4月4日 星期四 晴

今天累了，上班只有三个人，一直到三点才吃饭。下班回家后吃了已经吃了两天的火锅，今天过后应该就可以倒掉了。兔子去他的乐高乐园了，所以就我和猫猫在家，吃了火锅，看了一部日本电影，然后就洗澡。明天打算去退两件衣服。兔兔明天在家休息，真好。

4月3日 星期三 晴

下班回家的路上，我在想要去买个记事本，好把工作上发生的事情都记下来。边这样想着，边忽然觉得我真的应该坚持写日记。我知道坚持写日记其实挺难的，首先是因为每日生活的平淡，好像没有什么特别的事情值得写下来一样，其次是没时间，下班后要赶回家做饭，做了饭还要吃，还要洗澡，还要护肤，还想要看书，还要争取早睡，还有想看的电视节目没看，电话那边还有老爸打进来的电话。根本就是没时间。我真觉得不是再给自己找借口。

但，我又真的是想写。

一直以来都想写文章，也喜欢写文章，但一直也没有时间。至少可能写日记能够练手吧。

今天上班没什么大事发生，店长k还是和以前一样糊里糊涂的，我常被他搞得没有耐心，甚至我在想是不是我真的是个没有耐心的人。明天area visual的a先生要来，正好是我们只有三个人上班，其中一个兼职还是下午两点才来。所以我已经做好下午三点再吃午饭的准备了。

现在也快12点了。睡了。

Is everybody greedy In today's world? I don't understand how people can ask more when they have so much Already. And the funny thing is they all use family and children as an excuse. It's like If you do it for the family, there is nothing wrong with it.

Still immature

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When I feel that I can't accept others or feel sour about others, I noticed how ugly the feeling was and how much I don't want to have that kind of feelings in my heart. How can I avoid being unpleasant to others' life? I felt that I am not mature enough.

I often feel Mr.Rabbit is far more mature than me or I can say that he has a much bigger heart than I do. It seems like no one's business really bother him, and he is happy about others' life even if he doesn't care or like that person.

How can I have a bigger heart like him does?

I thought the reason for me being unpleasant to others is that I am not satisfied with what I have or who I am. And it only development recently years. Were I like this before I was 27? I thought I was always happy and careless of others. I didn't have any envy or jealousy to others. Maybe I did have it all.

Something isn't right about my mind. Why I am not happy about myself? I often blame it to my work. I don't know if it's true or just an excuse that I found for myself. I want to dress pretty which I can't do at work. When I don't feel pretty, I don't seems to care about how people see me. But I don't like the way I see myself, as a dirty, stupid and ugly person.

I should just put my eyes on myself rather than others. And believe in what I believe, not be moved by others. 

Something to scared of

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It seems like I come here when I am scared. Everyone gets scared, right? I don't want to share my fear with anyone. The idea of sharing is as scare as the scare.

I have to let Rabbit know. He might not think it is a big deal, or he might be as worried as I am.

It is not a good feeling.

When I get scared, I normally just want to hide in the home. That's how I feel now.

It is soon to face the fear....I have to, there is no way out.

How a stupid mistake that I made when I was young can come back so strong.

Please, God, please help me.

I learned from the past, and there is second chance, right?

Life in front

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Ok. I got the ring. I am going to get married if there is nothing wrong. And, I am nervous.

It suppose to be happy to get marry, to be relaxed and enjoyed. How come I don't feel that? I feel there are so many things that I have to deal, to handle, to solve, to plan......

I don't mind to be a strong and independent woman. But, sometimes I wish there is a stronger man who can take care of me. My prince charming isn't here. He might be always sleep in my dream.

Yeah. I am actually stressed out.

A MOTHER’S LOVE

Racheal walked in the room quietly, and she said hi to me in a small voice. I couldn’t ignore her eyes were red. I turned back to her while she walked to her desk: “Racheal, did you cry again?” She looked at me, and I could see she was tearing up again.

Racheal is from Vietnam, and I think she has been in US for more than 20 years. We talked a little bit at work,but I didn’t have to ask questions about her family since she is willing to tell everyone about her son. She loves her son, who is a 25 years old marine in training, also a dad of 2 years old daughter.  Racheal loves her son so much that she is very sad that her son is in Marine and has to be away from home.

