I think I am at stage 2 now. I don't know actually how many stages are there and I don't even know if there are stages or not. But Just for me, I thought there might be some kind of stages for relationship. So what is stage 2 then? It's the time that you are comfortable with the person enough to show the side of you that you don't show to strangers or co-workers or some friends. And also it's the time that you start to know how the person acts in front of friends and family, then you start to know if you fit in that group or not, and try to fit in it.
I don't like stage 2. I never really liked stage 2. It's hard for me to build trust between anyone. When I don't trust someone, it is very hard for me to acting normal. It might be normal, but it reminded me the time when I tried to fit into the Japanese group. I never wanted to go to those parties and never wanted to know other people. I guess my comfort zone is very small, or I am just worry too much. Maybe I look fine for other people, but I actually worry about a lot of things inside of my mind. Every every little thing will make me think. What if? What if? What if? then, what should I do? How should I act? What should I say? It's not about communications, I have no problem with that. It's about what if there are facts that I don't accept or I can't deal with it. When that kind of time come, what should I do?
I love having a boyfriend, being a relationship, and have someone to touch and be touched. But the worries, and the hard works are making me tired sometimes. I had a lot of drama in my early 20s to middle 20s. I am already tired of those things, and don't want to be in one. I just wish for a normal life, normal normal normal life. No drama, no surprises, no hidden secrets. Just a normal life. If I remember right, a normal life is what I always want to have. I still wish for that after all those years? I am too tired for all those things. If, I mean if something happened, I will choose to be alone. I need love, want to have love, want to be married and have children. But I know marriage isn't everything. If that's what relationship will bring with, I will choose no relationship. I want a simple normal life. Just like a warm Monday afternoon of May, not a hot Saturday night of July.
I really hope Mr.B has nothing above. I really hope we can work things out. As I always said, I have my fingers crossed. 'Cause you just never know, you just never know.
2/08/2010
2/05/2010
A message from the past
It was socking.
When I read what he wrote, I was socked. First, I was socked to realize that is him. Second, I was socked when I jump read what he wrote. Then, I was socked when I read it one more time.
I didn't realize that is how he feels about the past still. It has been 6 years now. He still blames me and angry at me for the breakup. And, he still wanted to let me know that. I don't know what to say to that expect I am sorry for the past. I am sorry for what I did. I did apologize to him at least once before, either by phone or email. I know I was cruel to cut off relationship fast, but I think it was the best way to do it. I never told him what was happening in my life after we breakup, but I heard a lot of what was happening to him from him. He didn't have good years, didn't have good relationships, and felt like he wasn't happy about what he was doing. I am sorry that was what happening to him, but I don't want to think it is my fault to cost that. He didn't know, he didn't know I didn't have good years, didn't have good relationships, and wasn't happy about what I was doing. I had my heart broke too, into small pieces that I don't think I ever recovered from it yet. Do I hate that guy? Yes, I do. Am I angry at that guy? Yes, I am. But I won't show all my hates or angers to that guy because it is pointless. I want to be happy, I want to be healed from the broken heart, and the only way to do it is not reminding myself of that past. There are somethings and someones that you never forget. For everyone. You know you won't be able to forget, but you can choose to not remember.
I just want to let him know that I do truly wish him to be happy and find someone who is better than me, live a life which will make me regret of leaving him, and have his own happiness. We all hurt someone and got hurt by someone in our life. The important thing is to learn from the past and move on with life. Past will keep you in the past, but the future and the time won't stop for you.
I am not cruel person. I am just a person who want to be happy and have my happiness.
When I read what he wrote, I was socked. First, I was socked to realize that is him. Second, I was socked when I jump read what he wrote. Then, I was socked when I read it one more time.
