Power over me

When I was facebooking today, I came across the homepage of one high school classmate's. We were not friends back then, and not so called friends now either. She is just someone who I have been knowing for years, and I sure I am the same way for her too. Things attracted me into her homepage were the pictures that she just updated. Seems like she just went back to China not long ago, and seems like she goes back enough to make me wonder how could she do that. I mean what is she does for living? and the guy she is with is her bf or husband? It's just hard for me to understand how she reach the point where she is at. Well...I sound like I am jealously here, yeah, I kind of am. I know the pictures can't tell the whole truth, and I don't really know what is going on with her in her life. And I shouldn't feel sour in my heart, maybe it's all because I am not having what I want in my life.

I saw couple of my high school classmates in her picture. I am thinking for myself that they still look like the old days, didn't get old and still beautiful. For that moment, I feel back to high school that I am the ugly-fat tomboy that those pretty ones made fun with. I wouldn't really call myself back then fat or ugly, but I am sure that's how they saw me in their eyes. I wasn't popular but well-known for different reasons. I still remember how they talked about me, looked down at me, laugh at me, and faking themselves around me. I felt bad when I am around them. They were the pretty ones, skinny ones, popular ones, smarter ones, be loved ones, and everything I wanted to be. I wasn't. Not pretty, nor skinny, no boyfriend, not a teacher's pet either. I was about 120 lbs, but you have to know those girls were just 90 lbs. In a culture that even man don't weight over 140 lbs, I looked big. I can't fit S or XS, and there cute girlish things looked somehow weird on me. I wasn't the girlish type which maybe deeply inside of my heart that I want to be. Just like I never could have chance to be a dad's girl because he was not there around me. Sometimes I wonder, would I be a girlish daddy's girl if I grown up in America? I like the way I am now, and I know for sure that I look much better than when I was high school. I even surprised my own classmates when I went back to China one year, my outside looking changed so much that I could make the guy who I had crash on in the high school, but wasn't into me,  fail in love with me. However, those girls still have their power over me,

Kate Winslet wasn't a popular pretty girl back when she was teenager, but look at her now. She is so beautiful, classic and sexy. Even she said:" What you feel like as a teenager never really goes away." I am so agree with that. When I look at the girls picture, I feel I was back in high school one more time.

I just want to write down this feeling. I hope I could reach my dream, or find the true happiness. I want to feel beautiful from inside out. Not only from other people's eyes, but my own.

I want to get lost in the sea of books

Image from Flickr

I feel that I have give up reading for long time. It use to be one of my happiness, one of the things that I enjoy most while I grown up. What happened? I kept ask myself for a while. Should I blame my lock of reading to so called reality? or So called the adulthood? The busy but meaningless life that I developed in years? Maybe it's because the computer, the internet, the TV, the movies, the modern life style. I miss the feeling of reading a good book and just get lost in the book. I miss the feeling of writing too. The feeling of touch a pen and actual write something on papers, it's a art, your own creation, your own handwriting, that is you, and only you.

I was suffering my favored BBS: powerapple. I saw someone post a book list which just caught my attention. I realized how long that I haven't been reading and how many good books that I might be missed. I have been buying books, but most of those books fall in self-help or some kind of tool of life. There isn't a good novel which I feel like to read. Until maybe a month ago, I bought At First Sight, a novel by Nicholas Sparaks. I bought it simply because he wrote Notebook too and it was the last book of that title. I felt maybe it was meant to be to buy that last book. Well...I have been reading it on and off. It just got some interesting to me. I am not big fan of happily love stories, so it was a little bit bored for me until someone wrong happened. Maybe I will like this book after I done with it, I think.

I think I should take more time to read than watch Japanese dramas. God knows how much I loved watch Japanese dramas. But somehow, I start to losing interest in them. The stories get old, and I always could guess the endings. I think I learned their pattern now after almost 10 years of watching.

I just had the feeling that how great that will be if my job is reading all the books and write reviews about them. I can read them anywhere, and anytime. It will be so great. I also still wanna be a writer, but I have not enough confident in my grammar and spelling. For now, I just want to read more books. Chinese, English, Japanese if I can.

Book is wonderful.