“Don’t cry, Racheal. It is ok.”I tried to comfort her as a daughter who has been away from home for 13 years:”Where did he go?” Racheal tried not to cry out loud:”He was at South Carolina and now he is going to Virginia.” “Oh, come on. Racheal. He is just in Virginia. Still in America. You can go to see him anytime you want to.” I said back to her in a loud voice with a little bit disappointment. Racheal said in a small voice back:” Yeah… I know.”

I thought Racheal was making a scene because for me that she could go see her son so easy and her son is just 4 hours flight away. As for me that I couldn’t see my mom so easy and Racheal’s reaction was like a joke. I said to her:” You can see your son so easy. My mom is in China. What do you think how my mom feels?” Then, it hit me. The first time in 13 years, I realized that I never really thought how my mom feels about I am being so far away.

I couldn’t help but thought if Racheal was crying because her son was 4 states away from her, then how many time had my mom cried all those years because of missing me? A sour feeling pushed up to my throat and I pushed the feeling down so my eyes wouldn’t tear up. I had cried because of missing my mom many times, but this was first time that I wanted to cry because I felt how she felt of missing her child through Racheal. First time of 13 years that I admire my mom because I know she was so brave that she let her only child go away from her for the child’s good. I don’t know how that feels to be a mom who has to let a child go, but I had let loved ones go and I know it isn’t anything near to a fine feeling.

For a long time, my mom is so ordinary for me. She isn’t wise like my dad; self-confident as my aunt or pretty as my aunt-in-law. She is just a good mom for me who spoils me, loyal to my dad, take care of my both side of grandparents. Nothing more than that. Maybe I am getting older, I first time see my mom as this great woman who is so brave.

Is this the greatest love ever? Raising and loving her child unconditional, trusting and supporting  her child 100%, let her child go and let her child to be who she wants to be. I have so many friends whose parents never allow them to move away from home, never allow them to date different race, or never allow them even choose a life of their own. My parents let me to do all those things. I think this is the greatest love ever. Not only my mom, but my dad too. He misses me as much as my mom and maybe even more.

I am just so grateful that I have parents like them. They are the best thing that ever happen to me. I am just so grateful. Hope Racheal will see her son soon, and same wish goes to my parents.

SINGLE STEP

After the hard works on Sunday with Bobby and Brian, we moved everything from my old apt 22 to the new apt 45 at once. We didn’t have to make 2 trips and were able to get a lot of done. I am very happy about that, and appreciated for their help. They were great!

Brian’s place is great. I have to say it is the biggest place that I have had lived so far after I came to US. I used to always live in a dorm room or a single room in a house, and I felt pretty lucky when I moved in my last apt, a small studio, thought it was big for myself. Now, I moved in this 3 floors townhouse with 2 bed rooms, 1 and half bathroom, kitchen with dinning room, washer and dyer, and I am happy that I am sitting on a sofa in the living room.

And, Brian has been so helpful. He tried to cleaning up, organizing and reorganizing his stuff for my arrive. It was a very different experience to walk in his place. This is also the first time that I move into a MAN’s place, so I have to say here is a man’s place.:-) Not in a bad way. I asked Brian if I can put my girlish elements into the place, he agreed without thinking. How great is that!! I understand that I can’t get all my girlish elements in here, pink rose bed sheet is not accepted.

I am glad that we moved in together. I have always been a girl because I never really lived with a man. I could keep being as girly as I could. I am sure it was same for Brian too. He could keep being as boyish as he wanted. But now, we have to “grow up”. I need to put my pink rose bed sheet aways, and he needs to put his action figures away.

Back to 2007, I bought the door sign for my apt. “The Journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step—Lao Tsu”. Yes. It is a very famous Chinese saying from thousands years ago 『千里之途，始于足下』.When I was lost back that time, I told myself that I should just take my time, regain myself, don’t mess things up again and make steady solid step once at a time. When I saw that door sign at Target , I know I have to get it as a reminder for myself everyday when I walk into to recover myself and walk out to battle the world.

I took the sign with me to this new place, and I will hang it on the door again (if Brian doesn’t mind or the Condo management allows it). I will always keep it in mind “The Journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step”. No running, no flying, take one step at a time. One steady, solid step at a time for a steady, solid future.

