12/14/2006
2006年12月14日 星期四 晴
12/12/2006
2006年12月13日 星期三 陰
在等待了11天后,正收到了PLAN.DO.SEE的回信,雖然只是簡單的說面試會在1月底開始,但我卻沒有收到這樣的回信。真的有些擔心,心裏面告訴自己因爲我的回信是英文的,所以他們沒有那麽快給我回信,但還是擔心。我真得很想去日本,很想離開美國。在美國這快要十年的時間,我成長在錯誤之中。想要一個重新的開始,所有一切的重新開始。
我真的可以得到幸福嗎?一邊告訴自己一定會得到自己的幸福,一邊卻那麽恐慌的問自己。明年我就要27嵗了,我覺得很害怕。
11/01/2006
2006年11月1日 星期三 晴
忽然收到lius的來信,忽然了解到他依然需要我,雖然可能愛的成分很少了,只是一種對過去的牽盼而已;可能他自己不知道,也可能是我感覺錯了。人在失落的時候都很想抓住一個能給與寄托的東西,這次他選擇的是我。可是,我不能成爲那個給他寄托的人了,不是不願意,而是不敢失去現在的幸福。就像對猛一樣,這幾天老是在夜裏夢見他,說實話,真的又想他;可是,我卻發誓要做個好人了,不願意在跳進泥沼裏。
我自己真的不知道自己到底想要什麽樣的人生,這些年來變來變去的,不就是因爲對現實生活的厭倦嗎?我的疲勞期居然來得那麽快,對習慣了的生活覺得厭惡,可對沒有終點的生活抵抗。而且,沒有毅力,懶惰到家了。昨天正才批評我了一頓,是地,我做事情很沒毅力,完完全全是定型的三天打魚,兩天嗮網。自己告訴過自己很多次,不可以不可以,可惡魔總是戰勝。
認真,到底我明不明白這兩個字的意思。
10/16/2006
2006年10月16日 星期一 晴
正和我已經買好了去LAS VEGAS的機票了,11月21日--11月25日。(期待中...)
我最近在擔心自己和正的將來,因爲畢竟正比我小,我對小男生的偏見就是他們比較自私。這也難免,我也是自私的,誰都會為自己先想。那個已經決定要正的日本排行前100位的公司,對正很有殺傷性。很有可能正就會選擇那個公司,囘日本去工作,我和正的感情也就會算是半死了。雖然說11月17-19日,他還會去參加BOSTON CAREER FAIR,21-25日去LAS VEGAS也是去看PANDA EXPRESS工作為前提的;但可能因爲以前有“因爲自己敵不過家庭和宗教,而劈腿,爲了讓自己好過一些,小兩嵗的田中”和“因爲和珊珊在一起會影響到自己的將來生活和夢想,而重返前女友,爲了更現實的將來,小三嵗的伊籐”,我在猜想會不會在正的心中已經決定好了何去何從了,只是現在在推延時間,不知道如何告訴我而已?也許期待的VEGAS之行,會是他已經計劃好了的分離前最後一次快樂奢侈旅行?
我又到了一個聽天由命的位置了,好像已經不是第一次了;我還是覺得自己要快一點把日語學好,早一點用自己的能力,跳出命運的道路。
9/27/2006
2006年9月27日 星期三 晴
我對將來的計劃,有兩個打算,現在應該好好寫下來:
A 計劃:
(人在美國)
~~日本工作/日本公司工作/最終目標去日本
~~1。日語學習(一年時閒,達到四級)
~~2。英語學習(一年時閒,考TOEIC)
B 計劃:
(人在中國)
~~PR和廣告傳媒類工作/日本公司/最終目標去日本
~~1。日語學習(一年時閒,達到四級)
~~2。英語學習(一年時閒,考TOEIC)
~~3。積累工作經驗
加油。加油,加油。
9/20/2006
2006年9月20日 星期三 晴
真的,我错了。很多事情我都错了。对很多人,很对事情,最糟糕的是对我自己,我都错了。没有像电视剧里的那种重新来过的事情会发生,回不到过去了,可前面的路还是要继续下去。我的人生到底是要怎么样呢?我自己是否为了追求那些虚无的东西而真的失去了宝贵的东西?这些日子来,我觉得美貌真的没有什么用了,我自己原来是那么的无能。什么力量都没有,我看不见自己的优点到底在那里,我到底可以做什么?
