love 101

It is always hard to remembering an ex who you truly loved and gave everything to. I have that ex and I am that ex too. I think it is kind of lucky if you don't have that ex in your life or you never are that ex for other 'cause it is too heavy to remember that ex sometimes. It's a mark on you and only you know it's not going anywhere.

I hate that ex. I wish he lives in a painful life. I never want to see him and never wants to remember him. I never even wants to hear his name or having him as a memory. When it comes to love, we are so hard to forgive others and so easy to forget about our own sin. At same time as I hate my "that ex", I remembered that I am "that ex" for someone else.

Love is an unexplainable thing. It is too simple and too complicated to be explained at same time. You love then you love, you don't love then you don't love. What about all the good times, all the sweet kisses, all the smiles, and laughs, and romances, and endless nights? With love goes by us, all those things are like shadows following us.

I know at least I have 3 exes hate me so much. One was crying and yelling and saying he was going to kill the people in CT; one cut me off from his life 100% and laugh at me as a street slut if we meet by accident; and the one I loved most, after all those years, blames me for leaving him, and still asking for the reason. I careless about the first one; feel sorry for the second one, and I just don't know what to say to the last one.

The "sorry" I already said many times, but the reason, I just couldn't give it to him. I thought about a lot of reasons and all of them were true too. They are all one of the reasons. But, what can I say? The major reason was so shameful that it only could hurt him more if he knows. It was just simply because I need someone besides me, someone who I can touch, kiss, hug, look at into the eyes, feel the skin, the care, the love. I was young, and I didn't want to be alone. I NEEDED someone at that time. I needed someone right at that moment, not 3 years later, not have to wait for 12 hours to talk in the phone with for 3 minutes, not only could look at a picture or webcam. I was just a simply girl who need a basic love. A love 101. Be there. Be right there.

I still feel bad for what happened. He was the one. Almost perfect Mr.Right. But, maybe it is him, maybe it is fate, he became Mr. right then. I was just a simply woman after all. Not someone who has a big heart, who can handle all the problems, who is so morally right. I just needed love, a love that I could see by my own eyes, touch by my own hands, kiss by my own lips. Not by heart. That is just a bullshit after all. If you can't hug each other, how can you know your feeling is still there? If you can't kiss each other, how can you know your heart still skip a beat? If you can't look into each others' eyes and say "I love you", how can you know you or that person is not lying?

I believe in love 101.

30s thinking

Well. It is not the first time I have thought about marriage. It seems to be a regular thing to think about after 26. It didn't really bother me that much. I always want to marry with someone that I truly in love with, and that person should truly in love with me too. I never really felt I might have any kind of possibility of not getting married. I always felt it is just matter of time.

Then, one friend got marry, two friends got marry, three friends got marry, and out of nowhere everyone is married and having a baby. I had a period of time that could not take it. I didn't want to hear anyone is marrying or having a baby. It's like a final truth hit me. Am I gonna be like this, alone, even not single, but not married, forever?

It's not the end of the world when all your friends are married and having babies. But it is end of the world when all your ex-boyfriends are married and having babies, and included the ones who never make or willing to make a commitment with you. At that point, I looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself:" What is wrong with you?"

Chinese people likes to say "fate" and like to blame everything on the "fate". We keep our hopes on fate and give up our hopes on fate too. Is there really something called fate? Is your plum lines really tell you when you gonna die? Is your horoscope really tells you that you will meet your true love tomorrow? Is the crystal ball really trying to make you less worried and have a future plan? Who or what should I trust? Is following my heart really works? or "let the time to decided" really worth of waiting?

Real life is not a novel or movie. It's not even a dream which could come true, sometimes. I asked the higher power "is there anything wrong with me", and I didn't hear answer from him, and I asked myself the same question, that I didn't hear any answer back either. I don't know. I don't know if this is fate or is time, or just simply me.

I am nervous. I sometimes ask myself that what is Mr.Rabbit
waiting for? The timing? Is he still not ready yet? Am I still being tested? I don't want to rush him or push him because I want him to want to marry me, not marry me because I asked for. Then, I asked myself, what if he never ask you? Life is so many "what if"s. And all those "What if" drives people worry.