20 boxes and more to go

While i was packing up my stuff tonight, I couldn't help but to feel kind of weird. I felt like i just moved in not long ago, and I couldn't believe that I am going to move out from here soon.

It's a good thing to move out from here. It means something to me. 

Here was suppose to be a transform resting place. A place that I needed to have during my life's transformation. I needed this place to go though things, go though past, go though myself. 

I am looking forward to the new place. Every time when I move to somewhere new, it means my life changes at that point. Something happened that I had to move or need to. I am exciting for it. 

4 years past that fast? I really couldn't believe that. 

This place was my home, my shelter, the temple of my sprite; I thought though my life, fought with my past, so many sleepless night, cry and confusions. But, I did it. I learned, grew, understood, and become stronger and happier. I lost important things and people 4 years ago and during this 4 years, but now, after the 4 years I have so many more things and someone who is important. 

I didn't give up, didn't back up. Just believe in life, in myself, and take a step at one time. 

It's time to move on. I will miss here, but won't miss here too much.

Doubt

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I try to tell myself that everyone has doubt about themselves and the life. I guess I try to make myself feel better.

I saw Risa's Facebook. She looks like is living in her dream. Great job, look beautiful, happy, and have fun. I look at Shanshan Wang. She is dressing up everyday in expensive clothes, look in her best in all those years, with parents by her side. I look at Sherry. Having good time with her life, have whatever she wants to have.

I look at my life....

It is scary to make any mistake. I am worried, for many things. It's no one's fault but mine. If I had clear mind, know what I need, listened to my parents, did the right things, followed the right path.....I wouldn't be at this sad place now. I wouldn't even look old now, I would still look young, beautiful, with simply and pure mind.

Will I ever be alright? Will my life ever be alright? Am I fall in the bottom yet? I worried. A lot.

A day break

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I didn't go to work today. Didn't feel like to.

A lot of people say that Pieces are not clear about what they want in life. They seem to be always living in a fog. Maybe it is true even I don't want to believe in it. I don't want to live my life in a fog, but sometimes I am not sure what I am doing or what I am doing is right or wrong.

It seems like everyone else's life is moving fast, colorful, fulfilled, exciting and moving toward to their dream, but not mine. No matter how I feel that I have tried hard. Maybe my life just need time, moving a step by step.

Life is very easy to be discouraged. I always have a image of myself that I want to see, but in the real life, I often feel that I am not who I really am and I am not what I want to become either.

Maybe I am just doing the wrong things in my life, or , maybe I am just not trying hard enough, or, maybe I just need to be more patient.

Manage my life

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It has been 3 weeks since I found out Toshi has been using Facebook. I was very upset to know that he is on it and also his wife is on it. For what he did to me, I don't think he is worth to have what he is having now. A dignified job, a lovely wife, a unborn child, and the respect from others. I was very upset to know that he is happy and living well. He doesn't deserve all that.

I was upset for a few days. I couldn't help but check on his Facebook all most everyday and went on to his wife's blog and read all their life time stories. Read about they got married, honeymoon trip to France, daily life, then expecting a baby at September. I wanted to know what is going on in their life.

Masa said to me once that he think I would go back to Toshi if he comes back to my life. Maybe Masa was insecure about the relationship with me, maybe he was just simply telling the truth. But, I remember I thought for a minute and said to he:"No. I wouldn't." I wouldn't. I still wouldn't, and never would. But why I still care about what is going on in his life? Once you loved a person so much that you could die for and you gave everything to, then be cheated on by that person. You have every rights to HATE that person.

Yes. I HATE HIM. I don't want to see him happy, enjoy life and have even a little bit of happiness. But the truth is that he is happy. His wife looks like a nice person, knows what she is doing, and have a good life. I wish her the best. And, I thought about myself. Thought about how my life has been. I am a lovable person, and always have been. But I didn't know what I want in my life. I lived for others.

I am happy that the relationship with Toshi is far done, also the relationship with Masa. I loved them so very much that God knows that. But they are not the one for me. They were just lessons in my life. I learned few things, like: Never change yourself for others, never be who he wants you to be, never give too much to him, never spend too much money on him, never lost yourself for him and after all, never give up your own life for him.