Warm Feb

This winter has been warm. Yeah. Very warm for me, and I am happy about it.
I think it's because Mr.B. He makes me feel warm.
Love does still has great power over me. I kind of feel that way now.
I remember how I thought love is powerless couple years ago, and I have been feel that way for couple years until Mr.B came into my life.
It's too beautiful, too warm, too precious to lose.
From deeply of my heart and soul, I truly hope Mr.B and I can have great future together for our lives.
I truly hope all the hopes and wishes won't come back as nothing as before.

It has been wonderful, dreamily, unreal.
Thank God, thank life, thank fate, thank Mr.B.

It is a warm warm Feb.

Not happy?

I think I am not doing so good with my job. I am not smiling to people or being nice to people. I don't know if it is because I got use to what I do or I got bored with what I do or I just don't like what I do.

Of f cause I don't like what I do.

I want to be able to wear nice clothes, nice shoes, have nice hair and nail done, with nice make-up and notebook computer, talk with smart and powerful people, look at people's face and eye, don't have to be smile to everyone who isn't nice to me, don't have to work 9-10 hours and paid like shit, don't have to work on the weekends and being bored during work time, don't have to stay in the little store everyday and no even lunch break, don't have to drive for almost a hour everyday and go home tired without dinner ready.

Off cause I am not happy.

But what I can do to change it now? Right now, right this moment? I really can't think of anyway to change anything. It's my fault to end up like this. I shouldn't compliance to others. I know I can't live like this forever, no, I can't. Maybe top 2 more years. That will be my limit. I have to move on.

My life is better a little bit already. I am happy about that. I have Mr.B in my life now which I am very happy about it. I guess I am just a little bit blue today which I shouldn't be at all. I will try to cheer up myself a little bit.

What am I worried about? Life? or Other people?

LOL.

It's gonna be a good year

IMAGE FROM GETTYIMAGES.COM

How funny is that? The 2010 Chinese new year is same day as Valentine's day. It might happened before but not in my memories. Mr.B and I had some plans for the Valentine's day, so I had to make sure that I have enough time to call my parents and grandparents. I woke up at 6 a.m. on New Year's Eve (Feb. 13th), called my grandparents first. I think it was the first time that no other people were at their house. They were just by their own. Grandmom told me that they had lunch with 3rd and 4th uncles, and they were just watching TV now.  We didn't talk for too long, then I called my parents in Beijing. They were at my 2nd granduncle's house. I couldn't talk to them for long time 'cause they were having dinner, but they were happy to hear my voice.

Mr.B and I met up at 13th night. He was at my place before I got off from work. I went back, opened the door and saw a doze red, heart shape balloons fluttering up on my bed, a happy new year banner which in Chinese style of yellow background and red words was across my kitchen, a Chinese art style tiger poster was on my kitchen stove. Mr.B sat in front of my computer desk and a doze red rose on my computer desk in front of him. I was so happy to see all those things and to know that he took time for it. I told him that if I saw a red sport car with a doze red heart shape balloon in it on the highway, I will wonder who that lucky girl would be, and now I knew that lucky girl is me. I love the balloons. Never have anyone give me heart shape balloons, I just love them, love them. We went to Wasabi for dinner 'cause I wanted to eat some fish for New Year Eve. It was lucky that they weren't busy. The dinner was great and they gave us free dessert, didn't charge sake and another 10% off. That was very nice of them. It was lucky that I took Sunday off, so we could just take our time to enjoy each other. We went to new movie The Valentine's day which was cute. Movie is just movie. Nothing like that will happen in the real life. Everyone in the movie is great looking with great hair, great clothes, great thing or great that. Real life isn't fun like that at all. Well...movie was cute anyway. I decided to give Mr.B his Valentine's day gifts tonight. He was surprised to get all the gifts and I think he really likes the dark green bathrobe with his name on in sliver. I was happy that he likes it.  

