My 30th Birthday party~~!!

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I wasn't plan to have a party for myself. Just wasn't in the sprite of celebrate my 30th birthday since I felt there is nothing good enough to be celebrated about. However, couple of my customers asked me if I was gonna do anything for my birthday and my answer disappoint them. Lisa said to me:" Why? It's a big birthday, a milestone. You should do something. 30 will be great." Yeah...why not. I thought to myself. The party notice was late. Couple of my friends couldn't make it. Like, Tadayoshi, Tokutada, Jenny, Rachel, Maki, Tom and Andy. But Sherry, Bobby, Linzi, Mr.B, Lori and 4 of Lori's friends did. It was nice. Actually, it was nicer than I thought. I was a little bit worried about Lori and Lori's friends 'cause I don't know them well enough yet. I wanted everyone to have good time. But, they were all great~~!! Very funny and friendly.

I left work 3 hours early, tried to get to Mr.B's place earlier so we could make to Flushing with no hurry. However, it was a heavy windy day. I didn't know the route 15 is a high target of danger. The falling trees. I was only 5 miles away from Mr.B's place, but a huge tree fail down at 20 cars front. That cast huge delay, like 3 hours. LOL. I was worried the whole time of any tree would be blew down by the high wind and fail on my car. Lucky, nothing like that happened. I made to Mr.B's place 3 hour later in one piece.

Dinner is at Little Pepper. The favored Hotpot place that Sherry and I always go to. It was fun dinner time. Lori's friends were exciting to try the real Hotpot, and Bobby was just a happy-go-lucky nice boy with Linzi, Sherry was doing her best to be funny, Mr.B was just enjoying his food. It was so different as last year when Sherry, Jenny, Maki, Tadayoshi, Tokutada, Andy and others went to clubbing. It was more mature, like real 30th party. After dinner, we went to Karaoke called sky blue. I don't sing normally, but when I saw the song BEN by MJ, I just had to do it. Everyone seemed to be having fun. It was good.  Mr.B and I didn't go back to CT that night, we stayed over in a hotel in NYC. It was a really good idea 'cause we were both tired to drive back home.

The next day, the 14th, we worked around in NYC, went to my favored Tonkatsu restaurant for lunch, went to my favored Japanese bookstore Kinokuniya, went to Zara to buy some nice spring shirts, went to have a wonderful foot and body massage done which Mr.B loved it, went to Hizakaya Kenka for dinner and had nice bubble tea on the way home. It was nice. I haven't been to the city with a boyfriend for long time. It was different, but surely fun.

My real birthday is coming up in a day, and Mr.B said we will go to NY again. And, he will take the whole day off for me. I love that. He is the sweetest person. LOL. (Even that doesn't mean he couldn't change later, but I just enjoy now and have my eyes open wild and armor prepared on my side).

Thanks to everyone who came out, and Thanks to Mr.B. Love ya~~!!

Over the fear

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Miss.S and I had fight last night. I think it was my fault. I was kind of mean and said something that I shouldn't had to say. Of cause, Miss.S was pissed off. I felt bad afterwards 'cause I know even her way of talking made me mad but I think I should trust her more as a friend. I shouldn't have doubt about her personality 'cause she is my best friend. I should have trust her, stand by her side. Why I didn't? Then, I thought about how i treaded Lady M, so mean too. And, then I wonder why I don't have a lot of girl friends?

I spent whole morning think about what happened to me. Have I always being like this? Am I always being cold and mean to others? Why I am doing this? What makes me do it? What is deeply inside of me that I might not notice which make me do such a thing?

I talked with Miss.S. She agrees with me and said she always know the part of me that I don't look at other's good points but always look at other's bad points instead. I do that a lot. I always doubt about people's intension, and always thinks that others might hurt me. I think somehow I protect myself overly. Just at the moment that I was thinking something like that, Mr.B send a text massage to me and told me he was at Hibachi. The first thing came up in my mind was "why is he at Hibachi for lunch time? Why he need to have lunch at Hibachi? Is that some kind of lunch date with some girls?" Then, I noticed I was thinking so negatively about the thing. Why not? Why not he can't have lunch at Hibachi? It could be the weekly lunch thing that they do; it could be some co-workers just want to go for it for lunch. Why I have to think that as a bad thing first. I AM LIVING IN FEAR.

That was the reason that I could think about. I am in fear of everything. To protect myself, I choose to hurt others first. To not be hurt by others, I choose to be cold to them so they could fear or dislike or stay away from me. I am, after all, just a coward.

I need to know how to over come the fear. I know I am weak, and I admire Miss.S that she can stand up for herself every time, but I couldn't. It might seems like Miss.S is crazy, wild, rule, or even stupid sometimes and I might seems to be clam, mannered, wise or mature, but I don't know which way is better now. Miss.S is much braver than I am, and I think she can get mostly what she wants than me. I have to learn how to stand up for myself, not just stand back.