I didn't realize that is how he feels about the past still. It has been 6 years now. He still blames me and angry at me for the breakup. And, he still wanted to let me know that. I don't know what to say to that expect I am sorry for the past. I am sorry for what I did. I did apologize to him at least once before, either by phone or email. I know I was cruel to cut off relationship fast, but I think it was the best way to do it. I never told him what was happening in my life after we breakup, but I heard a lot of what was happening to him from him. He didn't have good years, didn't have good relationships, and felt like he wasn't happy about what he was doing. I am sorry that was what happening to him, but I don't want to think it is my fault to cost that. He didn't know, he didn't know I didn't have good years, didn't have good relationships, and wasn't happy about what I was doing. I had my heart broke too, into small pieces that I don't think I ever recovered from it yet. Do I hate that guy? Yes, I do. Am I angry at that guy? Yes, I am. But I won't show all my hates or angers to that guy because it is pointless. I want to be happy, I want to be healed from the broken heart, and the only way to do it is not reminding myself of that past. There are somethings and someones that you never forget. For everyone. You know you won't be able to forget, but you can choose to not remember.
I just want to let him know that I do truly wish him to be happy and find someone who is better than me, live a life which will make me regret of leaving him, and have his own happiness. We all hurt someone and got hurt by someone in our life. The important thing is to learn from the past and move on with life. Past will keep you in the past, but the future and the time won't stop for you.
I am not cruel person. I am just a person who want to be happy and have my happiness.
2/04/2010
子夜（zi-ye): The darkest time of the night
Mr.B said to me:" Don't be afraid of what gonna happen in the future and stop your life because of that." I said back:" No, I didn't stop my life because of that." "But you stopped writing." Mr.B said. I couldn't agree more.
So here I am again. Start to writing on this beloved blog of mine once again.
I love new things, love to try new things. It's hard for me to keep writing on the same blog. But this one is a keeper. I just simply love it. I have to say that my life was more fun and exciting couple years ago that I could write something new and "foolish" fun everyday. I could write and share my love, my happiness, my anger and my deepest depressions with everyone. I was just a simple happy girl who lived in her own world. I didn't care and didn't have much to care.
When things went down hill at 2007. I stopped almost everything I did enjoy to do. There was great things, more important or should I call argent things for me to do. The princess of her own happiness hit by the reality. Wow. That was fun. I think I quieted down a lot. For the first time of my life that I was alone. I mean I had always felt lonely when I was young, but I had never been alone. You woke up alone in the morning, spent most of the day talk to no one, eat alone, go shopping alone, go to movie alone, go to NYC alone, etc...which I did enjoyed to be alone for certain things. However, when you went to bed alone and know you would still be alone in the morning; when you saw amazing sunset and felt happy but know you wouldn't be able to share the moment with anyone; those moments made alone upgrade to loneliness. I was truly depressed sometimes and thought that kind of life would never end. There was time that I couldn't sleep at night. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but there was too much feelings filled up my mind. All those regrets, hates, angers and sadness were like the ghosts of hunted house that flowed in the dark empty spaces and crashed into the walls, windows, doors and people's hearts. To make things worse, I didn't want to talk about my problems to others. (well, I still don't want to. It's just me.) I don't like to be sorry for, laughed about, and judged of. So I had to hold in everything which was my choice and it is the way I am. Things are getting much better now. I am happy about it and cherish every little things that made me happy or showed me the first twilight of the dawn.
Well....I don't know why I am writing those things. LOL. Maybe it is good that I am writing them down that make this post as the first post of my improved happier life. Things still could be better, but I know it won't happen over night. Time is all I need, well, hard work too.
To Mr.B: when I said I was happy to know you, to be with you, and to have you in my life; I meant every words that I said.
So here I am again. Start to writing on this beloved blog of mine once again.
I love new things, love to try new things. It's hard for me to keep writing on the same blog. But this one is a keeper. I just simply love it. I have to say that my life was more fun and exciting couple years ago that I could write something new and "foolish" fun everyday. I could write and share my love, my happiness, my anger and my deepest depressions with everyone. I was just a simple happy girl who lived in her own world. I didn't care and didn't have much to care.
