LOVE

I went to Susan's house to take look at the gfits which she mentioned about last night. There were 2 more ladies there while I was there. Susan invited me to stay for dinner which was Pizza. I did 'cause she insisted. Susan really like to talk about my relationship. She seems to be more  exciting than I am. Just like last time, she told one of the ladies that I am gonna get married. I had to explain to the lady that I am not getting married. That is just what Susan wants from me. Susan was kind o talking to us and talking to herself:" Yes, Chris is gonna get married with her boyfriend. And, I am gonna do all the gifting and I am gonna go to the Wedding. I will give you an expensive gift. You know me, I am not a cheap person....." I laughed and kept telling the another lady that Susan is funny. That lady asked me:" Is that what you wanna then?" For a second, I didn't know how to answer. Then, I answered:" Yes, That is what I want too." I didn't even notice that I was trying to run away from my ture feelings. I am scared as I said so many times before. I dont want to have too much hope for future 'cause I don't want to be disappointed agian and agian.

Sherry was telling me same thing too. She texted me and asked me to admit that I do love Brian. Do I? Am I falling in love with him now? I remember I was telling him that I am holding back a little bit. His voice was kind of sad asked me really. I don't know how to asnwer. Yes, for some part, yes I am holding back. I don't trust him yet. I mean I do like him a lot. But can I trust him enough to give my heart 100 percent to? Can I trust him eought to release my worries to? Can i trust him enough to know that he will be by my side no matter what happen? No. I can't yet. I still need more time to know him, to learn to trust him, and to let him trust me and love me. It's almost 5 months of being together now. I am looking forward to being with him for long time. I do like him. Such a great guy that I think he will make a good husband and father. Then I start to thinking that can I be a good wife and mother? Do I still have the ablitly and power to be good enough? After all those stupid mistakes that I made, can one love me truly as who I am?

I have too  many worries that he doesn't knwo about. I can't share with anyone yet 'cause I am afraid. I don't blame anyone for what happened or what is happening now. I know I am the reason for it. I just want myself and GOD to know that I learned my lesson and I am trying and parying the best for my future. I am a good person who got lost for couple years, but now I am back on track. I am a good person. Please let me have the love, let me have the happinese which I wished for.

01-06-10 Sunny

I am trying to keep my mind out of Mr.B now. I just don't like or want to be like before that think or miss someone all the time. I don't' like the feeling of it. I don't like to be in deep emotion feeling which could lead myself to something painful. Do I still afraid of love, be loved or love someone? I think I still do. I am happy to be with him and to feel loved and share my love too. But I found out I just couldn't say it out loud. Like now I just want to forget about him for a while. Don't care if he tests me or not. I want to be fall in love, but not getting hurts.