Something to scared of

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It seems like I come here when I am scared. Everyone gets scared, right? I don't want to share my fear with anyone. The idea of sharing is as scare as the scare.

I have to let Rabbit know. He might not think it is a big deal, or he might be as worried as I am.

It is not a good feeling.

When I get scared, I normally just want to hide in the home. That's how I feel now.

It is soon to face the fear....I have to, there is no way out.

How a stupid mistake that I made when I was young can come back so strong.

Please, God, please help me.

I learned from the past, and there is second chance, right?

Life in front

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Ok. I got the ring. I am going to get married if there is nothing wrong. And, I am nervous.

It suppose to be happy to get marry, to be relaxed and enjoyed. How come I don't feel that? I feel there are so many things that I have to deal, to handle, to solve, to plan......

I don't mind to be a strong and independent woman. But, sometimes I wish there is a stronger man who can take care of me. My prince charming isn't here. He might be always sleep in my dream.

Yeah. I am actually stressed out.

A MOTHER’S LOVE

Racheal walked in the room quietly, and she said hi to me in a small voice. I couldn’t ignore her eyes were red. I turned back to her while she walked to her desk: “Racheal, did you cry again?” She looked at me, and I could see she was tearing up again.

Racheal is from Vietnam, and I think she has been in US for more than 20 years. We talked a little bit at work,but I didn’t have to ask questions about her family since she is willing to tell everyone about her son. She loves her son, who is a 25 years old marine in training, also a dad of 2 years old daughter.  Racheal loves her son so much that she is very sad that her son is in Marine and has to be away from home.

“Don’t cry, Racheal. It is ok.”I tried to comfort her as a daughter who has been away from home for 13 years:”Where did he go?” Racheal tried not to cry out loud:”He was at South Carolina and now he is going to Virginia.” “Oh, come on. Racheal. He is just in Virginia. Still in America. You can go to see him anytime you want to.” I said back to her in a loud voice with a little bit disappointment. Racheal said in a small voice back:” Yeah… I know.”

I thought Racheal was making a scene because for me that she could go see her son so easy and her son is just 4 hours flight away. As for me that I couldn’t see my mom so easy and Racheal’s reaction was like a joke. I said to her:” You can see your son so easy. My mom is in China. What do you think how my mom feels?” Then, it hit me. The first time in 13 years, I realized that I never really thought how my mom feels about I am being so far away.

I couldn’t help but thought if Racheal was crying because her son was 4 states away from her, then how many time had my mom cried all those years because of missing me? A sour feeling pushed up to my throat and I pushed the feeling down so my eyes wouldn’t tear up. I had cried because of missing my mom many times, but this was first time that I wanted to cry because I felt how she felt of missing her child through Racheal. First time of 13 years that I admire my mom because I know she was so brave that she let her only child go away from her for the child’s good. I don’t know how that feels to be a mom who has to let a child go, but I had let loved ones go and I know it isn’t anything near to a fine feeling.

For a long time, my mom is so ordinary for me. She isn’t wise like my dad; self-confident as my aunt or pretty as my aunt-in-law. She is just a good mom for me who spoils me, loyal to my dad, take care of my both side of grandparents. Nothing more than that. Maybe I am getting older, I first time see my mom as this great woman who is so brave.

Is this the greatest love ever? Raising and loving her child unconditional, trusting and supporting  her child 100%, let her child go and let her child to be who she wants to be. I have so many friends whose parents never allow them to move away from home, never allow them to date different race, or never allow them even choose a life of their own. My parents let me to do all those things. I think this is the greatest love ever. Not only my mom, but my dad too. He misses me as much as my mom and maybe even more.

I am just so grateful that I have parents like them. They are the best thing that ever happen to me. I am just so grateful. Hope Racheal will see her son soon, and same wish goes to my parents.

SINGLE STEP

After the hard works on Sunday with Bobby and Brian, we moved everything from my old apt 22 to the new apt 45 at once. We didn’t have to make 2 trips and were able to get a lot of done. I am very happy about that, and appreciated for their help. They were great!

Brian’s place is great. I have to say it is the biggest place that I have had lived so far after I came to US. I used to always live in a dorm room or a single room in a house, and I felt pretty lucky when I moved in my last apt, a small studio, thought it was big for myself. Now, I moved in this 3 floors townhouse with 2 bed rooms, 1 and half bathroom, kitchen with dinning room, washer and dyer, and I am happy that I am sitting on a sofa in the living room.

And, Brian has been so helpful. He tried to cleaning up, organizing and reorganizing his stuff for my arrive. It was a very different experience to walk in his place. This is also the first time that I move into a MAN’s place, so I have to say here is a man’s place.:-) Not in a bad way. I asked Brian if I can put my girlish elements into the place, he agreed without thinking. How great is that!! I understand that I can’t get all my girlish elements in here, pink rose bed sheet is not accepted.

I am glad that we moved in together. I have always been a girl because I never really lived with a man. I could keep being as girly as I could. I am sure it was same for Brian too. He could keep being as boyish as he wanted. But now, we have to “grow up”. I need to put my pink rose bed sheet aways, and he needs to put his action figures away.

