30s thinking

Well. It is not the first time I have thought about marriage. It seems to be a regular thing to think about after 26. It didn't really bother me that much. I always want to marry with someone that I truly in love with, and that person should truly in love with me too. I never really felt I might have any kind of possibility of not getting married. I always felt it is just matter of time.

Then, one friend got marry, two friends got marry, three friends got marry, and out of nowhere everyone is married and having a baby. I had a period of time that could not take it. I didn't want to hear anyone is marrying or having a baby. It's like a final truth hit me. Am I gonna be like this, alone, even not single, but not married, forever?

It's not the end of the world when all your friends are married and having babies. But it is end of the world when all your ex-boyfriends are married and having babies, and included the ones who never make or willing to make a commitment with you. At that point, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself:" What is wrong with you?"

Chinese people likes to say "fate" and like to blame everything on the "fate". We keep our hopes on fate and give up our hopes on fate too. Is there really something called fate? Is your plum lines really tell you when you gonna die? Is your horoscope really tells you that you will meet your true love tomorrow? Is the crystal ball really trying to make you less worried and have a future plan? Who or what should I trust? Is following my heart really works? or "let the time to decided" really worth of waiting?

Real life is not a novel or movie. It's not even a dream which could come true, sometimes. I asked the higher power "is there anything wrong with me", and I didn't hear answer from him, and I asked myself the same question, that I didn't hear any answer back either. I don't know. I don't know if this is fate or is time, or just simply me.

I am nervous. I sometimes ask myself that what is Mr.Rabbit
waiting for? The timing? Is he still not ready yet? Am I still being tested? I don't want to rush him or push him because I want him to want to marry me, not marry me because I asked for. Then, I asked myself, what if he never ask you? Life is so many "what if"s. And all those "What if" drives people worry.

I hope Mr.Rabbit knows that I am ready, and I am waiting, and so as many people. My family, friends, customers, maybe even his friends and family. I think it is about time. It is about time for both of us to grown up as really regular adults. I hope he knows, oh GOD, I hope he knows.