Sunday, the valentine's day and Chinese new year day, was great. Woke up late, ate cute cupcake for lunch, took off to the spa~~!!!! Yeah. The spa was nice. I did enjoy that, and so as Mr.B. We had couples' massage. It was a little bit strange at beginning 'cause I never had a massage with another person in the same room, but it wasn't bad. I did enjoy it.  After that Mr.B got a pedicure and manicure, and I got a manicure. He was so cute when he was having a pedicure done. I was happy to see he was happy. It was around 4 30 when we done with the spa, but we felt a little bit hungry. Since we would go dinner, we decided to just get something small. Dog house was the no.1 choice for us. The chili hot dog was so good, it reminded me the first chili hot dog that I had back in Harrisonburg. Mr.B said our reservation was at 8 pm. I took shower, changed and had make-up done before we went out. Of cause, Mr.B dressed up too. It was very cute to see him try to wear his tie so seriously. Mr.B took me to melting pot~~!! I should have know it~!!! Melting pot was great, I was surprised to see a lot of ladies dressed up. I was worried that I might over dressed, but when I saw all other ladies, I didn't feel I was over dressed anymore. The food was great, and a lot. I was so full. The whole dinner time was great. I had such good time over there. It was my first official Valentine's day dinner~!!! Just a great great time. It was just great. Before we went to bed, I found a red envelop on my bed. It was a Valentine's card from Mr.B. He is so sweet. And there was money inside of it~!! I was socked to see the money and asked him what is the money for. He said it was for Chinese new year 'cause he wanted to be authentic. I laughed because I know I told him the older people will give younger people money for Chinese new year, but maybe I didn't explain well that that there is age range and also depends on what kind of relations that you have with another person. I thanked him but didn't want to keep the money. I actually did want to have a gift from him, not the money. But I know he was trying to do something different and trying to make me happy. I am happy, very happy about that 'cause I felt he was trying, not just doing it for him, but also for me.

I have a good feeling about this year. The first day of 2010 has been so sweet. The whole year will be great. Yes, It was be great.

Ganbate.

Knock on the wood~~!!

A little bit feeling of Love

IMAGE FROM GETTYIMAGES.COM

I feel a little bit in love now.

I don't like the feeling, so scary.

The Chinese lady of M&M Farm

IMAGE FROM GETTYIMAGES.COM

Mr.B is gonna stay over at my place for a night and a day because of the snow. I was happy to know that and went to shopping for some food. Mr.B loves food. I don't want him to be hungry at my place. I want to fit him, and make him happy.

There are couple places that I go for food. Stop&Shop, The whole foods and M&M farm. Stop&Shop has most basic stuff that I need, like milk, egg, meat, pasta....The whole foods has food which are suppose to be better and healthier, also be unique which I found that out. M&M farm has cheapest vegetables and fruits. It also has an small Asian market inside of it. It has been there for around 5 years. I remember the earlier days when it just open.

The owner seems to be this middle age Chinese lady. I think she has a teenager daughter. I don't go to M&M farm so often because it is a little bit far from my place, but I wanted some Chinese sweet sauce for one dish that I planned to make, I went to there. I found what I was looking for in a short time and went to pay for it. When the Chinese lady came over to take my money, I was surprised. She looked so old. She must didn't remember me anymore which isn't important. I was socked by her white hairs. I am sure that she is no more than 50, but she looked like in her late 50s. She didn't smile to me, gave me the changes very fast, then back to do what she was doing.

I kept thinking that how hard her life has been? How stressful she has been? Life isn't easy for everyone that I knew already, but it was still a sock to looked at someone aged that fast. Just in a short 5 years. I remember her smile to me and tell me about her daughter in Chinese. I remember she smiled to everyone who come to buy things. I don't know what happened to her, but it must be life, must be stress that aged her that fast.

Life isn't easy. That is the truth. Money can make life easier, but it isn't everything. I remembered my dear friends Miss.S. She aged fast too, all those stress that she had. Do I have stress? Yes, I do think I have. I try not let the stress over take me. I keep telling myself that there will be a way to solve everything. There will be an end for everything, good thing or bad thing.

Once more I realized how important it is to have a health mind. The life isn't nice or fair or easy. The people def isn't nice or fair or easy either. All you have to do is be happy. Don't let your angry over take you, don't let your desire over take you, don't let all the failures over take you.

My father is a very wiser man. He taught me so much about life. He use to said to me:" when a thing reaches its extreme, it reverses its course." Never ask too much from others, never give too much to others. Life is a not fair to everyone, but it's equal to yourself. How you want life to treat you is how you treat yourself.

I just feel life is too hard sometimes. That it is sad to see people have hard time. I just wish everyone who is having hard time will have their own happiness. Hope the Chinese lady can put her smile back on her face soon.

Hope myself can find my own happiness too.

The Chinese new year is coming. That will be my wish for myself. Also, I want to wish my grandparents, my parents, Miss.S and Mr.B the best for their own happiness and health.