Back to 2007, I bought the door sign for my apt. “The Journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step—Lao Tsu”. Yes. It is a very famous Chinese saying from thousands years ago 『千里之途，始于足下』.When I was lost back that time, I told myself that I should just take my time, regain myself, don’t mess things up again and make steady solid step once at a time. When I saw that door sign at Target , I know I have to get it as a reminder for myself everyday when I walk into to recover myself and walk out to battle the world.

I took the sign with me to this new place, and I will hang it on the door again (if Brian doesn’t mind or the Condo management allows it). I will always keep it in mind “The Journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step”. No running, no flying, take one step at a time. One steady, solid step at a time for a steady, solid future.

20 boxes and more to go

While i was packing up my stuff tonight, I couldn't help but to feel kind of weird. I felt like i just moved in not long ago, and I couldn't believe that I am going to move out from here soon.

It's a good thing to move out from here. It means something to me. 

Here was suppose to be a transform resting place. A place that I needed to have during my life's transformation. I needed this place to go though things, go though past, go though myself. 

I am looking forward to the new place. Every time when I move to somewhere new, it means my life changes at that point. Something happened that I had to move or need to. I am exciting for it. 

4 years past that fast? I really couldn't believe that. 

This place was my home, my shelter, the temple of my sprite; I thought though my life, fought with my past, so many sleepless night, cry and confusions. But, I did it. I learned, grew, understood, and become stronger and happier. I lost important things and people 4 years ago and during this 4 years, but now, after the 4 years I have so many more things and someone who is important. 

I didn't give up, didn't back up. Just believe in life, in myself, and take a step at one time. 

It's time to move on. I will miss here, but won't miss here too much.

Doubt

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I try to tell myself that everyone has doubt about themselves and the life. I guess I try to make myself feel better.

I saw Risa's Facebook. She looks like is living in her dream. Great job, look beautiful, happy, and have fun. I look at Shanshan Wang. She is dressing up everyday in expensive clothes, look in her best in all those years, with parents by her side. I look at Sherry. Having good time with her life, have whatever she wants to have.

I look at my life....

It is scary to make any mistake. I am worried, for many things. It's no one's fault but mine. If I had clear mind, know what I need, listened to my parents, did the right things, followed the right path.....I wouldn't be at this sad place now. I wouldn't even look old now, I would still look young, beautiful, with simply and pure mind.

Will I ever be alright? Will my life ever be alright? Am I fall in the bottom yet? I worried. A lot.

A day break

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I didn't go to work today. Didn't feel like to.

A lot of people say that Pieces are not clear about what they want in life. They seem to be always living in a fog. Maybe it is true even I don't want to believe in it. I don't want to live my life in a fog, but sometimes I am not sure what I am doing or what I am doing is right or wrong.

It seems like everyone else's life is moving fast, colorful, fulfilled, exciting and moving toward to their dream, but not mine. No matter how I feel that I have tried hard. Maybe my life just need time, moving a step by step.

Life is very easy to be discouraged. I always have a image of myself that I want to see, but in the real life, I often feel that I am not who I really am and I am not what I want to become either.

Maybe I am just doing the wrong things in my life, or , maybe I am just not trying hard enough, or, maybe I just need to be more patient.

Manage my life

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It has been 3 weeks since I found out Toshi has been using Facebook. I was very upset to know that he is on it and also his wife is on it. For what he did to me, I don't think he is worth to have what he is having now. A dignified job, a lovely wife, a unborn child, and the respect from others. I was very upset to know that he is happy and living well. He doesn't deserve all that.

I was upset for a few days. I couldn't help but check on his Facebook all most everyday and went on to his wife's blog and read all their life time stories. Read about they got married, honeymoon trip to France, daily life, then expecting a baby at September. I wanted to know what is going on in their life.

Masa said to me once that he think I would go back to Toshi if he comes back to my life. Maybe Masa was insecure about the relationship with me, maybe he was just simply telling the truth. But, I remember I thought for a minute and said to he:"No. I wouldn't." I wouldn't. I still wouldn't, and never would. But why I still care about what is going on in his life? Once you loved a person so much that you could die for and you gave everything to, then be cheated on by that person. You have every rights to HATE that person.

Yes. I HATE HIM. I don't want to see him happy, enjoy life and have even a little bit of happiness. But the truth is that he is happy. His wife looks like a nice person, knows what she is doing, and have a good life. I wish her the best. And, I thought about myself. Thought about how my life has been. I am a lovable person, and always have been. But I didn't know what I want in my life. I lived for others.

I am happy that the relationship with Toshi is far done, also the relationship with Masa. I loved them so very much that God knows that. But they are not the one for me. They were just lessons in my life. I learned few things, like: Never change yourself for others, never be who he wants you to be, never give too much to him, never spend too much money on him, never lost yourself for him and after all, never give up your own life for him.

I am a better, smarter person. Thanks to the lessons. I will proof to them that I am a great, smart woman that they wish they could have.

In my eyes

It is funny.

As soon as I typed "I" on the page, I couldn't help but notices the next thing which I was going to write is "don't like myself". Then, I stopped. This is how many times that I compliance about myself? How many times? I can't even remember.

What do I not like about myself? Um...so many things. Let's write them all out.

1. I don't feel young.
2. I don't feel beautiful.
3. I don't think I am beautiful.
4. I don't like my life.
5. I don't like my job.
6. I don't like people that I work with.
7. I don't have enough money.
8. I don't think I am smart enough.
9. I don't love others.