看着在木箱里的smile,我觉得我和他仿佛是一样的。smile一天一天的在长大,也一天一天的想从哪个木箱中跑出去;可他总是找不到出路,仿佛跑出去后,却又被抓了回来。我也老是想从现在的生活中跑出去,可每次觉得跑了出去,却又被一些无形的现实给抓了回来。我现在的生活,就像smile的木箱一样,把我牢牢的关在里面。我也想smile一样,乞求可以帮我打开木箱的人的出现,可是却没有那个人。
好压抑。心脏要被压碎了的感觉,却还是在人前装作过的很快乐。傻傻的笑。我知道都是我自己的错,我想要好好的弥补,可是要怎么才能弥补?真的,都是我的错。
我该怎么办?怎么办?
9/18/2006
2006年9月18日 星期一 晴天
早上在鏡子中看到毛孔粗大,額頭佈滿細紋,臉頰下垂的自己,青春真的可以被感情消磨的很快。我強迫自己沒事的時候也做出笑臉,因爲微笑的女人很美麗也很勇敢。
放下心中的罪惡,再見。
9/08/2006
2006年9月8日 星期五 情
正列说到真衣的事情,感觉他很担心友厚,怕友厚收到伤害。我真得不想去想那么多复杂的人际关系,希望能够不用担心他人的想法过日子。正列问我说:“真衣邀请友厚和她一起去clubing。为什么?”为什么?我不知道为什么,我也没有从真衣那里听到过这件事情。正列说真衣一定有什么目的;是吗?我不知道,我宁愿相信真衣只是单纯的想和友厚保持好关系。
猛已经习惯了没有我的日子吧。只要不见到我,不想起往事,就会快乐吧。那也何尝不是一样好事。我深深的相信,没有我,猛会过得很快乐,很幸福,他自己的梦想也会很快就实现。我真是又羡慕又伤感。
9/05/2006
2006年9月5日 星期二 陰天
今天寫的,其實也就是周末的日記。
星期五的時候,下午很不高興。明明和我約好了的正,卻忘記了和我的約定。他老是這樣,我真得很失望。
星期六晚上去一棟要房租。很莫名其妙的被哪個怪怪的DAVID說我很混。明明就是他求人幫忙,我也沒有說不幫忙,而是真的沒有辦法幫他;結果就被說很混。當時,真的是氣得要命。很多年都沒有那麽氣過了,當時自己都明顯的感覺到臉部的肌肉在顫動,眼前就浮現出媽媽生氣的樣子,也是臉部肌肉在顫動,那樣子的媽媽很不好看。我就在想當時的我,也很不好看吧。我對自己的外表越來越失望了,不知道是心態的變化,還是真的老了。
和DAVID吵架時,我真的心裏覺得很委屈。我也是一個人在外面的女人,可是卻又有多少人知道我爲什麽那麽怕孤獨,那麽容易DEPRESS嗎?這幾年,我過得很不好。學業,事業,感情,生活,我都過得很不好。可是長久了,反而好像習慣了。心裏卻很不想再過這樣的日子,我已經很厭倦了這個城市,這個國家,這裡的人。
星期天和真衣出去吃飯,聊天。很高興她回來了,很高興生命中還有可以一起抱怨人生和男人的朋友。和她說到猛,我說得很簡單,也很片面。我能說什麽呢?現在的心情依然還在顧忌他,現在的心裏依然還有些放不下他。不要說猛了,離被君敏劈腿抛棄一年半有了,可是那時候的傷害就像留在我手腕上的刀痕一樣,仿佛消失了,卻在細看一下,卻那麽的清晰。和猛的分手,是那樣的不明不白,我不知道爲什麽分手,只能讓自己的猜測成爲現實。我情願相信真的是因爲我對他的傷害和他對自己將來的夢想而分手,如果不是,請上天永遠不要告訴我那個秘密。那個我不知道會比較幸福的秘密。
星期一,正老老實實的陪了我一天,這樣真得挺好,但我知道,這樣的日子可能是1/10。不過,有,縂比沒有好。
9/01/2006
2006年9月1日--星期五--陰天
原來上中學的時候,當時我的數學很差,學校辦的所有有關數學的補習班我都有參加。可是成績卻一直都沒有提高。當時教我們數學的韓老師,在全班的面前說:“有的同學不論什麽補習課都要參加,覺得不參加的話就吃虧了。參加了后結果什麽用也沒有。”當時我知道老師正說的是我。從小到現在,這樣的事情發生了三次,每次我聽見的時候都覺得很難受。第二次是在前年,儅從原來設計科的同學那裏得知,那個我很討厭的中東老師,在我離開設計係后對其他同學指名道姓的說:“有些人永遠都儅不了設計師,就像**一樣。”雖然不是親耳聼見得,心裏也很不舒服。第三次是在去年,老闆批評我說:“不要每天只像個花瓶一樣...”
