12-18-09 Sunny

I think I am driving myself crazy again. I can't stop the worrying in my heard. Its seems like the only time that I could stop being worry is the time I fall in sleep. I start to wonder if there is anything wrong with me mentally now. I tried to find an answer of my action, and the only reason that I could think about is I might afraid of being happy. So I keep beat up myself. I mean that my life isn't great yet or anywhere close to what I really want. But it's better than last 2 years. Everything is getting better. I got a new car, new boyfriend, lost the weight which I wanted to lose, grow my hair long to what I wanted it to be, manged my money better and wiser than before. Everything is getting better, and I am happy with it and truly appreciated. Why am I feel this? Why? Why I am worried so much?

While I was coming to work this morning, I was thinking that how happy that I use to be, how worry free that I use to be. I guess I always worried about things but I don't remember that I have been worry as much as I am now. It's like I think something will go wrong because everything has been great, and that's not normal. 

12-16-09 Sunny

I can't do this job forever. I don't like this nail job and feel shamed to say I am working in a nail salon. The eduction told us that there isn't class difference between human being. That is a lie. There is. I don't like the feeling of doing this, and it makes me feel that I am a stupid, useless person who can't do anything require a brain but this. I know I am now. I don't have the chance and the key which normal American people have. I know I have to be patient, I have to be clam and control my urge to do crazy thing or make bad decision. There are a lot of short-cuts to reach one's goal, but I believe in right moral and hard working, also karma. I don't want to be a cold heart person who only think myself. I need future, need money, need my dream to be come true. But I will take my time, follow my heart, follow my moral. Short-cut may bring the dreams or whatever I want faster, but I believe it won't be strong or lasing enough for long-term. I am not only look at now, look at a month or a year. I think far. Someone might say "Live today, die tomorrow," which I do agree somehow, but I won't take that as live just now, and don't care the consequences which will come after the time passes. I believe in myself, believe in my parents' eduction. I am better than that. I am my father's child. I should know what is right or wrong. It's all about long term, not what is in front or a short term. I take my life seriously. I am not take any more chances.

12-12-09 Sunny

/Do you still believe in love? I couldn't help myself to ask the question to myself. Repeating many times in my head. "Do you still believe in love?" or should I ask "Do you still want to believe in love?" Do I? Deep in side of my mind the answer of yes jumps out without control, but I couldn't say it out loud. My heart tells me one thing but my mind tells me another.

I have been searching for love a while now. I think I did found it couple times but I lost it. Some cased by me and some cased by other. I don't know if I shouldn't trust myself or I shouldn't trust others.

12-10-09 Sunny

I had a dream last night. Dreamed about Mr.B's ex-girlfriend. I woke up and felt upset of dreaming about that. I am not upset of the dream ex-girlfriend or how my dream might come true sometimes. I am upset about myself dreamed about this kind of thing. I don't want to be the person who I use to be. I don't want to be controlled by my feelings or emotions. I don't want to be bothered by guessing, worries, doubts. That is the part of relationship which I hate to have. So I wrote this feeling down and "let it go! Let it go."