A day break

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I didn't go to work today. Didn't feel like to.

A lot of people say that Pieces are not clear about what they want in life. They seem to be always living in a fog. Maybe it is true even I don't want to believe in it. I don't want to live my life in a fog, but sometimes I am not sure what I am doing or what I am doing is right or wrong.

It seems like everyone else's life is moving fast, colorful, fulfilled, exciting and moving toward to their dream, but not mine. No matter how I feel that I have tried hard. Maybe my life just need time, moving a step by step.

Life is very easy to be discouraged. I always have a image of myself that I want to see, but in the real life, I often feel that I am not who I really am and I am not what I want to become either.

Maybe I am just doing the wrong things in my life, or , maybe I am just not trying hard enough, or, maybe I just need to be more patient.

Manage my life

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It has been 3 weeks since I found out Toshi has been using Facebook. I was very upset to know that he is on it and also his wife is on it. For what he did to me, I don't think he is worth to have what he is having now. A dignified job, a lovely wife, a unborn child, and the respect from others. I was very upset to know that he is happy and living well. He doesn't deserve all that.

I was upset for a few days. I couldn't help but check on his Facebook all most everyday and went on to his wife's blog and read all their life time stories. Read about they got married, honeymoon trip to France, daily life, then expecting a baby at September. I wanted to know what is going on in their life.

Masa said to me once that he think I would go back to Toshi if he comes back to my life. Maybe Masa was insecure about the relationship with me, maybe he was just simply telling the truth. But, I remember I thought for a minute and said to he:"No. I wouldn't." I wouldn't. I still wouldn't, and never would. But why I still care about what is going on in his life? Once you loved a person so much that you could die for and you gave everything to, then be cheated on by that person. You have every rights to HATE that person.

Yes. I HATE HIM. I don't want to see him happy, enjoy life and have even a little bit of happiness. But the truth is that he is happy. His wife looks like a nice person, knows what she is doing, and have a good life. I wish her the best. And, I thought about myself. Thought about how my life has been. I am a lovable person, and always have been. But I didn't know what I want in my life. I lived for others.

I am happy that the relationship with Toshi is far done, also the relationship with Masa. I loved them so very much that God knows that. But they are not the one for me. They were just lessons in my life. I learned few things, like: Never change yourself for others, never be who he wants you to be, never give too much to him, never spend too much money on him, never lost yourself for him and after all, never give up your own life for him.

I am a better, smarter person. Thanks to the lessons. I will proof to them that I am a great, smart woman that they wish they could have.

In my eyes

It is funny.

As soon as I typed "I" on the page, I couldn't help but notices the next thing which I was going to write is "don't like myself". Then, I stopped. This is how many times that I compliance about myself? How many times? I can't even remember.

What do I not like about myself? Um...so many things. Let's write them all out.

1. I don't feel young.
2. I don't feel beautiful.
3. I don't think I am beautiful.
4. I don't like my life.
5. I don't like my job.
6. I don't like people that I work with.
7. I don't have enough money.
8. I don't think I am smart enough.
9. I don't love others.