對的,其實他們說的都是對的。當年我確實很想把數學學好,覺得只要去了補習課就可以了,遇見了數學難題,很容易就放棄了;設計的三維課覺得太無趣,太難,平面設計覺得太簡單,同時也從心裏看不起那些老師;心態本來就沒有很好,功課也沒有好好的做;上班的時候覺得是很無聊的工作,每天無所事事就還不如不去...
其他的事情也是這樣的,想節約用錢,想學習日語和電腦軟件,想學會做指甲,美髮,化裝,做衣服。都放棄了。爲什麽?因爲懶惰。關於想做的事情,真得很想做,三分鐘熱情,買了收集了不少這方面的東西,結果什麽都沒有做。現在已經26嵗了,過得依然是高中生一樣的生活。我自己對自己很失望,也很不滿意。老是在想有沒有什麽出口,可自身的問題沒有解決,哪裏來的出口?
可能也是因爲自己太了解自己了,所以面對自己所有的問題,居然分不出一個主次來。貪心,也是我的一個大缺點,如果不貪心,可能早就有了屬於自己的幸福了。
26嵗已經過了一半了,自己真的應該好好的告訴自己,日子不用思考是不能過的。
8/31/2006
重新開始---為自己
爲什麽要重新復活這個blog?簡單的說就是爲了給自己一個沒有顧慮的心理世界,MSN的空間很好用,也很方便讓其他人知道,也就是說我很在意的人也可以看到,我怕傷害,怕被評估,所以回到這個地方躲起來。我想半年的時間,應該沒有人會記得這裡了,也改了LINK的名字。
從《Happy go lucky》改名叫《M.S.G》,顧名思義這是我的一個秘密場所。本來把LINK放在了MSN的空間上,想說有心人也許回來看看。但是一想到惡人也有可能來看,我就打算還是把LINK取消的好。
還是一個人的秘密好。
2/23/2006
Goodbye--Happy go lukcy
2/20/2006
Slow Uploading... ...
My life has been normal. Nothing different happens. I was looking at my childhood pictures and thinking what did I do every day back then. I tried to remember from I was 5 years old and until now.
2/13/2006
Everything for Panashie~!!
2/11/2006
(MY CHINA) Today's Youth
It's great that they have a lot of freedom to choose what they want to wear now. When I was teenager, I was so limited by what should I wear from parents and school teachers. Now, from those pictures, I can tell that China is much open than 5 years ago~!!!
It's good time that people become so open-minded....but....sometimes it's not so good thing too~!! What are they doing every day?? Of cause, not only study....
2/08/2006
(EAT THAT THING)--Obento Story
I tried to making lunch box from last summer, but I couldn't keep doing it. Why? Haha....as all the people know, I am lazy...sometimes....OK~I am lazy always~!!!!
But, I want to keep doing it because lunch box has many good points~!
1. Saving money~!
2. Health~!
3. Stay away from Student Center's food.
4. Feel happy to eat.
5. Keep my busy at night~! (cooking)
second~!!
thrid~!!!(....last....)
