The Chinese lady of M&M Farm

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Mr.B is gonna stay over at my place for a night and a day because of the snow. I was happy to know that and went to shopping for some food. Mr.B loves food. I don't want him to be hungry at my place. I want to fit him, and make him happy.

There are couple places that I go for food. Stop&Shop, The whole foods and M&M farm. Stop&Shop has most basic stuff that I need, like milk, egg, meat, pasta....The whole foods has food which are suppose to be better and healthier, also be unique which I found that out. M&M farm has cheapest vegetables and fruits. It also has an small Asian market inside of it. It has been there for around 5 years. I remember the earlier days when it just open.

The owner seems to be this middle age Chinese lady. I think she has a teenager daughter. I don't go to M&M farm so often because it is a little bit far from my place, but I wanted some Chinese sweet sauce for one dish that I planned to make, I went to there. I found what I was looking for in a short time and went to pay for it. When the Chinese lady came over to take my money, I was surprised. She looked so old. She must didn't remember me anymore which isn't important. I was socked by her white hairs. I am sure that she is no more than 50, but she looked like in her late 50s. She didn't smile to me, gave me the changes very fast, then back to do what she was doing.

I kept thinking that how hard her life has been? How stressful she has been? Life isn't easy for everyone that I knew already, but it was still a sock to looked at someone aged that fast. Just in a short 5 years. I remember her smile to me and tell me about her daughter in Chinese. I remember she smiled to everyone who come to buy things. I don't know what happened to her, but it must be life, must be stress that aged her that fast.

Life isn't easy. That is the truth. Money can make life easier, but it isn't everything. I remembered my dear friends Miss.S. She aged fast too, all those stress that she had. Do I have stress? Yes, I do think I have. I try not let the stress over take me. I keep telling myself that there will be a way to solve everything. There will be an end for everything, good thing or bad thing.

Once more I realized how important it is to have a health mind. The life isn't nice or fair or easy. The people def isn't nice or fair or easy either. All you have to do is be happy. Don't let your angry over take you, don't let your desire over take you, don't let all the failures over take you.

My father is a very wiser man. He taught me so much about life. He use to said to me:" when a thing reaches its extreme, it reverses its course." Never ask too much from others, never give too much to others. Life is a not fair to everyone, but it's equal to yourself. How you want life to treat you is how you treat yourself.

I just feel life is too hard sometimes. That it is sad to see people have hard time. I just wish everyone who is having hard time will have their own happiness. Hope the Chinese lady can put her smile back on her face soon.

Hope myself can find my own happiness too.

The Chinese new year is coming. That will be my wish for myself. Also, I want to wish my grandparents, my parents, Miss.S and Mr.B the best for their own happiness and health.

Love you all.

The single ladies of Superbowl Sunday

Superbowl Sunday. A day which gives man a reason to eat, to drink, to yell, to be ruled, to be a boy, to drop off whoever they pretend to be in their normal life and to be who they really want to be. It's a man's holiday. Well, I think most of men deserve a day like that. I do want to believe that most men work hard and try to be a good person, husband, son, dad, friend and co-workers. They deserve a day to being a boy and being who they naturally are. So as Superbowl Sunday as the man's holiday, woman has to share her part in it. So she will be busy with cooking, cleaning and preparing for or with the man. That's how I thought we might not be busy at work on Superbowl Sunday. Oh, boy. Am I wrong.

The morning was slow, as a normal Sunday morning. Ladies started to coming in after lunch. And, I mean all the single ladies. Yeah, single ladies. They either come alone or with couple friends, with or without Starbucks. I looked at each of them and thought they have no party to go to. I was one of them last Superbowl but I was working anyway, I didn't feel sorry for myself, and I am sure none of those single ladies felt like that either. But somehow, I felt sorry for them this year. Maybe it's because I had somewhere to go this year. Well, being a single person is fine. I still think like that. I don't think there is anything wrong with being single. However, I do think if you are being single without a choice, you should not keep being sad.

The last lady came in was a large size, unhappy person. She looked angry even when she enjoy read a book. Well, maybe she wasn't enjoy that book. That made me think a little bit. Thought about how your face emotion shows your inner feelings. That lady looked so unhappy and ugly. Angry face is a ugly face. I kept guessing what might happen to her. She had no ring on her ring finger and she looked in her 40s. So maybe she just came out from a unhappy marriage. I know it is hard to do than say, but I think we should cheer ourselves up when we know there isn't chance to change things. I don't want to be a unhappy person who is sorry for by others. I don't want to be a ugly lady who looks 10 years older than her real age. I don't want to be a single lady who feel the world is over without her man. Well, I did feel that once before. And I know it isn't a sweet feeling. It's always hard to live happily because no matter how wonderful your life looks from outside, there isn't something called perfect. There will always be problems, issues, troubles and puzzles. It's called life.

I used to be easy troubled by life, and get deeply inside of depression and unhappy about myself and my life. I use to cry a lot at night, alone in my bed. Then, just out of blue. I thought to myself that who is gonna to care even if I cry my eyes out? Who will be there? Who cares? The people who hurt me? or the people I hurt to? No one~!! No one is there to care you and you know that, what you gonna do next? Keep crying? That's not a good idea. I gave up beating myself up at that point.

What all I want to say is that don't let other beat you up and don't let yourself beat you up~~!!! You might be the single lady who gets alone at Superbowl Sunday this year, but you never know what gonna happy next year. Always keep hope in your heart and smile on your face.