When things went down hill at 2007. I stopped almost everything I did enjoy to do. There was great things, more important or should I call argent things for me to do. The princess of her own happiness hit by the reality. Wow. That was fun. I think I quieted down a lot. For the first time of my life that I was alone. I mean I had always felt lonely when I was young, but I had never been alone. You woke up alone in the morning, spent most of the day talk to no one, eat alone, go shopping alone, go to movie alone, go to NYC alone, etc...which I did enjoyed to be alone for certain things. However, when you went to bed alone and know you would still be alone in the morning; when you saw amazing sunset and felt happy but know you wouldn't be able to share the moment with anyone; those moments made alone upgrade to loneliness. I was truly depressed sometimes and thought that kind of life would never end. There was time that I couldn't sleep at night. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but there was too much feelings filled up my mind. All those regrets, hates, angers and sadness were like the ghosts of hunted house that flowed in the dark empty spaces and crashed into the walls, windows, doors and people's hearts. To make things worse, I didn't want to talk about my problems to others. (well, I still don't want to. It's just me.) I don't like to be sorry for, laughed about, and judged of. So I had to hold in everything which was my choice and it is the way I am. Things are getting much better now. I am happy about it and cherish every little things that made me happy or showed me the first twilight of the dawn.
Well....I don't know why I am writing those things. LOL. Maybe it is good that I am writing them down that make this post as the first post of my improved happier life. Things still could be better, but I know it won't happen over night. Time is all I need, well, hard work too.
To Mr.B: when I said I was happy to know you, to be with you, and to have you in my life; I meant every words that I said.
1/23/2010
LOVE
I went to Susan's house to take look at the gfits which she mentioned about last night. There were 2 more ladies there while I was there. Susan invited me to stay for dinner which was Pizza. I did 'cause she insisted. Susan really like to talk about my relationship. She seems to be more exciting than I am. Just like last time, she told on
Sherry was telling me same thing too. She texted me and asked me to admit that I do love Brian. Do I? Am I falling in love with him now? I remember I was telling him that I am holding back a little bit. His voice was kind of sad asked me really. I don't know how to asnwer. Yes, for some part, yes I am holding back. I don't trust him yet. I mean I do like him a lot. But can I trust him enough to give my heart 100 percent to? Can I trust him eought to release my worries to? Can i trust him enough to know that he will be by my side no matter what happen? No. I can't yet. I still need more time to know him, to learn to trust him, and to let him trust me and love me. It's almost 5 months of being together now. I am looking forward to being with him for long time. I do like him. Such a great guy that I think he will make a good husband and father. Then I start to thinking that can I be a good wife and mother? Do I still have the ablitly and power to be good enough? After all those stupid mistakes that I made, can on
I have too many worries that he doesn't knwo about. I can't share with anyone yet 'cause I am afraid. I don't blame anyone for what happened or what is happening now. I know I am the reason for it. I just want myself and GOD to know that I learned my lesson and I am trying and parying the best for my future. I am a good person who got lost for couple years, but now I am back on track. I am a good person. Please let me have the love, let me have the happinese which I wished for.
Sherry was telling me same thing too. She texted me and asked me to admit that I do love Brian. Do I? Am I falling in love with him now? I remember I was telling him that I am holding back a little bit. His voice was kind of sad asked me really. I don't know how to asnwer. Yes, for some part, yes I am holding back. I don't trust him yet. I mean I do like him a lot. But can I trust him enough to give my heart 100 percent to? Can I trust him eought to release my worries to? Can i trust him enough to know that he will be by my side no matter what happen? No. I can't yet. I still need more time to know him, to learn to trust him, and to let him trust me and love me. It's almost 5 months of being together now. I am looking forward to being with him for long time. I do like him. Such a great guy that I think he will make a good husband and father. Then I start to thinking that can I be a good wife and mother? Do I still have the ablitly and power to be good enough? After all those stupid mistakes that I made, can on
I have too many worries that he doesn't knwo about. I can't share with anyone yet 'cause I am afraid. I don't blame anyone for what happened or what is happening now. I know I am the reason for it. I just want myself and GOD to know that I learned my lesson and I am trying and parying the best for my future. I am a good person who got lost for couple years, but now I am back on track. I am a good person. Please let me have the love, let me have the happinese which I wished for.
1/16/2010
01-06-10 Sunny
I am trying to keep my mind out of Mr.B now. I just don't like or want to be like before that think or miss someone all the time. I don't' like the feeling of it. I don't like to be in deep emotion feeling which could lead myself to something painful. Do I still afraid of love, be loved or love someone? I think I still do. I am happy to be with him and to feel loved and share my love too. But I found out I just couldn't say it out loud. Like now I just want to forget about him for a while. Don't care if he tests me or not. I want to be fall in love, but not getting hurts.
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