I am a better, smarter person. Thanks to the lessons. I will proof to them that I am a great, smart woman that they wish they could have.

In my eyes

It is funny.

As soon as I typed "I" on the page, I couldn't help but notices the next thing which I was going to write is "don't like myself". Then, I stopped. This is how many times that I compliance about myself? How many times? I can't even remember.

What do I not like about myself? Um...so many things. Let's write them all out.

1. I don't feel young.
2. I don't feel beautiful.
3. I don't think I am beautiful.
4. I don't like my life.
5. I don't like my job.
6. I don't like people that I work with.
7. I don't have enough money.
8. I don't think I am smart enough.
9. I don't love others.

Just couple of reminders

I am in kind of strange mood for this couple of days. I don't know what is the reason, but I guess I might be bored a little bit with the relationship

Old Issue

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It seems like some old issues never really went away.  I am even thinking that if i have ever tried to deal with those old issues or not.  I am 30 now. I should know better and do better. Couple of old issues that I really want to get over with.

Frist is the money issue. I have to say that I am doing better than before, and being more careful with the money and how to use it. However, I am not doing well enough yet. It's been my life style of spending money, and it isn't a good thing. I know that already and just have to control the desire of buying things. I have to do something about the feeling of spending money. I think it is kind of mental sickness that called "spending addiction". Do I think I have it? Not really, well, maybe a little bit. I really should keep on track of how much money I have been spending and make a rule for myself to follow, also make a move before I want to spend money. For example, I love to buy Starbucks those days, and the reason for that is I enjoy hot drinks during the winter time. And why I don't drink free tea or free coffee at work? I think I am in love with latte, the creamy milky taste of coffee. It might be another addiction which I should over come it. And, I also like to buy snacks on the way home from work or buy breakfast on the way to work which I should prepare the breakfast before I go to work at home and prepare the snacks for after work driving. That will help me save money too. What is the reason that I don't do that? Because I don't get up in the morning early enough to do that, and why I don't get up early because i enjoy the warm bed. And, I also like to go to the mall after work which might give me chance to spend more money, but what is the reason I go to the mall because I don't want to go home and wants to go move around. Umm....somehow, I think all my old issues are related with my current life style.

If I get up early a hour in the morning, I could take shower to make myself feel better, prepare breakfast to go that save me money, have snacks and lunch with me too, after work besides go to mall, I could go to gym. I really should do that instant get up 5 mins before leave, buy breakfast on the way, buy drinks and snacks afternoon, go to mall after work. Maybe if I keep doing that, I could not just saving money, but have less headaches and sick days, and also have a better fitted body. Maybe even my mood will be up and far away from depression.

Yeah...I should do that. Do that now.

love 101

It is always hard to remembering an ex who you truly loved and gave everything to. I have that ex and I am that ex too. I think it is kind of lucky if you don't have that ex in your life or you never are that ex for other 'cause it is too heavy to remember that ex sometimes. It's a mark on you and only you know it's not going anywhere.

I hate that ex. I wish he lives in a painful life. I never want to see him and never wants to remember him. I never even wants to hear his name or having him as a memory. When it comes to love, we are so hard to forgive others and so easy to forget about our own sin. At same time as I hate my "that ex", I remembered that I am "that ex" for someone else.

Love is an unexplainable thing. It is too simple and too complicated to be explained at same time. You love then you love, you don't love then you don't love. What about all the good times, all the sweet kisses, all the smiles, and laughs, and romances, and endless nights? With love goes by us, all those things are like shadows following us.

I know at least I have 3 exes hate me so much. One was crying and yelling and saying he was going to kill the people in CT; one cut me off from his life 100% and laugh at me as a street slut if we meet by accident; and the one I loved most, after all those years, blames me for leaving him, and still asking for the reason. I careless about the first one; feel sorry for the second one, and I just don't know what to say to the last one.

The "sorry" I already said many times, but the reason, I just couldn't give it to him. I thought about a lot of reasons and all of them were true too. They are all one of the reasons. But, what can I say? The major reason was so shameful that it only could hurt him more if he knows. It was just simply because I need someone besides me, someone who I can touch, kiss, hug, look at into the eyes, feel the skin, the care, the love. I was young, and I didn't want to be alone. I NEEDED someone at that time. I needed someone right at that moment, not 3 years later, not have to wait for 12 hours to talk in the phone with for 3 minutes, not only could look at a picture or webcam. I was just a simply girl who need a basic love. A love 101. Be there. Be right there.