...........only three.....actally~~~I made four~~~but only took three pictures...I was gonna cook everyday, but....
Anyway, I try to cook agian~!!! I made two lunch boxes couple days ago. Haha....they looked good~!!! and it is good too~!!!!
rice and dish
I am gonng make tomorow's obento later~!! This time...what it will be???
2/07/2006
Tried to make heats...
Feb is for lovers. I used pink color for my nail, which I don't really use. The pink color doesn't look too bad with white dots. I also tried to make little 3-D hearts~!! (Haha...cold laugh....) The hearts look so ugly~!!! 3-D art is much harder than I thought. It is easy to just make dots, but it is hard to make the dot to other shapes. I still need to study and do many times. Maybe the nails look not bad from the picture....it because they are in the picture~!!! If you see my nail close, you will know, they are ugly.....
SO~~~Don't look at my nail close~!!! From far away, they are cute~!!!
******Check here to: Leave a comment for Shanshan *******
2/01/2006
Dreams
Started having odd dreams. How to describe the dreams? Have you ever heard that people will see what happened to their life very fast like a moive before they gonna die? Yes, something like that. My dreams were like short moives of my life, all the people that I have met were showed up in my dreams.
The first day, I dreamed about my parents and grandparents; then every boyfriend that I had before, include someone I just love, but not boyfriend; then all my friends who went back to China and Japan.
The second day, I dreamed about every bosses that I had in my life, Chinese boss, American boss, Korean boss...; then all my high shcool friends were having fun with my elementary school friends. My friends in America who I don't meet that much; my friends who I meet often were working, and I was fired by my boss.
Maybe all the odd dreams caused by the hot heater.
After all, I am the odd one~haha...
1/29/2006
Happy Chinese New Year
Once a year, it is Chinese new year time. Many people don't know why there is Chinese new year and why it is changing every year. In China, we use both traditional calendar and new calendar in China. The traditional calendar is basic on the season of farming, and every months has 30 days, not 31th.
Chinese new year is the biggest holiday, it is bigger than normal new year Jan. 1st. All the family memebers will meet together during the diner, everyone will wear red clothes which should be new. Children will get money from adult. It is the happiest time during the year for everyone.
Now, Chinese new year become one of the well-known international holiday around the world. If you want to feel the happinese of Chinese new year, you can go to Chinatwon~! If you missed this year's happinese, there will be next year~! Don't missed agian~!
1/27/2006
John 3:16
神愛世人、 甚至將他的獨生子賜給他們、 叫一切信他的、 不至滅亡、 反得永生。
神は、実に、そのひとり子をお与えになったほどに、世を愛された。それは御子を信じる者が、一人として滅びることなく、永遠の命を持つ為である。
1/25/2006
AAA
My car has being great for me. After I got her, she didn't make a lot of problems for me; but she is a old car. 96 Golf. Almost 10 years now, and with a high milage. Of cause, as all the cars, she has problems in her age. But, she has being really greatful, never had big problems, all small ones.
I know that I didn't take good care of her before. Girls wont' give much love to their car sometimes compare to boys. Haha...but I found out how important my car is for me. She took me and my friends to happeniese and enjoyment of our life. I can't live without her now. I must take care of her more.
I joined AAA.
AAA is great. I had people came to my house and replaced battery for her at the day I joined AAA. Little colorful started to have battery problem since last Nov. It happened three times, I had to do something about it. I called AAA, and asked the battery replacement service. They send people to my house in a hour and replaced battery infront of my house. I didn't have to pay labor fee or any other fees. The only thing that I paid for is the new battery, and it includes 3 year free replacement service. How great is that~!
Now when I driving, I feel more easy and less worry. That's great~!!!
1/24/2006
(MY CHINA) ---Where is the civilization?
The story happened in a overcrowded train. It is most busy time of the year, the Chinese New Year is coming soon. Many laborers and students are going home for the biggest holiday of the year. There is no empty seats in the train, many people standing or sitting on the floor for hours to get home. After the train left the city about a hour, the train conductor started check the tickets. She stopped infront of a laborer who sat on the floor. The laborer looked dirty and tired.
"Your ticket." The conductor said to him.
