我就要满30岁 了。听说30岁的女人可以活得比20岁美丽，我对自己的将来不是说没有信心，只是充满了不安。
人生中，我可以没有爱情，但我确确实实的需 要亲情和友情。因为觉得只有这两样是可以纯真无邪的。
我觉得很幸运，我有那么爱我的父母。也有那么关爱我的朋友。我何必祈求无怨无悔的爱 情呢？
我对爱情这个东西，已经没有太多的奢望。坦诚地讲，谁都希望有那个可以所谓的爱情，但爱情的定义却无时无刻的在改变。我已经拥有过 那些电视上演过无数次的爱情，现在我想要的只是平凡的幸福。好笑的是，那居然是我在22岁时渴望的是同一种东西。
人生也好，爱情也好。我 不愿意把它们当成一场游戏。
Sherry说我是一个好人。我说这让我很伤心，因为好人一般都不幸。
真的是这样的吗？
人生太复杂，没有任何人可以给一个定义。
20岁的时光已经没有剩下太多了，再过半年，我就要满30岁 了。听说30岁的女人可以活得比20岁美丽，我对自己的将来不是说没有信心，只是充满了不安。
人生中，我可以没有爱情，但我确确实实的需 要亲情和友情。因为觉得只有这两样是可以纯真无邪的。
我觉得很幸运，我有那么爱我的父母。也有那么关爱我的朋友。我何必祈求无怨无悔的爱 情呢？
我对爱情这个东西，已经没有太多的奢望。坦诚地讲，谁都希望有那个可以所谓的爱情，但爱情的定义却无时无刻的在改变。我已经拥有过 那些电视上演过无数次的爱情，现在我想要的只是平凡的幸福。好笑的是，那居然是我在22岁时渴望的是同一种东西。
人生也好，爱情也好。我 不愿意把它们当成一场游戏。
Sherry说我是一个好人。我说这让我很伤心，因为好人一般都不幸。
真的是这样的吗？
人生太复杂，没有任何人可以给一个定义。
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