Love you all.

The single ladies of Superbowl Sunday

Superbowl Sunday. A day which gives man a reason to eat, to drink, to yell, to be ruled, to be a boy, to drop off whoever they pretend to be in their normal life and to be who they really want to be. It's a man's holiday. Well, I think most of men deserve a day like that. I do want to believe that most men work hard and try to be a good person, husband, son, dad, friend and co-workers. They deserve a day to being a boy and being who they naturally are. So as Superbowl Sunday as the man's holiday, woman has to share her part in it. So she will be busy with cooking, cleaning and preparing for or with the man. That's how I thought we might not be busy at work on Superbowl Sunday. Oh, boy. Am I wrong.

The morning was slow, as a normal Sunday morning. Ladies started to coming in after lunch. And, I mean all the single ladies. Yeah, single ladies. They either come alone or with couple friends, with or without Starbucks. I looked at each of them and thought they have no party to go to. I was one of them last Superbowl but I was working anyway, I didn't feel sorry for myself, and I am sure none of those single ladies felt like that either. But somehow, I felt sorry for them this year. Maybe it's because I had somewhere to go this year. Well, being a single person is fine. I still think like that. I don't think there is anything wrong with being single. However, I do think if you are being single without a choice, you should not keep being sad.

The last lady came in was a large size, unhappy person. She looked angry even when she enjoy read a book. Well, maybe she wasn't enjoy that book. That made me think a little bit. Thought about how your face emotion shows your inner feelings. That lady looked so unhappy and ugly. Angry face is a ugly face. I kept guessing what might happen to her. She had no ring on her ring finger and she looked in her 40s. So maybe she just came out from a unhappy marriage. I know it is hard to do than say, but I think we should cheer ourselves up when we know there isn't chance to change things. I don't want to be a unhappy person who is sorry for by others. I don't want to be a ugly lady who looks 10 years older than her real age. I don't want to be a single lady who feel the world is over without her man. Well, I did feel that once before. And I know it isn't a sweet feeling. It's always hard to live happily because no matter how wonderful your life looks from outside, there isn't something called perfect. There will always be problems, issues, troubles and puzzles. It's called life.

I used to be easy troubled by life, and get deeply inside of depression and unhappy about myself and my life. I use to cry a lot at night, alone in my bed. Then, just out of blue. I thought to myself that who is gonna to care even if I cry my eyes out? Who will be there? Who cares? The people who hurt me? or the people I hurt to? No one~!! No one is there to care you and you know that, what you gonna do next? Keep crying? That's not a good idea. I gave up beating myself up at that point.

What all I want to say is that don't let other beat you up and don't let yourself beat you up~~!!! You might be the single lady who gets alone at Superbowl Sunday this year, but you never know what gonna happy next year. Always keep hope in your heart and smile on your face.

The stage 2

I think I am at stage 2 now. I don't know actually how many stages are there and I don't even know if there are stages or not. But Just for me, I thought there might be some kind of stages for relationship. So what is stage 2 then? It's the time that you are comfortable with the person enough to show the side of you that you don't show to strangers or co-workers or some friends. And also it's the time that you start to know how the person acts in front of friends and family, then you start to know if you fit in that group or not, and try to fit in it.

I don't like stage 2. I never really liked stage 2. It's hard for me to build trust between anyone. When I don't trust someone, it is very hard for me to acting normal. It might be normal, but it reminded me the time when I tried to fit into the Japanese group. I never wanted to go to those parties and never wanted to know other people. I guess my comfort zone is very small, or I am just worry too much. Maybe I look fine for other people, but I actually worry about a lot of things inside of my mind. Every every little thing will make me think. What if? What if? What if? then, what should I do? How should I act? What should I say? It's not about communications, I have no problem with that. It's about what if there are facts that I don't accept or I can't deal with it. When that kind of time come, what should I do?

I love having a boyfriend, being a relationship, and have someone to touch and be touched. But the worries, and the hard works are making me tired sometimes. I had a lot of drama in my early 20s to middle 20s. I am already tired of those things, and don't want to be in one. I just wish for a normal life, normal normal normal life. No drama, no surprises, no hidden secrets. Just a normal life. If I remember right, a normal life is what I always want to have. I still wish for that after all those years? I am too tired for all those things. If, I mean if something happened, I will choose to be alone. I need love, want to have love, want to be married and have children. But I know marriage isn't everything. If that's what relationship will bring with, I will choose no relationship. I want a simple normal life. Just like a warm Monday afternoon of May, not a hot Saturday night of July.