I still feel bad for what happened. He was the one. Almost perfect Mr.Right. But, maybe it is him, maybe it is fate, he became Mr. right then. I was just a simply woman after all. Not someone who has a big heart, who can handle all the problems, who is so morally right. I just needed love, a love that I could see by my own eyes, touch by my own hands, kiss by my own lips. Not by heart. That is just a bullshit after all. If you can't hug each other, how can you know your feeling is still there? If you can't kiss each other, how can you know your heart still skip a beat? If you can't look into each others' eyes and say "I love you", how can you know you or that person is not lying?

I believe in love 101.

30s thinking

Well. It is not the first time I have thought about marriage. It seems to be a regular thing to think about after 26. It didn't really bother me that much. I always want to marry with someone that I truly in love with, and that person should truly in love with me too. I never really felt I might have any kind of possibility of not getting married. I always felt it is just matter of time.

Then, one friend got marry, two friends got marry, three friends got marry, and out of nowhere everyone is married and having a baby. I had a period of time that could not take it. I didn't want to hear anyone is marrying or having a baby. It's like a final truth hit me. Am I gonna be like this, alone, even not single, but not married, forever?

It's not the end of the world when all your friends are married and having babies. But it is end of the world when all your ex-boyfriends are married and having babies, and included the ones who never make or willing to make a commitment with you. At that point, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself:" What is wrong with you?"

Chinese people likes to say "fate" and like to blame everything on the "fate". We keep our hopes on fate and give up our hopes on fate too. Is there really something called fate? Is your plum lines really tell you when you gonna die? Is your horoscope really tells you that you will meet your true love tomorrow? Is the crystal ball really trying to make you less worried and have a future plan? Who or what should I trust? Is following my heart really works? or "let the time to decided" really worth of waiting?

Real life is not a novel or movie. It's not even a dream which could come true, sometimes. I asked the higher power "is there anything wrong with me", and I didn't hear answer from him, and I asked myself the same question, that I didn't hear any answer back either. I don't know. I don't know if this is fate or is time, or just simply me.

I am nervous. I sometimes ask myself that what is Mr.Rabbit
waiting for? The timing? Is he still not ready yet? Am I still being tested? I don't want to rush him or push him because I want him to want to marry me, not marry me because I asked for. Then, I asked myself, what if he never ask you? Life is so many "what if"s. And all those "What if" drives people worry.

I hope Mr.Rabbit knows that I am ready, and I am waiting, and so as many people. My family, friends, customers, maybe even his friends and family. I think it is about time. It is about time for both of us to grown up as really regular adults. I hope he knows, oh GOD, I hope he knows.

A part of aging

Angelababy

I was bored at work on Sunday, and was playing with my laptop. Something pop into my eyes which I normally wouldn't be interesting in. A online video of a very cute Asian girl whose name is Anglerbaby. I like to look at beautiful girls, and she surely looks so beautiful from that small video icon. I checked it, and there she was, speaking in Chinese in front of press and telling them that she is 100% nature beauty who never had plastic sugary. "She is cute. Who is she?" I thought to myself then goggled her.

She is even more beautiful in bigger pictures. I was in love with her beauty in a short second. How come someone could be that beautiful. I read her information and know she is 1/4 of German, well, that always explains something, she is mixed. As we all know the mixed children are much better looking in most of case. She is 21 years old, and work as a model with major Japanese beauty magazines. OK. Now I am really envy her. I keep thinking how come there are so many beautiful girls out there now? I looked her and feel that I am ugly. I know I am not ugly but if she could make me feel this way, how about those people who aren't good looking at all feel? I looked my face in the mirror and tried to smile, opened my eyes big, and took couple pictures. And, I looked so weird with a stone alike smile and un-nature eyes. The bags underneath my eyes were huge, wrinkles from the end of my eyes were long and noticeable, my eyes looked small because the upper eyelids started to drop, same as my face. I looked......looked like I am 30~~!!

