Over the fear

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Miss.S and I had fight last night. I think it was my fault. I was kind of mean and said something that I shouldn't had to say. Of cause, Miss.S was pissed off. I felt bad afterwards 'cause I know even her way of talking made me mad but I think I should trust her more as a friend. I shouldn't have doubt about her personality 'cause she is my best friend. I should have trust her, stand by her side. Why I didn't? Then, I thought about how i treaded Lady M, so mean too. And, then I wonder why I don't have a lot of girl friends?

I spent whole morning think about what happened to me. Have I always being like this? Am I always being cold and mean to others? Why I am doing this? What makes me do it? What is deeply inside of me that I might not notice which make me do such a thing?

I talked with Miss.S. She agrees with me and said she always know the part of me that I don't look at other's good points but always look at other's bad points instead. I do that a lot. I always doubt about people's intension, and always thinks that others might hurt me. I think somehow I protect myself overly. Just at the moment that I was thinking something like that, Mr.B send a text massage to me and told me he was at Hibachi. The first thing came up in my mind was "why is he at Hibachi for lunch time? Why he need to have lunch at Hibachi? Is that some kind of lunch date with some girls?" Then, I noticed I was thinking so negatively about the thing. Why not? Why not he can't have lunch at Hibachi? It could be the weekly lunch thing that they do; it could be some co-workers just want to go for it for lunch. Why I have to think that as a bad thing first. I AM LIVING IN FEAR.

That was the reason that I could think about. I am in fear of everything. To protect myself, I choose to hurt others first. To not be hurt by others, I choose to be cold to them so they could fear or dislike or stay away from me. I am, after all, just a coward.

I need to know how to over come the fear. I know I am weak, and I admire Miss.S that she can stand up for herself every time, but I couldn't. It might seems like Miss.S is crazy, wild, rule, or even stupid sometimes and I might seems to be clam, mannered, wise or mature, but I don't know which way is better now. Miss.S is much braver than I am, and I think she can get mostly what she wants than me. I have to learn how to stand up for myself, not just stand back.

It is a hard thing to over the fear. To learn the trust on others. But I know it is better for me and my friends to do so. Before, I always say that I want to be a clam, smart, mature woman, yes, I still want to be all of that, but now I have to add one more. I want to be a clam, smart, mature and brave woman. A woman who isn't just accept the fact but also fight back to the fate.

For everything, for everyone, to be a better woman. And the first step will be TO BE OVER THE FEAR.