I hope Mr.Rabbit knows that I am ready, and I am waiting, and so as many people. My family, friends, customers, maybe even his friends and family. I think it is about time. It is about time for both of us to grown up as really regular adults. I hope he knows, oh GOD, I hope he knows.

A part of aging

Angelababy

I was bored at work on Sunday, and was playing with my laptop. Something pop into my eyes which I normally wouldn't be interesting in. A online video of a very cute Asian girl whose name is Anglerbaby. I like to look at beautiful girls, and she surely looks so beautiful from that small video icon. I checked it, and there she was, speaking in Chinese in front of press and telling them that she is 100% nature beauty who never had plastic sugary. "She is cute. Who is she?" I thought to myself then goggled her.

She is even more beautiful in bigger pictures. I was in love with her beauty in a short second. How come someone could be that beautiful. I read her information and know she is 1/4 of German, well, that always explains something, she is mixed. As we all know the mixed children are much better looking in most of case. She is 21 years old, and work as a model with major Japanese beauty magazines. OK. Now I am really envy her. I keep thinking how come there are so many beautiful girls out there now? I looked her and feel that I am ugly. I know I am not ugly but if she could make me feel this way, how about those people who aren't good looking at all feel? I looked my face in the mirror and tried to smile, opened my eyes big, and took couple pictures. And, I looked so weird with a stone alike smile and un-nature eyes. The bags underneath my eyes were huge, wrinkles from the end of my eyes were long and noticeable, my eyes looked small because the upper eyelids started to drop, same as my face. I looked......looked like I am 30~~!!

I finally realized that I am 30. This is how I look now. I am getting old. I am not 21, or 25, or 27 anymore. The mother of nature hit my head. And I couldn't just ignore the fact that I am not as good looking as before or as I thought I was. I compared the younger self with Angelababy and I do think she is still more beautiful than me, but I felt I was close to her level. I didn't even wear any make-ups. As I page through Angelababy's model pictures and life pictures, I couldn't not notice that I waste a lot of time just being easy and comfortable. So many clothes and shoes that I have, so many make-ups and hair stuff that I have, but I didn't bother use any of them often. I let myself go pretty easy. I have been very comfortable with my looks for long time. A lot of people gave me compliments for being nature without make-up. And I do believe that I was good looking without make-up. That made me think I don't need make-up to be beautiful 'cause I am beautiful the way I am. Maybe it is also true. But age doesn't agree with my outside looks. I always like to be that kind of lady who doesn't have to try hard. But now, I feel I need to try at least a little bit. I even start to doubt that if I ever have being beautiful or not. Like a high school nightmare all come true again.

When I was 23.

I put some make-up on, tried to make my hair look good, picked a cute outfit from my dressing room. I feel better. I took some more pictures of myself just to see the result of it, and the pictures didn't come out as good as I hope for. Then, I told myself it's the camera's fault. I looked at the mirror again, smile to it, then I told myself "you are still a beautiful lady".

I won't be getting younger, and I know it is silly to compare myself to someone who is 9 years younger than me. And I also tried to tell myself to have own beauty which fit with my own age. We all tried to tell ourselves that, and we all still couldn't not feel the disappointment of getting older. It is not scare of getting older but getting uglier. Maybe it is the time for me to renew myself to a new beauty. A little bit more make-up and more well dressed than before. I would love to have all those high quality clothes, shoes, bags, but I can't afford them. I tried to tell myself that a cheap outfit still can be well dressed if you dress them in a right way. I hope I am not laying to myself and I want to understand the essence of beauty.

Younger girls are coming out of their shell every day, and me as a 30 years old woman trapped between the young and old. I am not young anymore but not yet old. Trying to find a new me. It's a part of aging and I am sure I will face it again when I turn 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90 or even 100. I remember someone said "Well dressed woman, well dressed mind". Maybe I should just use that as my motto for my 30s and future.

I am not a girl anymore. I am a woman, a lady.