I really hope Mr.B has nothing above. I really hope we can work things out. As I always said, I have my fingers crossed. 'Cause you just never know, you just never know.  

A message from the past

It was socking.

When I read what he wrote, I was socked. First, I was socked to realize that is him. Second, I was socked when I jump read what he wrote. Then, I was socked when I read it one more time.

I didn't realize that is how he feels about the past still. It has been 6 years now. He still blames me and angry at me for the breakup. And, he still wanted to let me know that. I don't know what to say to that expect I am sorry for the past. I am sorry for what I did. I did apologize to him at least once before, either by phone or email. I know I was cruel to cut off relationship fast, but I think it was the best way to do it. I never told him what was happening in my life after we breakup, but I heard a lot of what was happening to him from him. He didn't have good years, didn't have good relationships, and felt like he wasn't happy about what he was doing. I am sorry that was what happening to him, but I don't want to think it is my fault to cost that. He didn't know, he didn't know I didn't have good years, didn't have good relationships, and wasn't happy about what I was doing. I had my heart broke too, into small pieces that I don't think I ever recovered from it yet. Do I hate that guy? Yes, I do. Am I angry at that guy? Yes, I am. But I won't show all my hates or angers to that guy because it is pointless. I want to be happy, I want to be healed from the broken heart, and the only way to do it is not reminding myself of that past. There are somethings and someones that you never forget. For everyone. You know you won't be able to forget, but you can choose to not remember.

I just want to let him know that I do truly wish him to be happy and find someone who is better than me, live a life which will make me regret of leaving him, and have his own happiness. We all hurt someone and got hurt by someone in our life. The important thing is to learn from the past and move on with life. Past will keep you in the past, but the future and the time won't stop for you.

I am not cruel person. I am just a person who want to be happy and have my happiness.

子夜（zi-ye): The darkest time of the night

Mr.B said to me:" Don't be afraid of what gonna happen in the future and stop your life because of that." I said back:" No, I didn't stop my life because of that." "But you stopped writing." Mr.B said. I couldn't agree more.

So here I am again. Start to writing on this beloved blog of mine once again.

I love new things, love to try new things. It's hard for me to keep writing on the same blog. But this one is a keeper. I just simply love it. I have to say that my life was more fun and exciting couple years ago that I could write something new and "foolish" fun everyday. I could write and share my love, my happiness, my anger and my deepest depressions with everyone. I was just a simple happy girl who lived in her own world. I didn't care and didn't have much to care.

When things went down hill at 2007. I stopped almost everything I did enjoy to do. There was great things, more important or should I call argent things for me to do. The princess of her own happiness hit by the reality. Wow. That was fun. I think I quieted down a  lot. For the first time of my life that I was alone. I mean I had always felt lonely when I was young, but I had never been alone. You woke up alone in the morning, spent most of the day talk to no one, eat alone, go shopping alone, go to movie alone, go to NYC alone, etc...which I did enjoyed to be alone for certain things. However, when you went to bed alone and know you would still be alone in the morning; when you saw amazing sunset and felt happy but know you wouldn't be able to share the moment with anyone; those moments made alone upgrade to loneliness. I was truly depressed sometimes and thought that kind of life would never end. There was time that I couldn't sleep at night. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but there was too much feelings filled up my mind. All those regrets, hates, angers and sadness were like the ghosts of hunted house that flowed in the dark empty spaces and crashed into the walls, windows, doors and people's hearts. To make things worse, I didn't want to talk about my problems to others. (well, I still don't want to. It's just me.) I don't like to be sorry for, laughed about, and judged of. So I had to hold in everything which was my choice and it is the way I am. Things are getting much better now. I am happy about it and cherish every little things that made me happy or showed me the first twilight of the dawn.

Well....I don't know why I am writing those things. LOL. Maybe it is good that I am writing them down that make this post as the first post of my improved happier life. Things still could be better, but I know it won't happen over night. Time is all I need, well, hard work too.

To Mr.B: when I said I was happy to know you, to be with you, and to have you in my life; I meant every words that I said.