I finally realized that I am 30. This is how I look now. I am getting old. I am not 21, or 25, or 27 anymore. The mother of nature hit my head. And I couldn't just ignore the fact that I am not as good looking as before or as I thought I was. I compared the younger self with Angelababy and I do think she is still more beautiful than me, but I felt I was close to her level. I didn't even wear any make-ups. As I page through Angelababy's model pictures and life pictures, I couldn't not notice that I waste a lot of time just being easy and comfortable. So many clothes and shoes that I have, so many make-ups and hair stuff that I have, but I didn't bother use any of them often. I let myself go pretty easy. I have been very comfortable with my looks for long time. A lot of people gave me compliments for being nature without make-up. And I do believe that I was good looking without make-up. That made me think I don't need make-up to be beautiful 'cause I am beautiful the way I am. Maybe it is also true. But age doesn't agree with my outside looks. I always like to be that kind of lady who doesn't have to try hard. But now, I feel I need to try at least a little bit. I even start to doubt that if I ever have being beautiful or not. Like a high school nightmare all come true again.

When I was 23.

I put some make-up on, tried to make my hair look good, picked a cute outfit from my dressing room. I feel better. I took some more pictures of myself just to see the result of it, and the pictures didn't come out as good as I hope for. Then, I told myself it's the camera's fault. I looked at the mirror again, smile to it, then I told myself "you are still a beautiful lady".

I won't be getting younger, and I know it is silly to compare myself to someone who is 9 years younger than me. And I also tried to tell myself to have own beauty which fit with my own age. We all tried to tell ourselves that, and we all still couldn't not feel the disappointment of getting older. It is not scare of getting older but getting uglier. Maybe it is the time for me to renew myself to a new beauty. A little bit more make-up and more well dressed than before. I would love to have all those high quality clothes, shoes, bags, but I can't afford them. I tried to tell myself that a cheap outfit still can be well dressed if you dress them in a right way. I hope I am not laying to myself and I want to understand the essence of beauty.

Younger girls are coming out of their shell every day, and me as a 30 years old woman trapped between the young and old. I am not young anymore but not yet old. Trying to find a new me. It's a part of aging and I am sure I will face it again when I turn 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90 or even 100. I remember someone said "Well dressed woman, well dressed mind". Maybe I should just use that as my motto for my 30s and future.

I am not a girl anymore. I am a woman, a lady.

Everything happens inside of you

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There is something bothers me. I am in love. I am in love with Mr.B. That put my self-doubt and confidence from high to low. I start to be worried by other women, be worried by how other women might take him away from me or maybe he will go away with other women.

I just don't want to lose him, and lose a good chance to have a good relationship, a family that I dream to have, a good man, finally, a good man. I don't want to fall in love with some kind of assholes again, or someone who can't be a father or stupid. Mr.B seems to be perfect. I am scared of using the word "perfect" because I know nothing is perfect. Do I actually don't trust him, don't trust other women, or just don't trust love? Do I still believe in the power of love? Do I still believe that love can conquer everything? Do I still believe that a man could love and only love one woman in his life time? Do I still believe that a man wouldn't cheat on his loved ones?

I am scared. Every time when I feel the power of love push my heart close to Mr.B's, I am afraid. To be hurt, to be lost, to go back to the old road that once I was walked on. I don't want to feel jealous, worries, distrust and so on. If all those are love will bring, am I willing to take all those?

I love Mr.B. I want to have a family with him. Couple children, a dog, 2 cats. God, am I wishing too much? I just want to be happy, to have a normal 30 years old woman has. I am tired of being a teenager. I want to have a family with someone loves me truthfully and deeply.

No matter who you are, how rich you are, how beautiful you are, how famous you are, in front of love, you are a little baby face a big wall.

Love, and to be loved. Never be hurt by anyone, anytime, anyhow.

May God be with you.

Blue Mood

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Haven't been here for a while. My days have been busy, and my HP computer is keeping have problem get connected with the wi-fi from Starbucks which stress me out a little bit and I finally decided to just not bring the laptop to work.

Life hasn't been too bad for me so far. Mr.B is treading me great. We went to Mitsuwa in NJ yesterday and he bought me to the rotate sushi restaurant which I always wanted to go. Then took me to a huge mall in NY. Mr.B is full of surprising, and always a such gentleman to me. I guess from the day when we started dating, I always felt that he is a good man to be with for rest of my life.