The laborer took one ticket out of his coat pocket very slowly and carefully. He didn't give the ticket to the conductor, he just held it in his hand, and showed to the conductor. But, still, the conductor saw that was a ticket for under-age passenger.
She looked at the laborer with flout in her eyes, she said:" It's a under-age ticket. "
"Yes, I know." The laborer said carefully:" I bought it because it is same price with the ticket for disablilty passenger."
The conductor looked at the laborer from the head to tail:"Are you telling me you are a disablilty passenger?"
The laborer looked at the conductor, and smiled a bit:" Yes, I am."
" Is that right?" the conductor kept her eyes with flout:" Show me your certificate of handicap."
The laborer's smile stopped at his face, he speaked in very small voice:" I don't have one. That's why I bought the ticket for under-age passenger. The booking clerk asked my certificate of handicap in the train station too....but I don't have one, I only can buy ticket for under-age passenger."
The conductor laughed:"Haha...you don't have the certificate, how can you prove that you are handicap? You looks perfect fine for me."
The laborer with a red face, put his left trouser leg up above his left foot. He only has half left foot.....He looked at the conductor agian, said:" I lost half of my left foot at work, but it was impossible to get certificate of handicap in the city because I am just a laborer from country-side. I am not the registered permanent residence of the city. They don't give me one..."
"The rules only apply for the certificate, you don't have one, then you have to pay the full price." The conductor said to the laborer without enmation.
The laborer looked confused:"But, I am handicap. You saw my foot, do I still need a certificate to prove that?"
The conductor didn't want to talk to the laborer anymore, so she called the guard. The guard came very soon. He asked the ticket from the laborer agian, asked same question and got same answer from the laborer agian. Then, he said:" We don't prove you as handicap because you don't have the certificate. No matter if we can see you are handicap or not, you don't have certificate, you are not handicap."
The laborer lost his half foot at work....and now, he couldn't even go back home.
One old man who was sitting behide the laborer shot to the guard:" You are not man."
The guard felt angry and said:"How can you say that? Of cause, I am a man!"
"Well, then where is your certificate of man?" The old man asked the guard peacfully.
"Of cause I am a man. Can you see that? Do I need a certificate for that?" The guard became mad.
The old man said:" Then, show your dick to us. But, even if you have a dick, we still don't prove you are a man 'cause you have no certificate of man."
The guard didn't know what to say.....but the conductor said to the old man:" I am not man, you want to say something, say it to me."
The old man looked at her coldly:" You are not even a human."
"What~!" The conductor was mad and shot to the old man.
The old man smiled and said:" Please show us your certificate of human~!"
At the point, the laborer was looking at ground with tears in his eyes. The tears of agnry, sad, and thanks for the old man.
It's king of long story. I was really sad to think this kind of things might happen in my country, but I think it does. A lot of Chinese people still don't know what is civilization, what is love and respect. They are slefish, self-center, and ignorant. Normal Chinese people will never know how ignorant they are because they only see themselves in China.
For my home-counrty, which I love, I want it become more civiliation, and better. Not only have improvement at economy and the matter of life; also have improvement at thought, education and morality. It sad to see my own country un-civilizated.
1/18/2006
After Storm
The morning news said many places were power off because of the storm, trees fell down and cahsed on the cars. The first house called me around 10 a.m, and said it's out off power. Lucky, my house is ok~!! And, lucky, the storm stopped after 2 p.m.
I took some pictures when the sun came out while storm gone~!! They look so beautiful~!
1/17/2006
(EAT THAT THING) --- The Real Si Chuan Food(ONE)
From late 1980s, the WHITE hou-guo started getting popluar. WHITE simly means non-spicy. The soup of WHITE is made by chicken or fish. In side of it is tomato. People really like to eat what we call "鸳鸯埚" (LOVE BRIDS). Like the picture above, the huo-guo will be cut into half, one side is RED (spicy) and one side is WHITE (non-spicy). People like it because the WHITE soup is very health and at the same time, the non-spicy soup can calm down the spicy in the mouth.