It is a hard thing to over the fear. To learn the trust on others. But I know it is better for me and my friends to do so. Before, I always say that I want to be a clam, smart, mature woman, yes, I still want to be all of that, but now I have to add one more. I want to be a clam, smart, mature and brave woman. A woman who isn't just accept the fact but also fight back to the fate.

For everything, for everyone, to be a better woman. And the first step will be TO BE OVER THE FEAR.

Tiger, Tiger

The Chinese New Year celebration TV show of CCTV ( The official name is Spring Festival Gala Evening) is a must to watch for me. It a tradition for many Chinese family to watch that show at New Year's eve night. The first Gala evening was at Feb.12th of 1983. I am sure I don't remember any of that because I was only 3 years old, but it become a part of my memories of Chinese New Year since then. I am fondly remembering the old times that my family would spend the new year eve night at one of my grandparents' house with all my uncles, aunts and cousins. We eat, we drink, we wear new clothes, have nice hair done and make-up (yes, even children had make-up on), we get money from our parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents, we play fireworks, and watch the gala evening on TV. What a wonderful time. I truly miss it.

It isn't easy to feel the holiday sprite in America. Not only because it isn't an American holiday that everyone will celebrate, but also because there isn't anyone to share the holiday with. Just like the saying "Happiness is happiness when only you share with others." I hasn't try too hard to keep the holiday sprite with me, but I do some small stuff to remembering the holiday. Like, buy some new clothes, have a small dinner with my friends, call home to my parents and grandparents, also some of my friends who know about the holiday. And, I don't miss the gala evening show. Thanks for the internet, I found a site which I can download the show every year. It is the only major thing I do to celebrate and to remember the holiday.

This year's show was alright. I think they could done better. There always are one show or two stand out from the others, and became the major point to the gala evening and to be remembered by people for long time. This year, it was the performance of not only my but the 70s and 80s people's youth time idol "The team of little tiger". I cried when I was watching their performance. I cried not because I am a fan of them, but because they remind me the time of purity, happiness, love, and hope; the time of everything were possible; the time of nothing is bad, and I cried because I know that is the time which will never be back. The lost of happiness, deeply inside of my heart, deeply still want to have, it won't be back.

Maybe I am having be too far from my family for too long. Maybe I am starting to get lonelier and lonelier. Maybe I am just become more mature, and maybe it is what it is. It is a part of life.

I miss my childhood, I miss home.

Well...Tiger year it is~~!!! Miss.S and Daddy are both tigers. It's their own year, and I wish them the extra best, and everyone who I love the best, and myself.

2010 WILL BE GREAT. IT WILL BE GREAT~~!!!!

To be a couple

Miss.S was on the phone with me, sharing her relationship problems as usual. She said it is such a hard work to keep relationship working, and I couldn't agree more.

Mr.B and I had our first argument today. I'd like to think it is an argument, it wasn't bad enough to be a fight, but it was bad enough to make me feel uncomfortable. The reason of the argument was small, like all other fights between couples, most of the reasons are small. My place was out of power, and I called Mr.B to ask if I can stay over his place if the power wouldn't back on. Mr.B wasn't willing to let me go to his place yet because he think his place has been clean enough yet. And, I didn't see that as a problem to keep me not going there, but for Mr.B, it is a problem. We agrued a little bit, more like we tried to convnicing each other by reasoning, but couldn't convnie each other. By the time when Mr.B said:" I told you when we start to dating that I am very busy, and you want me to go to your place all the time." I knew he was getting upset by the argument. I could have asked him:" What do you mean by I WANT YOU to come to my place all the time? You mean that you didn't want to come, and always is me ask you to?" But I didn't. I know if I said that, our argument will change to fight. It won't be any good for us. I didn't like what Mr.B said above. But it sounded like a typical couple's fight. I know where he will be going if I keep push the wave, so I just gave up. Later, Mr.B offered to come over tomorrow, and I asked him:" Do you want to?" to make sure that.

It's about time for us to have an argument or small fight. We have been together for half year now, and hadn't get into any argument or fight, which is really good and lucky too. No matter how close our point of views, personailties, thoughts are, we are still different people who grown up in different cultures, have different life experiences, belong to different age range, have different friends, etc. We have to learn to deal with the arguments and fights. As long as we want to be with each other, we need to know that there will be many more of the unpleasant arguments and fights in front of us.

I just want the best for our relationship. I hope Mr.B and I can both learn from our daily experience to creat less argments.

Well, that's what takes to be a couple.
As I always said, I have my fingers arcossed. Wish me the best.