A part of aging

Angelababy

I was bored at work on Sunday, and was playing with my laptop. Something pop into my eyes which I normally wouldn't be interesting in. A online video of a very cute Asian girl whose name is Anglerbaby. I like to look at beautiful girls, and she surely looks so beautiful from that small video icon. I checked it, and there she was, speaking in Chinese in front of press and telling them that she is 100% nature beauty who never had plastic sugary. "She is cute. Who is she?" I thought to myself then goggled her.

She is even more beautiful in bigger pictures. I was in love with her beauty in a short second. How come someone could be that beautiful. I read her information and know she is 1/4 of German, well, that always explains something, she is mixed. As we all know the mixed children are much better looking in most of case. She is 21 years old, and work as a model with major Japanese beauty magazines. OK. Now I am really envy her. I keep thinking how come there are so many beautiful girls out there now? I looked her and feel that I am ugly. I know I am not ugly but if she could make me feel this way, how about those people who aren't good looking at all feel? I looked my face in the mirror and tried to smile, opened my eyes big, and took couple pictures. And, I looked so weird with a stone alike smile and un-nature eyes. The bags underneath my eyes were huge, wrinkles from the end of my eyes were long and noticeable, my eyes looked small because the upper eyelids started to drop, same as my face. I looked......looked like I am 30~~!!

I finally realized that I am 30. This is how I look now. I am getting old. I am not 21, or 25, or 27 anymore. The mother of nature hit my head. And I couldn't just ignore the fact that I am not as good looking as before or as I thought I was. I compared the younger self with Angelababy and I do think she is still more beautiful than me, but I felt I was close to her level. I didn't even wear any make-ups. As I page through Angelababy's model pictures and life pictures, I couldn't not notice that I waste a lot of time just being easy and comfortable. So many clothes and shoes that I have, so many make-ups and hair stuff that I have, but I didn't bother use any of them often. I let myself go pretty easy. I have been very comfortable with my looks for long time. A lot of people gave me compliments for being nature without make-up. And I do believe that I was good looking without make-up. That made me think I don't need make-up to be beautiful 'cause I am beautiful the way I am. Maybe it is also true. But age doesn't agree with my outside looks. I always like to be that kind of lady who doesn't have to try hard. But now, I feel I need to try at least a little bit. I even start to doubt that if I ever have being beautiful or not. Like a high school nightmare all come true again.

When I was 23.

I put some make-up on, tried to make my hair look good, picked a cute outfit from my dressing room. I feel better. I took some more pictures of myself just to see the result of it, and the pictures didn't come out as good as I hope for. Then, I told myself it's the camera's fault. I looked at the mirror again, smile to it, then I told myself "you are still a beautiful lady".

I won't be getting younger, and I know it is silly to compare myself to someone who is 9 years younger than me. And I also tried to tell myself to have own beauty which fit with my own age. We all tried to tell ourselves that, and we all still couldn't not feel the disappointment of getting older. It is not scare of getting older but getting uglier. Maybe it is the time for me to renew myself to a new beauty. A little bit more make-up and more well dressed than before. I would love to have all those high quality clothes, shoes, bags, but I can't afford them. I tried to tell myself that a cheap outfit still can be well dressed if you dress them in a right way. I hope I am not laying to myself and I want to understand the essence of beauty.

Younger girls are coming out of their shell every day, and me as a 30 years old woman trapped between the young and old. I am not young anymore but not yet old. Trying to find a new me. It's a part of aging and I am sure I will face it again when I turn 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90 or even 100. I remember someone said "Well dressed woman, well dressed mind". Maybe I should just use that as my motto for my 30s and future.

I am not a girl anymore. I am a woman, a lady.