What do we eat with Huo-guo?? You will be suprised to know that we eat almost everything. Everthing that you can think about it.The sytle of Huo-guo is changing very fast. Now, we have many differnt kind of it, but no matter how it changes, the SPICY will never be changed.
New Categories: "My China" and "Eat that Thing"
"My China": I will share my home country China with everyone, show every thing about it. The good thing and the bad thing. This is for people knowing my counrty a little bit more than just on TV, news or Moive; also, I can know about my counrty more too.
"Eat that Thing": In China, we say"民以食为天". It translated as " People thought the food as the sky", basic means "the food is as important as the sky for human, it is as hige as the sky". I will introudce many kind of food to my friends. haha...but~!!! Most of them will be the food that I cook~!!! Enjoy~!!!
1/15/2006
Winter Woodberry~!!
I went to Woodberry with Takeshi and Sugi last week~! It was fun~! We didn't know we were gonna go there. Three of us wanted to do something or go somewhere, but none of us had idea. Then, I forgot who, but one of us said " let's go to woodberry". OK~nothing to do anyway. I called my friend who always go to woodberry, and asked him how to get there. It wasn't too hard to get there, but my friend told me wrong way~!!!!! Lucky, I found out soon after I felt it wasn't right, and didn't get lost. GOOD~!
I bought something from Woodberry~!!! A DIOR WALLET~!! I am very happy about it. It was not so so so expensive, but still it is the most expensive thing that I own now~!!! I like this wallet. I don't like those things which has brand labels all over them. This one only have the DIOR on the outside, good design and simple. Other parts of wallet are all black with no labels. But inside of the wallet, you can see the DIOR labels, it's hiden~!!! Also, this wallet is kind of middle-sex design. Not as other DIOR wallet, so girlish and colorful. I think I am not so girlish person, I perfert more middle-sex, but maybe my styles are from girlish to middle-sex. I just like this wallet. Fit to my personality, I think.
I have a Louis Vuitton cardholder from long time ago. It has brand label all over it. I don't really like that, but it was the first brand thing that I bought for myself. So, I really like it too. Keep it with me everywhere and every time. Normally, I don't have a lot of cash with me, I only have cards....but most of them are not useful. (haha...hope one day i could be rich). I put my family's picture with me in the cardhold. I can see it easily everytime use the cardholder and remind me about my parents. Yes, I like the cardholder too.
I bought some other things from Woodberry, include three clothes and one boots~! I wanted a cowboy style boots from last winter, but they are all not cheap, around 100 something. I didn't want to spend that much money on it. I found it in Woodberry~!! Only 39~!!! Yeah~!! I was happy and bought it without think too much~!!! Takeshi and Sugsi bought some things too. Everybody was happy about the trip to Woodberry~!!!
It's good to go Woodberry sometimes. Maybe once or twice a year is good enough. Maybe I will go there during the summer break next time. Kills time and fun too. Good~!
1/10/2006
What are you guys doing~!!!!
What are you guys doing~!!! The new people who moved to our house...made such a mess in the kitchen~!!! I don't understand~!!! Can you guys clean up after cook and eat? Can you guys eat inside of your own room??
and, they are lound too....
Sucks~!!
I will move out later~!!!!
1/08/2006
KING KONG
1/06/2006
Jan News
Oh....the fourth one got marride in my high shcool friends. xx and xx started to dating from 14. We were all suprised about their dating 'cause they were so young. The relationship keep for 11 years~!!! Fianlly, they married. I was kind of suprised about their marriage. Boyfriend use to cheatting on the girlfriend, everybody knows, but not the girlfriend. Well...I guess as long as the girlfriend doesn't know, it is alright. Maybe even if she knows right now, it doesn't matter anymore. Hope the boyfriend ( now husband) won't cheat any time soon.
When I was just 14, dating is a biggest news around friends. "Someone dates with someone" is a huge news for all friends. I don't remember from when, this kind of huge news are not important anymore. After 10 years of time, dating update to marriage. Marriage become the biggest news around friends now. 5 of my high school friends are married now.
Next biggest news might be have children or divorce. I guess the time will be in 5 to 10 years. Haha...kind of waiting for next biggest news. (but, where is my huge news?)