The stage 2

I think I am at stage 2 now. I don't know actually how many stages are there and I don't even know if there are stages or not. But Just for me, I thought there might be some kind of stages for relationship. So what is stage 2 then? It's the time that you are comfortable with the person enough to show the side of you that you don't show to strangers or co-workers or some friends. And also it's the time that you start to know how the person acts in front of friends and family, then you start to know if you fit in that group or not, and try to fit in it.

I don't like stage 2. I never really liked stage 2. It's hard for me to build trust between anyone. When I don't trust someone, it is very hard for me to acting normal. It might be normal, but it reminded me the time when I tried to fit into the Japanese group. I never wanted to go to those parties and never wanted to know other people. I guess my comfort zone is very small, or I am just worry too much. Maybe I look fine for other people, but I actually worry about a lot of things inside of my mind. Every every little thing will make me think. What if? What if? What if? then, what should I do? How should I act? What should I say? It's not about communications, I have no problem with that. It's about what if there are facts that I don't accept or I can't deal with it. When that kind of time come, what should I do?

I love having a boyfriend, being a relationship, and have someone to touch and be touched. But the worries, and the hard works are making me tired sometimes. I had a lot of drama in my early 20s to middle 20s. I am already tired of those things, and don't want to be in one. I just wish for a normal life, normal normal normal life. No drama, no surprises, no hidden secrets. Just a normal life. If I remember right, a normal life is what I always want to have. I still wish for that after all those years? I am too tired for all those things. If, I mean if something happened, I will choose to be alone. I need love, want to have love, want to be married and have children. But I know marriage isn't everything. If that's what relationship will bring with, I will choose no relationship. I want a simple normal life. Just like a warm Monday afternoon of May, not a hot Saturday night of July.

I really hope Mr.B has nothing above. I really hope we can work things out. As I always said, I have my fingers crossed. 'Cause you just never know, you just never know.  

A message from the past

It was socking.

When I read what he wrote, I was socked. First, I was socked to realize that is him. Second, I was socked when I jump read what he wrote. Then, I was socked when I read it one more time.

I didn't realize that is how he feels about the past still. It has been 6 years now. He still blames me and angry at me for the breakup. And, he still wanted to let me know that. I don't know what to say to that expect I am sorry for the past. I am sorry for what I did. I did apologize to him at least once before, either by phone or email. I know I was cruel to cut off relationship fast, but I think it was the best way to do it. I never told him what was happening in my life after we breakup, but I heard a lot of what was happening to him from him. He didn't have good years, didn't have good relationships, and felt like he wasn't happy about what he was doing. I am sorry that was what happening to him, but I don't want to think it is my fault to cost that. He didn't know, he didn't know I didn't have good years, didn't have good relationships, and wasn't happy about what I was doing. I had my heart broke too, into small pieces that I don't think I ever recovered from it yet. Do I hate that guy? Yes, I do. Am I angry at that guy? Yes, I am. But I won't show all my hates or angers to that guy because it is pointless. I want to be happy, I want to be healed from the broken heart, and the only way to do it is not reminding myself of that past. There are somethings and someones that you never forget. For everyone. You know you won't be able to forget, but you can choose to not remember.

I just want to let him know that I do truly wish him to be happy and find someone who is better than me, live a life which will make me regret of leaving him, and have his own happiness. We all hurt someone and got hurt by someone in our life. The important thing is to learn from the past and move on with life. Past will keep you in the past, but the future and the time won't stop for you.

I am not cruel person. I am just a person who want to be happy and have my happiness.

子夜（zi-ye): The darkest time of the night

Mr.B said to me:" Don't be afraid of what gonna happen in the future and stop your life because of that." I said back:" No, I didn't stop my life because of that." "But you stopped writing." Mr.B said. I couldn't agree more.

So here I am again. Start to writing on this beloved blog of mine once again.

I love new things, love to try new things. It's hard for me to keep writing on the same blog. But this one is a keeper. I just simply love it. I have to say that my life was more fun and exciting couple years ago that I could write something new and "foolish" fun everyday. I could write and share my love, my happiness, my anger and my deepest depressions with everyone. I was just a simple happy girl who lived in her own world. I didn't care and didn't have much to care.

When things went down hill at 2007. I stopped almost everything I did enjoy to do. There was great things, more important or should I call argent things for me to do. The princess of her own happiness hit by the reality. Wow. That was fun. I think I quieted down a  lot. For the first time of my life that I was alone. I mean I had always felt lonely when I was young, but I had never been alone. You woke up alone in the morning, spent most of the day talk to no one, eat alone, go shopping alone, go to movie alone, go to NYC alone, etc...which I did enjoyed to be alone for certain things. However, when you went to bed alone and know you would still be alone in the morning; when you saw amazing sunset and felt happy but know you wouldn't be able to share the moment with anyone; those moments made alone upgrade to loneliness. I was truly depressed sometimes and thought that kind of life would never end. There was time that I couldn't sleep at night. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but there was too much feelings filled up my mind. All those regrets, hates, angers and sadness were like the ghosts of hunted house that flowed in the dark empty spaces and crashed into the walls, windows, doors and people's hearts. To make things worse, I didn't want to talk about my problems to others. (well, I still don't want to. It's just me.) I don't like to be sorry for, laughed about, and judged of. So I had to hold in everything which was my choice and it is the way I am. Things are getting much better now. I am happy about it and cherish every little things that made me happy or showed me the first twilight of the dawn.

Well....I don't know why I am writing those things. LOL. Maybe it is good that I am writing them down that make this post as the first post of my improved happier life. Things still could be better, but I know it won't happen over night. Time is all I need, well, hard work too.

To Mr.B: when I said I was happy to know you, to be with you, and to have you in my life; I meant every words that I said.